exuality is extremely disruptive. The insecurities and emotions it stirs

up can often cut short a relationship that would otherwise be deeper

and longer lasting. The Charmer's solution is to fulfill the aspects of

sexuality that are so alluring and addictive—the focused attention, the

boosted self-esteem, the pleasurable wooing, the understanding (real or

illusory)—but subtract the sex itself. It's not that the Charmer represses

or discourages sexuality; lurking beneath the surface of any attempt at

charm is a sexual tease, a possibility. Charm cannot exist without a hint of

sexual tension. It cannot be maintained, however, unless sex is kept at bay

or in the background.

The word "charm" comes from the Latin carmen, a song, but also an in-

cantation tied to the casting of a magical spell. The Charmer implicitly

grasps this history, casting a spell by giving people something that holds

their attention, that fascinates them. And the secret to capturing people's

attention, while lowering their powers of reason, is to strike at the things

they have the least control over: their ego, their vanity, and their self-

esteem. As Benjamin Disraeli said, "Talk to a man about himself and

he will listen for hours." The strategy can never be obvious; subtlety is the

Charmer's great skill. If the target is to be kept from seeing through

the Charmer's efforts, and from growing suspicious, maybe even tiring of the

attention, a light touch is essential. The Charmer is like a beam of light that

doesn't play directly on a target but throws a pleasantly diffused glow over it.

Charm can be applied to a group as well as to an individual: a leader

can charm the public. The dynamic is similar. The following are the laws of

charm, culled from the stories of the most successful charmers in history.

Make your target the center of attention. Charmers fade into the back-

ground; their targets become the subject of their interest. To be a Charmer

you have to learn to listen and observe. Let your targets talk, revealing

themselves in the process. As you find out more about them—their

strengths, and more important their weaknesses—you can individualize

your attention, appealing to their specific desires and needs, tailoring your

flatteries to their insecurities. By adapting to their spirit and empathizing

with their woes, you can make them feel bigger and better, validating their

sense of self-worth. Make them the star of the show and they will become addicted to you and grow dependent on you. On a mass level, make ges-tures of self-sacrifice (no matter how fake) to show the public that you share their pain and are working in their interest, self-interest being the public form of egotism.

Be a source of pleasure. No one wants to hear about your problems and troubles. Listen to your targets' complaints, but more important, distract them from their problems by giving them pleasure. (Do this often enough and they will fall under your spell.) Being lighthearted and fun is always more charming than being serious and critical. An energetic presence is likewise more charming than lethargy, which hints at boredom, an enor-mous social taboo; and elegance and style will usually win out over vul-garity, since most people like to associate themselves with whatever they think elevated and cultured. In politics, provide illusion and myth rather than reality. Instead of asking people to sacrifice for the greater good, talk of grand moral issues. An appeal that makes people feel good will translate into votes and power.

Bring antagonism into harmony. The court is a cauldron of resentment and envy, where the sourness of a single brooding Cassius can quickly turn into a conspiracy. The Charmer knows how to smooth out conflict. Never stir up antagonisms that will prove immune to your charm; in the face of those who are aggressive, retreat, let them have their little victories. Yield-ing and indulgence will charm the fight out of any potential enemies. Never criticize people overtly—that will make them insecure, and resistant to change. Plant ideas, insinuate suggestions. Charmed by your diplomatic skills, people will not notice your growing power.

Lull your victims into ease and comfort. Charm is like the hypnotist's trick with the swinging watch: the more relaxed the target, the easier it is to bend him or her to your will. The key to making your victims feel com-fortable is to mirror them, adapt to their moods. People are narcissists— they are drawn to those most similar to themselves. Seem to share their values and tastes, to understand their spirit, and they will fall under your spell. This works particularly well if you are an outsider: showing that you share the values of your adopted group or country (you have learned their language, you prefer their customs, etc.) is immensely charming, since for you this preference is a choice, not a question of birth. Never pester or be overly persistent—these uncharming qualities will disrupt the relaxation you need to cast your spell.

Show calm and self-possession in the face of adversity. Adversity and setbacks actually provide the perfect setting for charm. Showing a calm, un-ruffled exterior in the face of unpleasantness puts people at ease. You seem patient, as if waiting for destiny to deal you a better card—or as if you were confident you could charm the Fates themselves. Never show anger, ill temper, or vengefulness, all disruptive emotions that will make people de-fensive. In the politics of large groups, welcome adversity as a chance to show the charming qualities of magnanimity and poise. Let others get flus-tered and upset—the contrast will redound to your favor. Never whine, never complain, never try to justify yourself.

Make yourself useful. If done subtly, your ability to enhance the lives of others will be devilishly seductive. Your social skills will prove important here: creating a wide network of allies will give you the power to link people up with each other, which will make them feel that by knowing you they can make their lives easier. This is something no one can resist. Follow-through is key: so many people will charm by promising a person great things—a better job, a new contact, a big favor—but if they do not follow through they make enemies instead of friends. Anyone can make a promise; what sets you apart, and makes you charming, is your ability to come through in the end, following up your promise with a definite action. Conversely, if someone does you a favor, show your gratitude concretely. In a world of bluff and smoke, real action and true helpfulness are perhaps the ultimate charm.