Love is the only satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.

Erich Fromm

 
 
 
 
 
Tác giả: Judith Mcnaught
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Chapter 15
ATIE AND GABRIELLA spent the morning and most of the afternoon combing through shops in two neighboring villages. Katie liked Gabriella immense¬ly. Besides being a wonderful companion, she was a tireless shopper. At times she was more enthusiastic about what Katie was doing than Katie was. But then, endless shopping with hundreds of things to buy and no time to do it was not Katie's idea of pleasure.
Katie paid for the sheets and coverlet she had just bought, while Gabriella delicately removed herself from the procedure that involved Katie's requesting duplicate bills, each for one-half the amount of her purchase, then paying for it using equal parts of Ramon's money and her own.
"I think Ramon will like the colors I chose for the bedroom, don't you?" Katie asked gaily as they slid into the car.
"He should," Gabriella said, turning in the seat to look at Katie with a smile. Her thick black hair was beautifully windblown and her eyes were bright. "Everything you buy is to suit him and not yourself. I would have bought the coverlet with the ruffles."
Katie, who was driving, glanced in the rearview mirror before pulling into the slow traffic, then she fired a wry look at Gabriella.
"Somehow I can't quite see Ramon surrounded by dainty ruffles with pastel flowers.''
"Eduardo is as manly as Ramon and he would not object if I chose to make our bedroom feminine.''
Katie had to admit to herself that what Gabriella said was true; Eduardo would probably acquiesce to Gabriella's wishes with one of those faint, amused smiles he frequently gave her. In the last four days, Katie had revised her opinion of Eduardo. He didn't look at the world with stern, disapproving eyes—he only looked at Katie that way. He was always unfail¬ingly courteous to her, but the moment she walked into the room the warmth left his expression.
It might not have been so uncomfortable for Katie if he were small and homely or big and slow-witted, but the truth of the matter was that Eduardo was a very impressive man, which immediately made Katie feel that she was somehow lacking. At thirty-five, he was extremely handsome in a darkly Spanish way. He was three inches shorter than Ramon, with a power¬ful build and an attitude of confident male su¬premacy that alternately annoyed and intrigued Katie. He was not Ramon's equal in either looks or polish, but when the two men were together there was an easy comradery between them that made Katie acutely aware that she, and only she, failed to meet some unknown standard of Eduardo's. He treated his wife with indulgent affection; Ramon with an odd combination of friendship and admiration… and Katie with nothing more than courtesy.
"Have I done something to offend Eduardo?" Katie asked aloud, half-expecting Gabriella to deny anything unusual in his attitude.
"You must not pay any attention to him," Gabri¬ella said with amazing candor. "Eduardo mistrusts all American girls, especially wealthy ones such as you. He thinks they are spoiled and irresponsible, among other things,"
Katie assumed that "other things" probably in¬cluded promiscuous. "What makes him think I'm wealthy?" she asked cautiously.
Gabriella flashed an apologetic smile at her. "Your luggage. Eduardo used to work at the desk of a fancy hotel in San Juan while he was going to school. He says your luggage costs more than all the furniture in our living room."
Before Katie could recover, Gabriella turned grave. "Eduardo likes Ramon very much for many reasons, and he is afraid that you will not adjust to being a Spanish farmer's wife. Eduardo thinks, be¬cause you are a wealthy American woman, that you lack courage, that you will leave when you discover that your life here is sometimes hard; that when the crop is poor or prices are low you will flaunt your money in front of Ramon."
Katie flushed uncomfortably and Gabriella nod¬ded sagely. "That is why Eduardo must never dis-cover that you are paying for part of the furniture. He would condemn you for disobeying Ramon and he would think you are doing this because what Ramon could buy wasn't good enough for you. I do not know why you are paying for things, Katie, but I do not think it is because of that. Someday you can tell me if you wish to do so, but in the meantime Eduardo must not find out. He would tell Ramon immediately."
"Neither of them will find out unless you say something," Katie reassured with a smile.
"You know I will not." Gabriella glanced up at the sun. "Do you want to go to the auction at that house in Mayaguez? We are very close."
Katie readily agreed, and three hours later she was proud owner of a dining set for the kitchen, a sofa and two chairs. The house had been owned by a wealthy bachelor who, before his death, had obviously developed an appreciation for fine wood, ex¬cellent craftsmanship and solid comfort. The chairs were wing-backed, deeply tufted in a nubby cream cloth with rust threads. There were two ottomans to match. The sofa was rust with wide rolled arms and deep thick cushions. "Ramon will love it," Katie said as she paid the auctioneer and arranged to have the furniture delivered to the cottage.
"Katie, will you love it?'' Gabriella asked anxious¬ly. "You are going to live there, too, yet you have not bought one thing just because you want it."
"Of course I have," Katie said.
At ten minutes to four, Gabriella stopped the car in front of Padre Gregorio's little house. It was on the east side of the village square, directly across the street from the church, easily identified by its white paint and dark green shutters. Katie took her hand¬bag off the seat, threw a nervous smile at Gabriella, and slid out of the car.
"Are you certain you don't want me to wait for you?" Gabriella asked.
"Positive," Katie said. "It isn't a long walk to your house from here, and I'll have plenty of time to change clothes afterward and go to see Ramon at the cottage."
Reluctantly Katie walked up to the front door. She paused to smooth the skirt of her pastel green cotton shirtwaist dress and run a shaky hand over her light red hair, which was caught into a soft chignon with tendrils at her ears. She looked, she hoped, very prim proper and composed. She felt like a nervous wreck.
An elderly housekeeper answered Katie's knock and admitted her into the house. Following her down the dim hall, Katie felt like a condemned pris¬oner walking the last steps to meet the executioner— though why she felt so upset was something that baffled her.
Padre Gregorio stood up when she entered his study. He was thinner and shorter than she had thought last night, which was absurdly reassuring considering that they weren't going to engage in physical combat. Katie took the seat he indicated across the desk from him, and he sat down.
For a moment they regarded one another with po¬lite wariness, then he said, "Would you care for some coffee?"
"Thank you, no," Katie replied with a fixed, courteous smile. "I haven't a great deal of time to spare." That was the wrong thing to say, Katie realized as his bushy white brows snapped together over his nose.
"No doubt you have more important things to do," he said curtly.
"Not for myself," Katie hastily explained, by way of a truce. “'For Ramon.''
To her immense relief, Padre Gregorio accepted the truce offering. His tight lips relaxed into some¬thing that was almost a smile as he nodded his white head. "Ramon is in a great hurry to have everything finished, and he must be keeping you extremely busy." Reaching into his desk, he pulled out some forms and picked up his pen. "Let us begin by com¬pleting these forms. Your full name and age please?" Katie told him.
"Marital status?" Before Katie could answer, he glanced up and sadly said, "Ramon mentioned that your first husband died. How tragic for you to have been widowed in the first bloom of your marriage." Hypocrisy had never been one of Katie's faults. Politely but firmly she said, "I was 'widowed' in the first bloom of our divorce, and if there was a tragedy, it was that we were ever married at all."
Behind the spectacles the blue eyes narrowed. "I beg your pardon?"
"I divorced him before he died."
"For what reason?"
"Irreconcilable differences."
"I did not ask you for the legal grounds, I asked you the reason."
His prying struck sparks of rebellion in Katie's breast, and she expelled a slow, calming breath. "I divorced him because I despised him."
"Why?"
"I would rather not discuss it."
"I see," Padre Gregorio said. He shoved the papers aside, laid down his pen, and Katie felt the fragile truce begin to crumble. "In that case, per¬haps you would not object to discussing Ramon and yourself. How long have you known each other?"
"Only two weeks."
"What an unusual answer," he remarked. "Where did you meet?"
"In the States."
"Senorita Connelly," he said in a chilling tone, "would you consider it an invasion of your privacy if I asked you to be a little more specific?"
Katie's eyes flashed militantly. "Not at all, Padre. I met Ramon at a bar—a cantina, I think you call it here."
He looked stunned. "Ramon met you in a cantina?"
"Actually, it was outside."
"Pardon?"
"It was outside, in the parking lot. I was having some trouble and Ramon helped me."
Padre Gregorio relaxed in his chair and nodded his complete approval. "Of course. You were hav¬ing automobile trouble, and Ramon assisted you."
As if she had taken an oath to tell the whole truth and nothing but, Katie corrected him. "Ac-tually, I was having trouble with a man who was, ah, kissing me in the parking lot, and Ramon hit him. He was a little intoxicated I think."
Behind his gold wire spectacles, the priest's eyes turned into icicles. "Senorita," he said with con-tempt, "are you trying to tell me that Ramon Ga-verra engaged in a drunken brawl in a public park-ing lot of a cantina over some woman he did not know—namely, you?"
"Of course not! Ramon hadn't been drinking, and I certainly wouldn't call it a brawl—he only hit Rob once, and that knocked him unconscious."
"And then what?" the priest demanded impa¬tiently.
Unfortunately, Katie's wayward sense of humor chose that moment to assert itself. "Then we stuffed Rob in his car, and Ramon and I drove away in mine."
"Charming."
A genuine smile drifted across Katie's features. "Actually, it wasn't quite as terrible as it sounds."
"I find that hard to believe."
Katie's smile faded. Her eyes turned a deep, rebel¬lious blue. "Believe whatever you wish, padre."
"It is what you wish me to believe that astounds me, Senorita," he snapped, rising from behind his desk. Katie stood up, her emotions so tangled by this unexpectedly abrupt conclusion to their inter-view that she scarcely knew whether she felt relieved or worried. "What do you mean by that?" she asked, puzzled.
"You think about it, and we will meet again on Monday morning at nine.''
AN HOUR LATER, Katie" had changed into slacks and a white knit shirt. She felt angry, bewildered and guilty as she began the hike up the long hill from Gabriella's house to the cottage where Ramon was working.
On the first plateau, she turned to look out over the hills splashed with wild flowers. She could still pick out the roof of Gabriella's house, and Rafael's house, and of course, the village itself. Ramon's cot¬tage was so much higher than the surrounding houses—two more plateaus up, in fact—that Katie decided to sit down and rest. Drawing her legs up against her chest, she wrapped her arms around them and perched her chin on her knees.
"It is what you wish me to believe that astounds me, Senorita," the old priest had said. He actually made it seem as if she were trying to give him a bad impression, Katie thought angrily, when in actuality she had shopped all day in a shirtwaist and heels so that she would be appropriately and respectfully dressed when she kept her appointment!
She had merely told him the truth about how she and Ramon had met, and if that outraged his old-fashioned morality it was certainly not her fault. If he didn't want his questions answered, he shouldn't ask so many of them, Katie thought wrathfully.
The more she thought about it, the more blame¬less Katie felt for the hostile tone of her first meeting with Padre Gregorio. In fact, she was feeling quite justifiably indignant about the whole thing until Ramon's words floated through her mind. "How could you forget your appointment with Padre Gregorio only a few hours after I reminded you of it?... Padre Gregorio is the only possible obstacle to our getting married in ten days. Do you want him to decide we are not suited, Katie?"
Uncertainty promptly cooled Katie's ire. How could she have forgotten that appointment? Her first wedding had required months of preparation and countless appointments with dressmakers, florists, caterers, photographers, printers and a half-dozen other people. Not once had she ever "forgotten" an appointment with any of them.
Had she subconsciously wanted to forget yester¬day's appointment with Padre Gregorio, Katie won¬dered a little guiltily. Had she deliberately tried to make a bad impression on Padre Gregorio today? That question made Katie squirm inwardly. No, she hadn't tried to impress him either way—bad or good, she admitted to herself. But she had let him form a distorted and unflattering image of her meet¬ing with Ramon at the Canyon Inn, without trying to correct it.
When he tried to probe into her divorce she had practically told him it was none of his business. With innate honesty, Katie conceded that it was very much his business. On the other hand, she felt she had a right to resent anyone—anyone at all—who tried to force her to discuss David. Still, she could have been less hostile about the subject. She could have simply told Padre Gregorio that her reason for divorcing David was adultery and physical brutality. Then, if he tried to delve further into the subject, she could have explained that the details were im¬possible for her to discuss and she would rather for¬get about it.
That's what she should have done. Instead she had been uncooperative, flippant and coldly de-fiant. In fact, she could not remember ever being so brazenly discourteous to anyone in her life. As a result, she had antagonized the only man who could stand in the way of her marrying Ramon in ten days. What a foolish, irrational thing for her to have done.
Katie picked up an African tulip that had fallen beside her and began idly stripping it of its scarlet petals. Unbidden, Gabriella's words came to mind. "You have not bought one thing just because you want it." At the time, Katie had disregarded that as being untrue. But now that she really thought about it, she realized that she had unconsciously avoided choosing one single item that would put the stamp of her femininity, or her personality, on Ramon's house. Because that would obligate her to marry him and live there. The closer their wedding day came, the more alarmed and hesitant she was becoming. There was no point in denying it, but admitting it didn't help either. When she left St. Louis with Ramon she had been so certain that coming here was the right thing to do. Now, she was certain of nothing. She couldn't understand her fear or her uncertainty; she couldn't even understand some of the things she was doing! For someone who prided herself on her logical thinking, she was suddenly behaving like a complete neurotic. There was absolutely no excuse for her behavior, Katie thought angrily. Or perhaps there was. The last time she had committed herself to a man, to marriage, her world had fallen apart. Few people knew better than she what an agonizing, humiliating experience a bad marriage could be. Perhaps marriage was not worth the risk. Perhaps she should never have considered remarry¬ing and—no! Absolutely not!
She would not let the emotional scars David left her with ruin her life and destroy her chance to have a warm and happy marriage. She would not give David Caldwell that much satisfaction—dead or alive!
Katie jumped up and brushed off her slacks. On the second plateau, she turned again and looked down on the village. She smiled softly, thinking that it looked like a page from a travel brochure; tiny white toy buildings nestled in green hills, with the church in the center. The church where she would be married in ten days.
Her stomach instantly clenched into knots at the thought, and Katie could have wept in desperation. She felt as if she were being torn to pieces. Her mind pulled her one way and her heart tugged another. Fear coiled in her chest, desire pulsed through her veins, and her love for Ramon burned like a steady, glowing fire in the center of it all.
And she did love him. She loved him very much.
She had never actually admitted that to herself be¬fore, and the admission sent a fierce jolt of pleasure and panic through her. Now that she acknowledged her feelings, why couldn't she just accept her love for this beautiful, tender, passionate man, and follow wherever it led her?
Follow love wherever it led her, Katie thought with bitter despair. She had done that once be¬fore, and it had led her into a living nightmare. Biting her lip, Katie turned away and started up the hill again.
Why was she suddenly thinking of David and her first marriage all the time, she wondered miserably. The only similarity between David and Ramon, other than their height and coloring, was that they were both intelligent. David had been an ambitious, talented attorney; a polished, worldly man. While Ramon....
While Ramon was an enigma, a puzzle: a well-spoken, widely read, intelligent man with an intense interest in, and staggering grasp of, world affairs. A man who could mingle with effortless ease among her parents' sophisticated friends—a man who chose, nevertheless, to be a farmer. A man who chose to be a farmer, yet had no deep feeling, no real pride, in his land. He had never offered to take Katie into the fields, even though she had asked to see them, and when he discussed improving the farm with Rafael, Ramon spoke with resolute determina¬tion—but never any real enthusiasm.
Katie had been so surprised by his attitude that earlier this week she asked him if he had ever wanted to do something besides farm. Ramon had answered with an uninformative "Yes."
"Then why are you going to do it?" Katie had persisted.
"Because the farm is here," he had replied unan¬swerably. "Because it is ours. Because I have found more peace and joy being here with you than I have ever known."
Peace from what, Katie wondered desperately. And if he was really happy, he didn't always look it. In fact, there were many times this past week when Katie had glanced at him and glimpsed a grim taut-ness in his face, a ravaged harshness in his eyes. The instant he realized she was watching him, the expres¬sion would vanish. He would smile at her—one of his warmly intimate smiles.
What was he hiding from her? Some deep sad¬ness? Or something much worse? A streak of viciousness like David's or—
Katie shook her head in denial. Ramon was noth¬ing like David. Nothing like him. She stopped in her climb to break off a branch of a small flamboyant tree. It was covered with yellow blossoms and she raised the branch to her nose, trying to chase away the tormenting uncertainties that pursued her everywhere.
As she came to the top of the hill, Katie heard the sounds of hammers and saws coming from the cot¬tage. Four painters were working on the outside ap¬plying a fresh coat of white paint to the bricks and wood trim, another was painting the shutters black.
Her spirits lifted when she compared the run¬ down hovel it had seemed to be on Sunday, with the way it looked now. In five days, with the help of an army of carpenters, Ramon was transforming it into
the picturesque little house he must have remem¬bered visiting in the days when his grandfather lived here.
"Flower boxes," Katie said aloud. She tipped her head to the side, trying to visualize the boxes bloom¬ing with flowers below the wide windows on either side of the front door. That was exactly what the cottage needed, she decided. That would make it a storybook cottage in a storybook setting on a story¬book island. But would her life be a storybook life here?
She found Ramon stepping off a ladder on the far side of the house where he had also been painting. At the sound of her softly spoken "Hi" he turned in surprise; a slow, devastatingly attractive smile sweeping across his tanned features. He was so ob¬viously pleased to see her that Katie felt suddenly, absurdly happy, too.
"I brought you something," she joked, taking the blossom-covered branch from behind her back and thrusting it toward him like a bouquet.
"Flowers?" Ramon teased, accepting the branch with grave formality. "For me?"
Though his tone was light, Katie caught the warmth kindling in his expressive eyes. She nodded, a provocative smile curving her lips. "Tomorrow it will be candy."
"And the next day?"
"Oh, jewelry is customary. Something tastefully expensive, but small—nothing ostentatious that might alert you to my true intentions."
He grinned. "And the next day?"
"Lock your doors and guard your virtue, because that's collection day," she laughed.
His. broad chest was bare, gleaming like oiled bronze, and he smelled like soap and sweat, a com¬bination that Katie found strangely stimulating as he pulled her into his arms. "For you," he said as his hands moved lazily over her back and his mobile mouth came nearer to hers, "I will be an easy con¬quest: my virtue for the flowers alone."
"Shameless hussy!" Katie teased a little breath¬lessly.
His eyes darkened. "Kiss me, Katie."
Tender Triumph Tender Triumph - Judith Mcnaught Tender Triumph