um, are you awake?’

It was midnight. Mum was in my bed and I was on the couch and I was wide awake.

‘Yes, dear,’ she replied instantly, wide awake. The bedside lamp went on. We both sat up.

‘Why don’t you have a garden party, at the house? Invite close friends and family, keep the flowers you’ve ordered and the caterers you’ve booked.’

Mum thought about it, then clapped her hands and beamed. ‘Lucy, that’s a wonderful idea.’ Then her smile faded. ‘Problem is, I have to marry your father again.’

‘Good point. Well, that’s one thing I can’t help you with.’

She turned the light off and we lay in silence, both of our minds on overtime. I took my phone from the coffee table and stared at my screen saver. Don’s eyes still dominated the screen. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I wanted to contact him to apologise but I didn’t know what to say. I had been so disrespectful to him, had clearly chosen Blake over him and then cowered away from dealing with it by leaving it up to my life to tell him. I put the phone back on the table but as if she read my mind, Mum asked out of nowhere, ‘What happened to your boyfriend?’

‘Blake?’

‘No, not him, the young man who came for dinner on Monday.’

‘Oh. Don. He wasn’t exactly my boyfriend.’

‘Wasn’t he? You had such chemistry. And I just loved how he defended you in front of your father. Wasn’t that something?’

‘Yeah,’ I said quietly. Then, ‘What do you mean, we had chemistry?’

‘The way you looked at each other, you both looked like you were caught in a spell.’

My heart flipped.

‘Your father and I used to be like that or so people said. You know, we met at one of Daddy’s parties. I was still in school and your father was doing an internship with Daddy.’

‘I know, you told me.’

‘Yes, but I never told you how he chatted me up.’

‘Father chatted you up?’

‘Of course. I’d brought a friend along with me to the party but she went to the bathroom and so I was alone and this austere, serious-looking young man with a moustache approached me. He had a glass of water in his hand and he said to me, “You look lonely, would you like some company?”’

‘That was his chat-up line?’ I smirked.

‘Yes,’ she giggled. ‘But it worked because as soon as he sat beside me I was never lonely ever again.’

I swallowed, my eyes filled up. I turned on my side again, picked up the phone to look at Don’s eyes and immediately knew what I had to do. It was time to tell a few truths.

Life arrived later than usual the following day, letting himself in with his own key at lunchtime, lost behind a bundle of multicoloured ‘Happy Birthday’ balloons. ‘What on earth is happening in this building, it smells like – oh, my God.’ He stopped and looked around.

I didn’t stop, kept doing what I was doing which was rolling out pastry. My arms were tired and beads of sweat had broken out on my forehead but things had never been clearer in my mind. Everything in my life was crystal clear now, I knew what I had to do. The more pastry I rolled, the more I knew my fate.

‘Are you having a nervous breakdown?’ Life asked, with mock concern. ‘Because if you are, I’ll have to go back to the office and file some serious paperwork. And I’m just done with filing your nervous breakdowns. Typical,’ he huffed.

‘No, the opposite, in fact. I’m in the midst of a moment of enlightenment,’ I said, still busy with the pastry.

‘Have you been reading books again? I told you not to do that. They give you notions.’

I kept working.

‘Well, happy thirtieth birthday.’ He kissed my head. ‘I bought you balloons but my real present was to give you the morning away from me. Priceless.’

‘Thank you.’ I admired the balloons briefly, then got back to work.

‘Have you taken a break at all, crazy lady?’ he asked, moving a plate of muffins to the floor and sitting at the counter.

I finally paused for a moment to take in the scene and he had a point. Every available surface in the flat was filled with cupcakes and pies. On the hob more fruit bubbled in a pot: rhubarb and apple. I’d made blueberry muffins, apple tart and pecan and caramel pie slices. After spending the night sending out text messages to spread the word, I had gone to the supermarket early that morning in a quest to find food for my mother. It had been a few years since I’d been to the supermarket, a real one, not a fancy newsagent that had serviced my dinner-for-one appetite for the past two years. I had passed by the food and been pulled directly to the baking section and once there my mind had come alive, as though it had been dormant for quite some time and then there was an explosion of thoughts. Not just ideas, I always had them, but of actual decisions. I’d decided to make a chocolate biscuit birthday cake for myself but then as soon as I’d started, I couldn’t stop, it was as though baking was therapy enough for me, things were becoming clearer in my head.

‘The more I knead, the more I realise what I need,’ I told Life, as I frantically worked the dough. ‘I need to knead,’ I giggled.

He looked at me in amusement.

‘But I also need to speak to my friends, I need to speak to Don, I need to get a job – a proper job, a job that I kind of like, a job I’m qualified to do, I need to finally move on.’

I pushed a blackberry and apple crumble towards him, then I checked my mobile. Everybody else had returned my message but still no response from Don.

‘Wow. Enlightenment is an understatement. So you’re ready to make changes?’

‘Ready is my middle name.’ I continued to work the dough, like a woman on a mission.

‘Actually, it’s Caroline but I know what you mean.’ He leaned his chin on his hand and watched me lazily but I could tell he was as pumped as I was. There was a change in me, things were finally moving. ‘I received your text message at midnight last night.’

‘Good,’ I said, lifting the pastry from the counter, resting it on a plate and gently smoothing it down to fill the shape of the dish.

‘I take it you sent a similar message to all of your friends?’

‘Yep.’

‘Did they even know it was your birthday? Why didn’t they plan something for you?’

‘They wanted to plan it months ago but I told them not to. I told them I’d be in Paris with my mum.’

‘Is everybody attending this birthday dinner for the surprise announcement?’

‘Yep. So far, everybody but Don.’

‘And are you going to fill me in on what your little announcement is going to be?’

‘Nope.’

He didn’t seem to mind.

‘So what do you plan to do with all this food?’

‘I can give some to the neighbours.’

He was quiet. Then, ‘You watched that movie last night, didn’t you?’

‘What movie?’ I tried to act confused.

‘Lucy.’ He stood up from the stool, losing his patience. ‘What are you going to do, open up a cupcake shop like the girl in the film?’

I pinked. ‘Why not? It worked for her.’

‘Because it’s a movie Lucy, they make life-changing decisions in twenty-second montages. This is your life. You don’t have the first idea about starting up a business, you don’t have any money, no financial acumen, no bank would give you the start-up money – you just like fannying about with pink icing.’

I snorted childishly. ‘You said fanny.’

He rolled his eyes.

‘Well, maybe I’ll sell them at the market along the canal today.’ I said it as though it was a new thought, but really, apart from the adrenaline of clarity urging me on, I had the excitement of selling them at market at the back of my mind. I was being pro-active, creating work for myself when I didn’t have any, it’s what everybody was saying to do these days, surely my life would be proud.

‘That’s a great idea.’ He lit up and I immediately sensed the sarcasm. ‘Do you have your trader’s liability? Have you registered as a food business and complied with HSE/EHO standards?’ He looked around the flat. ‘Hmm. I wonder. Have you got your own stall? Booked a place to display your goods?’

‘No,’ I said quietly.

He opened his bag and then threw down a newspaper onto the counter. ‘Get real, read this.’ It was opened on the jobs page but all I could concentrate on was the fact that the corner of the page had landed in cream. Then he dunked his finger into the bowl of icing and licked his finger. His eyes lit up. ‘Mmm. Maybe you could open a cupcake restaurant after all.’

‘Really?’ I perked up, feeling hopeful.

‘No,’ he scowled at me. ‘But I’m taking this with me.’ He lifted a tray of cupcakes and brought them to the couch.

I smiled. ‘Oh, by the way, did Don call you?’

‘No, sorry,’ he said gently.

‘Okay. Not your fault.’ Then I got back to work.

Life was scoffing cupcakes and shouting at the Jeremy Kyle Show when there was a knock on the door. I opened it and immediately slammed it closed again. Life paused the television and looked at me in alarm.

‘What’s wrong?’

I panicked, trying to motion to the door and act out landlord in sign language. He didn’t catch on so I ran around the apartment trying to catch Mr Pan who thought it was a game, while all the time my landlord’s knocking turned into banging. Eventually I scooped him up and locked him in the bathroom. Life looked at me with a cupcake paused midway to his open lips.

‘Am I next? If you want some time alone you should just say.’

‘No,’ I hissed. I answered the door to my landlord who was red in the face with anger at being ignored.

‘Charlie,’ I smiled. ‘Sorry about the delay, I just had some things lying around. Personal woman things of a personal nature.’

His eyes narrowed suspiciously at me. ‘Can I come in?’

‘Why?’

‘It’s my apartment.’

‘Yes, but you can’t just storm in here unannounced. I live here. I have rights.’

‘I’ve heard reports that you’ve a cat in here.’

‘A cat? Me? No! I’m completely allergic to cats, my arms get all rashy and scratchy and I hate the little buggers. Cats – not my arms – I’ve been working on them for years.’ I showed him my muscles.

‘Lucy,’ he said in a warning tone.

‘What?’

‘Let me in so I can take a look.’

I hesitated, then slowly pulled the door wider. ‘Okay, but you can’t go into the toilet.’

‘Why not?’ He stepped in and looked around like the child-catcher.

‘Her mother has diarrhoea,’ Life said, kneeling up on the couch. ‘She wouldn’t take very kindly to you breaking and entering.’

‘I’m not breaking and entering, I’m the landlord. Who are you?’

‘Not a cat. I’m her life.’

Charlie looked at him dubiously.

Thankfully, the baking had gotten rid of the cat smell that I never noticed because I was so used to it but that the cat-catcher would sniff out in an instant. Then I remembered Mr Pan’s bed and litter box.

‘What’s going on here?’ Charlie asked, surveying the plates of baked goods which dominated every surface.

‘Oh, that? I’m just baking, why don’t you taste some?’ I guided him to the furthest point of the room where he’d have his back to me and handed him a spoon. Then I rushed around the corner to kick Mr Pan’s bed under mine. He turned around just as I’d finished. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously and pointed the fork at me.

‘Are you up to something?’

‘Like what?’

‘Have you a licence to do this?’

‘Why would I need one? I’m just baking.’

‘There’s an awful lot of food in here. Who are you going to give it to?’

‘She wants to open a cupcake shop,’ Life said.

Charlie’s eyes narrowed. ‘I saw that in a film last night. That was in New York, it would never work here. And if the guy really wanted her back he should have done it before she became a success, instead of bursting into the shop in front of all the customers. I didn’t trust his motivations.’

‘Really?’ I settled down on the back of the couch, happy to have the debate. ‘Because I thought they were perfect for each other and the fact that her friend and his friend got together too really showed that—’

Mr Pan started miaowing in the bathroom. And then my mum breezed in the open door and I knew I was royally screwed.

‘What is this wondrous smell? Oh, Lucy, how fantastic! If I ever eventually decide to marry your blasted father will you please bake my cake? Wouldn’t that be splendid?’ Then she noticed Charlie and thinking she was being welcomed into my world of secrets and friends she held her hand out. ‘Oh, hello, I’m Lucy’s mother. It’s lovely to meet you.’

He looked at me with interest. ‘So who’s in there?’

Mum took back her hand, as though she’d been stung.

‘In where?’

‘In the toilet?’

‘Oh … that’s …’ I couldn’t lie in front of my life. He owed at least three truths at this stage, but I didn’t need to think of anything because Mr Pan mewed again, loudly and perfectly audible.

‘Why, that’s Mr Pan!’ Mum said, astonished. ‘However did he get in there?’

‘He’s a family friend,’ Life said casually, taking another bite of a cupcake.

‘In fact, look what I got for him today.’ She rooted in her shopping bags and came out with a pink tutu. ‘He strikes me as the feminine type, for some reason, always sitting in your shoes.’

‘A very small family friend,’ Life added.

‘So you do have a cat,’ Charlie said, tucking into more pie.

‘Oh,’ Mum said, suddenly realising what she’d done.

I gave up.

‘Get rid of him, Lucy,’ Charlie said. ‘Pets aren’t allowed in this building, you know that. I’ve had complaints.’

‘I can’t get rid of him,’ I whined. ‘He’s my friend.’

‘I don’t care what you think he is, he’s a cat. Get rid of him or else move out. Nice to meet you, Mrs Silchester, and …’ he looked at Life. Then at me. ‘You.’ He gave me one last warning look. ‘I’ll be back around to check on you,’ he said and then left.

‘Well, happy birthday to me,’ I said glumly.

Mum glanced at me apologetically. I opened the bathroom door and finally released Mr Pan. He stared from one face to another, knowing something bad had happened.

‘No job, no boyfriend, no friends and no place to live. You’ve really done wonders for me,’ I said to Life.

‘Just thought I’d do a little decluttering for you,’ he replied, then resumed watching Jeremy Kyle. ‘He talks to them like they’re imbeciles. I should take notes.’

‘You don’t have to lose your lovely home,’ Mum said. ‘I’ll take Mr Pan, I’d love to have him at the house. Imagine all the space he’d have.’

‘But I’d miss him.’ I picked him up and cuddled him. He jumped out of my arms, disgusted by the loving gesture.

‘All the more reason to visit,’ Mum said happily.

‘You’re not selling it to her, Sheila,’ Life piped up. ‘And how could you possibly leave all this behind?’

‘I love my apartment,’ I huffed. ‘Two years and seven months I managed to keep you a secret, Mr Pan.’

Mum looked like she felt even more guilty.

‘Today is obviously the day to end all secrets,’ Life said, serious for once.

Mum clapped her hands excitedly. ‘Let’s get ready!’

Mum dressed in the bathroom to protect her modesty while I stripped off in front of my life.

‘What are you wearing?’ he asked.

I surveyed the curtain pole.

‘That one?’

He scrunched up his nose.

‘The pink one?’

He shook his head.

‘The black one?’

He shrugged. ‘Try it on.’

I stood up on the windowsill in my underwear and reached for the dress.

‘So how do you feel about reaching thirty?’

‘The same as I felt yesterday when I was twenty-nine.’

‘That’s not true.’

‘No, it’s not true,’ I agreed. ‘I had an epiphany last night, which was nurtured this morning at the supermarket. I really should go there more often, you know. As soon as I was looking at the raisins I knew exactly what it was that I had to do. But it had nothing to do with turning thirty.’

‘No, it had everything to do with the magical supermarket.’

‘Maybe it’s the way it’s all laid out. So structured. So decisive, so matter of fact, so fruit over here and veg over there, and hey, you ice cream, you’re cold, you go over there in the fridge with the other cold—’

‘Lucy,’ he interrupted.

‘Yes.’

‘That dress makes you look fat.’

‘Oh.’ I lifted it back over my head.

Life was lying on the bed in a smart summer suit, propped up by my pillows and his arms behind his head.

I tried another dress.

‘Your mum seems excited about tonight.’

‘I know,’ I frowned. ‘I think she thinks I’m going to admit to winning an Olympic medal or something. I don’t think she quite gets what I’m revealing.’

‘What did you tell her?’

‘The same as everyone else.’

‘That you’d like to invite everybody for “a celebration of the truth”,’ he said, grandly reading my text from his phone, ‘“and P.S. if you’re getting me a present please just give me cash, love, Lucy”.’ He raised his eyebrow. ‘Charming.’

‘Well, there’s no point beating around the bush, is there? I need money.’

‘This really is a whole new you. I can see your nipples,’ he commented.

‘Believe it or not, some men actually want to see my nipples,’ I huffed, but took it off anyway.

‘Not this man.’

‘You must be gay,’ I said, and we laughed.

‘Speaking of gay, how do you think Blake is going to feel about this little gathering?’

‘I think by the time Blake hears about it he’ll be very pissed off,’ I said, getting frustrated as I became tangled in my dress. Finally, with my head trapped inside I pulled the zip down the back and it fell over my head and body. My hair was a static mess, I had to dislocate my arm sockets to zip my dress to the top.

‘Let me help,’ Life said, finally moving from the bed. He zipped me up. He smoothed down my hair, fixed the front of the dress, gave me the once-over. I waited for him to tell me to invest in some of Philip’s plastic surgery or something. ‘Beautiful,’ he said and that made me smile. ‘Come on.’ He smacked my arse. ‘The truth shall set you free.’

For the first time in two years eleven months and twenty-three days I was first to the dinner table in the Wine Bistro. Life sat one side of me and there was an empty seat to the other side because I hoped. I just hoped. Mum sat beside the empty seat. Riley was next to arrive and brought a bouquet of flowers, a doormat, a three-bean salad and an envelope. I laughed at the gesture, then went straight for the envelope and didn’t even read the card before shaking it and counting two hundred euro in four fifty-euro bills. I whooped. Life rolled his eyes.

‘You are so obvious.’

‘So what? I’m broke, I have no pride.’

Riley greeted Life by bowing at his feet and kissing his hand. ‘Mum, I didn’t know you were coming,’ he said, greeting her next and going for the empty chair beside me.

‘I’m expecting someone,’ I said, putting the three-bean salad on the chair.

‘I’m staying with Lucy,’ Mum said happily, pulling out a chair for him on the other side of her.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Riley laughed, thinking it was a joke.

‘Your father’s a bastard,’ Mum said, sucking on the straw of her vodka, soda and lime.

Riley looked at her in shock, then at me accusingly. ‘Have you brainwashed her?’

I shook my head.

‘So I take it he’s not coming?’

Mum snorted.

‘And Philip?’

‘He’s doing emergency reconstructive surgery on a little boy who was in an accident,’ I said, bored.

‘Oh, please.’ Mum waved her hand in the air. ‘Let’s not all pretend we don’t know Philip is doing boob jobs.’

We both looked at Mum in surprise. Life laughed, enjoying it all.

‘Who are you and what have you done with my mother?’ Riley asked.

‘Your mother is on a much needed break. Sheila, however, is back on duty,’ she said forcefully, then she giggled and leaned into me. ‘Did you like that?’

‘Brilliant, Mum.’

Jamie and Melanie arrived and I stood to greet them. Melanie hung back a little so I hugged Jamie first.

‘Happy birthday.’ He squeezed me tight, crushing my ribs. ‘Melanie has my present for you, we integrated, the present company wasn’t doing well so we merged.’

‘You forgot, didn’t you?’

‘Completely.’

‘Sorry I didn’t return your call last week.’

‘Hey, it’s fine, it was no big deal, I just wanted to see if you were okay. Hey, Melanie just told me that guy is your life?’ Jamie’s eyes were wide. ‘That’s crazy. I read about that in a magazine once. Wait till Adam hears about it. That’s what we’re here for, isn’t it?’ he asked, but he didn’t wait for the answer before moving off. ‘Where do I sit? Beside you, Mrs Silchester?’

I heard Mum giggle behind me.

Melanie’s eyes widened. ‘Your mum’s here?’

‘A lot has happened since I’ve seen you last.’

‘Sorry I haven’t been in touch.’

‘No, I deserved it. It’s fine. Melanie, I’m really sorry.’

She just nodded her forgiveness. ‘Sorry that I told Jamie he’s your life, you know what I’m like with secrets. Oh, my God, speaking of secrets, Jamie just told me that he’s still in love with Lisa. Shit, I’ve just done it again.’ She clamped her hand across her mouth.

I barely had time to take it in as Lisa and David arrived next, Lisa waddling with only weeks to go to her due date. People had to pull their chairs in so she could manoeuvre around the tight restaurant, her swollen belly knocking against the backs of people’s heads as she went through sideways, which was actually a pointless task because she would be narrower if she’d walked straight on. They were both awkward after our last meeting but I gave Lisa a warm hug and silently whooped when she handed me a sealed envelope. It held promises of treasures within.

David joined the table and sat beside Jamie. Jamie stood up. ‘Wow, Lisa, you look amazing.’ David glared at him, Melanie pretended to choke and they turned her attention on her, slapping her back. She stopped when I suggested the Heimlich manoeuvre. Then Chantelle arrived with a strange man in tow, or at least a stranger to us, I didn’t know what he liked to do in his spare time.

‘Hey, birthday girl.’ She gave me a kiss and handed me an envelope, probably not even remembering our last encounter. ‘Everybody,’ she said so loudly that the entire restaurant could hear, ‘this is Andrew. Andrew, this is everybody.’

Andrew’s cheeks blazed red, to the same colour as his hair, and he gave the table an awkward wave. Chantelle in her usual loud and self-centred voice proceeded to fire names at him as if he was hard of hearing, which he could never remember even if he wasn’t completely overwhelmed by meeting so many new faces all at once. Then finally, Adam and Mary arrived; Mary sullen and dressed in black, Adam looking like he felt every accusation he’d ever thrown at me was about to be vindicated. I couldn’t wait; though to reveal that I’d been lying about mostly everything for the past few years was hardly a win for me. They handed me an envelope and a potted plant and I didn’t even pretend to be happy about it; I could guess that the card contained nothing but courteous words inside and not a banknote in sight.

I remembered the cake I’d brought with me and took it to the fake French waiter.

‘Hi,’ I smiled.

He barely looked at me.

‘It’s my birthday today.’

‘Mm-hmm.’

‘And I brought this cake for myself. In fact, I baked it.’ No response. I cleared my throat. ‘Could you please bring it to the kitchen, so we can have it for dessert?’ He tutted and took it from me, then turned on his heel. ‘I’m sorry,’ I called out and he paused and turned back around again. ‘I’m sorry for all the things I said to you. In French. They were never bad, by the way, just random, and I knew you didn’t understand.’

‘I am French,’ he said threateningly, in case anybody else heard.

‘Don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody. I’m not perfect, in fact I’ve told lies myself. Lots of lies. But tonight I’m going to tell the truth.’

He looked at the group and then back at me and spoke quietly in his Irish accent, ‘Only French speakers needed apply, the ad said.’

‘I understand.’

‘I needed the job.’

‘I completely understand. I need a job too and I speak French – are there any going?’

‘Now you’re trying to steal my job?’ He looked horrified.

‘No, no, no, not at all, I’m not trying to do that. I mean, I would work with you.’

He looked at me as though he would rather I stick daggers in his body.

I made my way to the table and the chatter suddenly died. The seat beside mine was still empty and I looked at my watch; there was still time. I sat at the head of the table and all eyes were on me. I didn’t blame them, I had summoned them here with a dramatic text about truth and then swiftly followed it with a demand for money and now the red light was on. Time for action. The waiter came to the table and slowly began pouring water. I was going to wait until he was gone, but he was moving so slowly I got the sense he wasn’t budging until he heard what I had to say.

‘Okay, thank you for coming. It’s not a big deal, but it’s a big deal to me. Something happened and it changed the current course of my life which something happened to again and now it’s taking another course.’ Chantelle looked confused. Andrew, who had never met me, looked uncomfortable as if he shouldn’t be there, but Mary nodded in complete understanding. ‘And in order for me to move on, I need to share it with you.’ I took a deep breath. ‘So—’

On that note the restaurant door opened and my heart lifted, hoping, hoping, hoping … but Blake stepped inside.