uby retreated to her bedroom.

I'd wake up, lying on the kitchen floor, with huge chunks of my day gone. I don't know if you can understand that kind of depression.

Mom must have been so afraid, so alone...

Ruby knew how it felt. It was the worst, she knew, in the middle of a long, dark night, when,the man you lived with was in bed beside you. If he smelled of another woman's perfume, that hand-span between you could feel like the North Atlantic.

She opened the nightstand drawer and pulled out her legal pad. She'd learned that it calmed her to write down her thoughts, and God knew she needed to relax.

She sat down on the bed and drew her knees up, angling the pad against her thighs, and began to write.

I'd always believed that the truth of a person was easily spotted, a line drawn in dark ink on white paper. Now, I wonder. Maybe the truth of who we are lies hidden in all those shades of gray that everyone talks about

My mother was in a mental institution. This is her newest revelation. One of them, anyway; in truth, there have been too many to count.

Tonight, Mom painted a portrait of our family, and through her eyes I saw people I'd never imagined-a drunken, unfaithful husband and a depressed, overwhelmingly unhappy wife.

How is it that I saw none of this? Are children so sublimely oblivious to their own world?

She was right to hide this truth from me. Even now, I wish I didn't know it.

Sometimes, knowing where we come from hurts more than we can stand.

The phone rang.

Ruby was startled by the sound. Tossing the pad aside, she leaned over and answered. "Hello?"

“Ruby?"

It was Caroline's voice, soft and thready. Ruby immediately felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. "What's wrong?"

"Wrong? Nothing. Can't a girl just call her little sister?"

Ruby leaned back against the headboard. Caro sounded better now; still, that feeling of wrongness lingered. "Of course. You just sounded... "

“What?"

"I don't know. Tired."

Caro laughed. "I have two small children and a cat pukes up ten thousand hairballs a day. I'm always tired."

"Is that, Caro? Does motherhood suck something out of you?"

Caroline was quiet for a minute. "I used to dream of going to Paris. Now I just want privacy when I use the toilet."

"Jesus, Caro. How come we never talk about things like that?"

"There's nothing to say."

Ruby tried to sculpt an amorphous realization into words. "That's not true. When we talk on the phone, it's always about me. My career. My worthless excuse for a boyfriend. My thoughts on comedy. It's always about me.

"I like to live vicariously."

Ruby knew that was a lie. The truth was, Ruby had always been selfish. She didn't form relationships; she collected photographs of people and then cropped away the edges of anything that didn't fit with what she wanted to see. But those edges mattered. "Are you happy Caro?"

"Happy? Of course I'm-" Caro started to cry.

The soft, heartbreaking sound tore at Ruby's heart.

"Caro?"

"Sorry. Bad day in suburbia."

"Just one?"

"I can't talk about this now."

"What's wrong with our family that we can't talk about anything that matters?"

"Talking doesn't change things. Believe me. It's better to just go on.

"I used to think that, but I'm learning so much up here-"

"Ruby!" It was Mom's voice. She must be standing at the bottom of the stairs, yelling up.

Ruby held the phone to her chest. "I'll be right down. Hey, Caro," she said, coming back to the line.

"Why don't you come up here? Spend the night."

"Oh, I can't. The kids--"

"Leave them with the stud muffin. It's not like you're stapled to the house."

Caroline's laughter was sharp. "Actually, that's exactly what it's like."

"She's not who we thought, Caro," she said softly, realizing that she'd said the words before, but without truly knowing their power. "She's the... gatekeeper of our memories. Who we are. You should come."

Caroline paused, drew in a breath. "I'm afraid."

Ruby understood. She wouldn't have a week ago, but now she did. "You won't break." She halted, thinking.

It was important that she phrase it well, that she pass on something of what she'd learned about this family of theirs. "You think you have to hold it all in, and if you let any of it go, you'll shatter into tiny pieces and you won't know who you are. But it doesn't work that way. It's more like... opening your eyes in a room you'd expected to be dark. You can see things, and it makes you feel stronger." She laughed. "God, I sound like Obi-Wan on heroin."

"Jeez, Rube," Caroline said, sniffling a little. "My baby sister has finally grown up."

"And only a moment before menopause. But then, I've always been gifted. Top of my class, don't forget."

"There were ten people in your class."

"And three of them flunked out. Come on, Caro, come up and visit us. Run on the beach with me like we used to... slam tequila and dance with me. Let's see-finally-who we are."

"RUBY! Can you hear me?"

It was Mom's voice again. This time she was yelling at the top of her lungs.

Ruby accepted defeat. "I gotta go. I love you, big sis."

"You sound like the big sister now," Caroline answered, "and I'm proud of you, Rube. And jealous.

God... Bye."

Ruby hung up, then hurried downstairs. "Good God, is there a fire in the-"

She skidded to a stop in the kitchen.

Dean was standing there, holding a bouquet of Shasta daisies wrapped in tinfoil.

"Oh," Ruby said, feeling heat climb into her face.

Mom stood beside the table, grinning. "You have a visitor," she said in a perfect sorority-housemother voice.

Ruby took stock of herself: She hadn't brushed her teeth yet and she was still in her pajamas-an old Mega death T-shirt and fuzzy pink knee socks. If she were lucky-and she couldn't be-the oak floorboards would simply open up and swallow her.

Dean stepped forward and handed her the flowers. "Do you still like daisies?"

She nodded.

He closed the gap between them. "We need to talk." His voice dropped; its quiet timbre matched the soft pleading in his eyes. "Please."

The way he said it made her shiver. "Okay."

They stood there, staring at each other. Finally, Mom thumped toward them and gently tugged the flowers out of Ruby's hand.

"I'll put them in water," she said.

Ruby turned to her. It felt as if she'd just stumbled into a weird Bradys-gone-wild episode. Then she realized that moms were supposed to say things like that.

"Thanks, Mom." Ruby turned to Dean. "So, where are we going?"

He grinned. "Just wear a bathing suit under your clothes. Oh... and tennis shoes. I'll meet you outside." He gave her another quick smile, then kissed her mother on the cheek and headed outside.

Ruby could hear his footsteps crunching through the gravel behind the house. She looked at her mother.

"Did you organize this?"

"Of course not."

"This is not a good idea."

"Ruby Elizabeth Bridge, you don't have the sense God gave a banana slug. Now get upstairs and get dressed. If you're too damned scared to go out with your first love, then try remembering that he used to be your best friend, too."

She couldn't think of anything brilliant to say, so she left the room. Upstairs, she stood in front of her opened suitcase, staring down at the clothing she'd brought.

A bathing suit. Yeah, right.

Had she noticed when she packed that everything was black? Or did she always dress this way? Every T-shirt said something--MEGADEATH, UCLA BRUINS, PLANET HOLLYWOOD. Her personal favorite was a white T-shirt with a cartoon drawing of a plumber bent over a broken toilet. His low-slung pants revealed a huge part of his ass. The punch line was: Say no to crack.

Hardly the right choice for a visit with your first love...

Finally, at the very bottom of the suitcase, she found a plain, peach-colored tank top and a pair of frayed cutoffs.

She didn't bother with socks, just brushed her teeth, slicked her hair back (thank God Mom had cut it), grabbed her sunglasses, and raced back downstairs.

Her mother was sitting at the kitchen table, doing a crossword puzzle and sipping tea as if this were an ordinary morning. "Have a nice time," she said, not looking up.

"Bye." Ruby went outside. The first thing she noticed was the sweet scent of the roses and the salty tang of the sea. Baking kelp and hot rocks gave the air a faintly scorched, metallic smell.

She headed down the porch and skipped around to the side of the house.

There stood Dean, just outside the picket fence, with a bicycle on either side of him.

She stopped. "You've obviously confused me with a woman who likes to sweat."

He handed her a bike helmet. It was pink and had a Barbie decal on the forehead. She crossed her arms. "That is definitely not gonna happen."

He smiled. "Too old to ride a bike, Rube? Or too out of shape?"

Damn him. He knew she couldn't refuse a challenge. She grabbed the handlebars and yanked the bike around. "I haven't ridden a bike since..." She stumbled over the memories. "In a long time."

His smile faded. He was remembering it, too, the day she'd asked him out for a bike ride... and broken his heart.

She stared at him for a minute more, trying to read his mind. It was closed to her. "Okay," she said at last. "Lead on."

He jumped on his bike and pedaled on ahead of her. She wanted to watch him, maybe ride alongside, but frankly, she was terrified that she was going to do a face-plant on the gravel driveway and end up as a medical episode on the Discovery channel.

He turned at the end of the driveway and headed uphill.

Ruby tried to keep up. By the top of the street, her pores had turned into geysers. Her vision was blurred by sweat; she could have been pedaling underwater for all she could see.

And it was hot.

Really, really hot.

She would have complained was, in fact, dying to complain-but there wasn't enough breath in her lungs to form the word stop, let alone, you asshole.

Just when she felt her heart start to stutter; they turned a corner.

Levinger Hill.

They were flying now, racing side by side down the long, two-lane road. Golden pastures studded with apple trees rushed past them.

Dean leaned back, held his arms out...

And Ruby sailed into the past. They were fourteen again, that summer they learned to ride without using their hands, when every scraped knee was a badge of courage... when they'd whooshed down this very hill, arms outflung, together, the radio strapped to the handlebars blaring out Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now."

The hill slowed down into a long, even S curve, then wound into the entrance of Trout Lake State Park.

Ruby should have known he'd bring her here. "No fair, Dino," she said softly, wondering if he even heard her.

He heard. "What's that they say about love and war?"

"Which one is this?"

"That's up to you. Come on, race you to the park." Without waiting for an answer, he pedaled away from her, down the long, winding, tree-lined street.

It was dark on this road, even on this hot summer morning. Shadows fell across the thin layer of pavement in serrated strips. The air was cold.

She sped up to Dean, then pulled ahead. She heard him laughing quietly behind her, and she knew they were both thinking of the girl she'd been-the one who couldn't stand to lose at anything, even a pop corn dare like "race you to the park."

The road curled around a huge Douglas fir tree and spilled out into the sunshine. Ruby jumped off her bike and set it against the wooden bike rack. There was no need to lock it.

She heard Dean's bike land against the rack with a clatter, but she was already walking toward the lake. She had forgotten how beautiful it was here. The heart-shaped sapphire-blue lake was surrounded by lush green trees and rimmed in granite. A ribbon of water cascaded over the "giant's lip"-a flat, jutting rock at the top of the cliffs-and splashed onto the placid surface of the lake.

There were children everywhere, locals and tourists, playing on the grass, shrieking, swimming along the shore.

Dean came up beside her. "Are you up for a climb?"

She laughed. "I'm an adult now. Waterfall Trail is for mountain goats and kids who are desperate to smoke pot or get laid."

"I can make it," he said, letting the challenge in his words hang there.

She sighed. "Lead on."

Side by side, not talking, they walked around to the western side of the lake, wound through the horde of picnickers, Frisbee-catching dogs, and screaming children. When they reached the heavy fringe of trees, they left the people behind. Gradually, the sound of human voices faded away. The gurgling, splashing sound of falling water grew louder and louder.

Once again, Ruby was sweating.

The trail was rocky and narrow. It corkscrewed straight up through the trees, salal, and blackberries (which scratched her exposed arms and legs, thank you very much).

Finally, they reached the top. The giant's lip.

It was a slab of gray granite as big as a swimming pool and as flat as a quarter. A thick green moss furred the stone; dainty yellow wildflowers grew impossibly from the moss. A stream of water no wider than the length of a man's arm flowed across the rock in a groove worn long ago, then spilled over the edge and fell twenty feet to the lake below.

Ruby stepped into the clearing and saw the picnic basket. It was sitting on a familiar red-and-black plaid blanket.

Dean touched her shoulder. "Come on." He led her to the blanket, which he'd carefully spread out on a spot where the moss was several inches thick.

They sat down. He reached into the basket, pulled out a thermos, and poured two glasses of lemonade.

Ruby drank hers greedily. When she was finished, she set the glass aside and leaned back on her elbows. The hot sun beat down on her cheeks. "We used to come up here all the time."

"This is where you first told me you were going to be a comedian."

"Really?" She smiled. "I don't remember that."

"You said you wanted to be famous."

"I still do. And you wanted to be a prize-winning photographer." She didn't look at him. It was better to stay separate and talk about the past, as if they were just two old high-school friends who'd bumped into each other. "That's a long way from junior executive."

"Yeah... but I still wish for it. If I could, I'd throw everything away and start over. Money sure as hell doesn't make you happy."

It bothered her to think of him as unhappy. "Spoken like a man whose family business is on the Fortune Five Hundred."

He laughed softly. "Yeah, I guess."

A quiet settled in between them, and she was vaguely afraid of what he would say, so she said, "I saw Eric yesterday."

“He told me. It really meant a lot to him."

Ruby wishboned her arms behind her head. A single, gauzy cloud drifted above the trees. "I wish I'd stayed in better touch with him."

You?" Dean laughed bitterly. "I'm his brother and

I hadn't seen him in years."

That surprised Ruby. She rolled onto her side and faced Dean, but he didn't look at her. "You guys were always so close."

"Things change, don't they?"

"What happened?"

He stared up at the sky. "I seem to have a problem with really knowing the people I love. I get blindsided."

"You're talking about his being gay?"

Finally, he looked at her. "That's part of what I'm talking about." She understood, and knew that it was time. For more than ten years, she'd sworn to herself that if she ever got the chance with Dean, she would say the thing that mattered. "I'm sorry, Dean," she said. "I didn't want to hurt you."

He rolled onto his side, facing her. "You didn't want to hurt me? Jesus, Ruby, you were my whole world."

"I knew that. I just... couldn't be someone's world then."

"I tried to take care of you after your mom left, but it was hard. You were constantly picking a fight with me. But I kept telling myself it would be okay, that you'd get past it and come back to me. And I kept loving you.

Ruby didn't know how to explain it to him. How could she? She'd only barely begun to understand it herself. "You believed in something I didn't. Every time I closed my eyes at night, I dreamed about you leaving me. In my nightmares, I heard your voice, butI could never find you. I couldn't stand waiting for you to stop loving me. To leave me."

"What made you so damned sure I would leave you?"

"Come on, Dean... we were kids, but we weren't stupid. I knew you'd go off to some college I couldn't afford and forget about me."

Their faces were close together, and if she'd let her self, she could have lost her way in the blue sea of his eyes. "So, you dumped me before I had a chance to dump you.

She smiled sadly. "Pretty much. Now, let's change the subject. This is old news, and we both know it doesn't matter anymore. Tell me about your life. How is it to be a jet-setting superbachelor?"

"What if I said I still love you?"

Ruby gasped. "Don't say that... please-"

He took her face in his hands, gently forced her to look up at him. "Did you stop loving me, Ruby?"

She felt the soft exhalation of his breath against her lips. A second later, she heard his question. She wanted to say Of course; we were just kids, but when opened her mouth to answer, the only sound she made was a quiet sigh that tasted of surrender.

His lips brushed against her, and it was a sensation at once familiar and new. She melted against him, moaning his name as his hand curled around the back of her neck.

It was the kind of kiss they'd never shared before. The kind of achingly lonely kiss a pair of teenagers couldn't imagine, the kiss of two adults who'd been alone for too long and knew that God had given them this moment, and that it was a gift too precious to ignore. And for a few brief, heart-stopping seconds, their past faded like a photograph left in the hot sun.

When he drew back, she opened her eyes and saw the missing years drawn in lines on his face. Sun... time... heartache... they had all left imprints on his skin.

I've waited a long time for a second chance with you, Ruby."

If he said he loved her, she would believe him, and she would love him back. She closed her eyes, battling a wave of helplessness. She wished desperately to have grown up, to have been profoundly changed by all that she'd seen and learned in the past days. But it wasn't that easy.

Her fear of abandonment was so deep it had calcifed in her bones. She couldn't get past it. She'd discovered a long timc ago why the poets called it falling in love. It was a plunging, eye-watering descent, and she'd lost her ability to believe that anyone would catch her.

She pushed him away. "I can't do this. It's too much... too fast. You've always wanted too much from me.

"Damn it, Ruby," he said, and she heard the disappointment in his voice. "Have you grown up at all?"

"I won't hurt you again," she said.

He touched her face. "Ah,....... just looking at you hurts me."

She had never felt so alone. When he'd kissed her, she'd glimpsed a world she'd never imagined. A world where passion was part of love, but not the biggest part. Where a kiss from the right man, at the right time, could make a grown woman weep. "I can't give you what you want. It's not in me."

He brushed the hair away from her eyes, let his fingertips linger at her temple. "You ran me off when I was a boy. I'm not seventeen anymore, and we both know, this thing between us isn't over. I don't think it ever was.