have to go to him,’ I said, pacing.

‘No, you don’t.’

‘We have to go to him.’

‘No, we certainly do not.’

‘This is why you’re here.’

‘No …’ He spoke slowly. ‘I’m here because you’re delusional.’

‘I’m in love with him,’ I said, still pacing, my mind working overtime while I tried to plan winning him back.

‘You’re ruining the carpet is what you are.’

‘I knew she was out to get him. I’d known it ever since I met her and she asked him if he’d like ice and lemon in his drink. The way she said it, I just knew. ‘“Ice”,’ I imitated her. ‘“Do you want ice with that?”’

‘Whoa, hold on, who are we talking about now?’

‘Her.’ I finally stopped pacing and pointed at the paused TV screen with the remote control in my hand as though it was a weapon. ‘Jenna. Jenna Anderson.’ I spat the name out.

‘And she is?’

‘The PA. I couldn’t figure out whether she was an office PA or a set PA but now I know. Now I know for sure.’ I started pacing again.

‘What do you know for sure?’

‘That she’s the set PA, would you keep up?’ I snapped. ‘Wait a minute, where’s my laptop?’ I trampled over the damp carpet and opened the corner cupboard. I reached for my laptop, and a cookie which I demolished while the computer started up. Life watched me, from the high stool. I went to her Facebook page and viewed her status. I gasped.

‘What now?’ he asked, bored.

‘Her status has been updated.’

‘To what? Herdswoman?’ he said, looking at the paused screen where she sat surrounded by cloaked men.

‘No.’ My mind was racing. I knew it, I knew my paranoia was a guide.

‘Does it say to whom her status belongs?’

‘No.’ I stared at her Facebook page intensely as I tried to read beyond the entry page. ‘I bet she’s got photographs of the two of them in there, all kinds of comments and inside information. If I could just get in, then I could see it all and I’d know for sure.’

‘Don’t you ask people to be your friends on those things?’

‘Don’t you think I thought of that years ago? She said no, the bitch.’

Life sucked air in. ‘You should have changed your name.’

‘I did.’

‘Then you should have used your own name.’

‘Are you crazy? Why would any spy use their own identity?’

‘Oh, you’re a spy now. Okay, Double D, I think you should calm down now.’

‘I can’t calm down. They’ll still be a relatively new couple, when was that show filmed? I can still break them up,’ I said, filled with hope. I ran across from the kitchen to my bed that was piled high with the couch.

‘Aye, aye, aye, watch the carpet!’ he called.

‘Screw the carpet,’ I said rather dramatically. ‘This is my life.’ Then I grabbed a suitcase from the top of the wardrobe and started throwing things in, random things, nothing that would actually ever come to being one complete outfit, but the motion of packing was helpful.

‘I’m your life and I’m telling you to just stop for a moment and think.’

I obeyed him but only because I needed him. A plot was formulating in my head and he was central to it.

‘You can’t just pack a bag and chase him to …’ He looked at the TV. ‘Morocco.’

‘I’m not going to Morocco. I’m going to Wexford.’

‘Well, isn’t that glamorous. Thelma and Louise would have been a whole lot different if they’d decided to go there.’

‘His adventure school is there. If I leave now with Sebastian, I can be there by the morning.’

‘It’s unlikely that you’ll get there at all with Sebastian. Anyway, you’ve got work in the morning.’

‘I hate my job.’

‘I thought you said you liked it.’

‘I lied. I love Blake.’

‘I thought you said you were over him.’

‘I lied. I hate my job and I love Blake.’ I punched the air. Saying it felt right.

He sighed. ‘It’s like one step forward and two steps back with you.’

‘I have to go,’ I said more calmly. ‘It’s why you’re here. I know it. When you left I Googled people’s dreams. Because you were right, I didn’t have one, which is rather pathetic, I should have one.’

‘I don’t know which is more pathetic, not having a dream or Googling other people’s.’

‘It was for inspiration – and you know what one person online said?’ I was quite breathless about it now that it applied to me. ‘They said they want to someday, someway, somehow be reunited with the one true love that they lost.’ My voice ended in a squeak. ‘How romantic is that?’

‘Not very if the true love in question is a fake-tan-wearing selfish snake.’

‘Come on,’ I begged, ‘when you meet him you’ll realise that you actually like him. Everybody likes him.’

‘He doesn’t like you,’ Life said bluntly. ‘He left you. Three years ago. What makes you think anything will change?’

I swallowed. ‘Because I’ve changed. You’ve changed me. He might like me now.’

Life rolled his eyes, not wanting to fall for it but he couldn’t help it, he gave in. ‘Fine, I’ll go with you.’

I celebrated and gave him a hug. He didn’t reciprocate.

‘But you have to promise me that you’ll go to work tomorrow. You’re in a lot of trouble, it won’t do you any good not to show up. And you have to visit your mother. You can go to see Blake after work on Tuesday. Drive up and down in one night so that you’re back in work by Wednesday.’

‘I thought you wanted me to take care of my life,’ I whinged. ‘I thought that work was a distraction from taking care of the things that count.’

‘It is sometimes, but it’s not now. It’s the opposite now.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘It means that now Blake has become a distraction from taking care of the things that count.’

‘You make me sound so clever, as if I’m deliberately doing all this emotional distraction stuff.’

‘Not clever, just stupid. You have such blinkers on with Blake that you wouldn’t even recognise the perfect man of your dreams if he was standing right next to you.’

I narrowed my eyes, uncertain of whether he was trying to tell me something.

‘No, not me.’

‘Phew.’

‘He could even be right outside that very door,’ Life said, mysteriously.

The doorbell rang. I froze. Then I gathered myself, I didn’t believe in signs, I didn’t even trust sat nav. I looked at Life.

He smiled and shrugged, ‘I heard footsteps in the corridor, just thought I’d chance it.’

I rolled my eyes and pulled the door open. It was the carpet guy. I’d forgotten about him.

‘Sorry I’m late, I was delayed on another job and I would have called but my battery went dead, which means I’m late for my next appointment and my dad will have a fit. Do you mind if I borrow a charger or use your phone to call—’ He stepped into the apartment and saw Life. He seemed a bit put out, ended his story and respectfully nodded. ‘Hello.’

‘Hi, I’m just a friend of Lucy’s,’ my life said, swinging his legs back and forth from his perch on the high stool. ‘There’s nothing at all romantic going on between us.’

Donal laughed. ‘Okay.’

‘Now that you’re here to supervise the crazy lady, I’m leaving.’ He hopped off the stool. ‘All those track marks in the carpet are hers. She’s a pacing, raving uncontrollable lunatic.’

Donal studied the ground. ‘What were you doing in here, wrestling?’

‘Metaphorically speaking, yes,’ Life responded.

‘You can’t leave, we have so much to discuss,’ I said to Life, panicking.

‘About what?’

‘About the trip.’ I made big eyes at him.

Donal lifted the suitcase from the furniture.

‘Wexford,’ Life said to Donal, bored.

‘To an outdoor adventure centre,’ I said in defence of our trip.

‘In Bastardstown, no less,’ Life said, raising an eyebrow.

‘Ah yeah, that’s the man off the TV’s place,’ Donal said. ‘I’ve seen it advertised. Blake somebody.’

‘Blake Jones,’ I said, feeling proud.

‘Yeah, that’s him.’ Donal made a face and not a nice one, which led me to believe he didn’t like Blake. ‘And remember,’ Donal said, putting on a posh accent, ‘the only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.’

Life laughed loudly and clapped his hands. ‘That’s a good impression. Isn’t it, Lucy?’

I scowled.

‘He’s her ex-boyfriend,’ Life explained to Donal, who immediately stopped smiling and looked worried.

‘I’m really sorry, I wouldn’t have said anything.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Life said, waving a hand dismissively. ‘Or as Blake would say, “Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.”’

Donal laughed but turned it into a cough instead for my benefit.

‘We can talk about the big trip tomorrow. In the mean time, give the man your phone, he needs to call his father.’

‘My battery’s low,’ I said.

Life gave me a look and spoke in a warning tone. ‘Lucy, give the man your phone.’

‘The battery is low,’ I said slowly, so that he’d understand.

‘Fine, you made me do this.’ Life turned to Donal. ‘Donal, I am not Lucy’s friend. I am Lucy’s life, I have contacted her in an effort to fix the mess she has made of herself. So far you have done a wonderful job with her carpet. I’m spending time with her because right now she needs me, though at the moment I’m strongly considering medication as the best course of action.’

I gasped.

‘You lied about the battery on your mobile.’ He justified his truth.

I opened and closed my mouth but nothing would come out. I reached into my pocket and grudgingly handed Donal the phone.

‘Let me walk you to the door,’ I said, taking one step to get there. I held it open for him. While Donal was out of earshot I added in a hushed voice, ‘I thought you could claim it on expenses. I can’t afford my own bill, never mind other people making calls.’

‘I’ll give you the fifty cent,’ Life said and threw me a cheeky smile, revealing new sparkling white teeth, before disappearing down the hallway. When I turned around, Donal was looking at me with a shocked expression as though he’d seen a ghost.

‘What?’ I asked, worried. ‘What happened?’

‘Where did you get this photo?’ He lifted up the phone, showing me the pair of Don Lockwood’s eyes on my screen saver.

‘The guy who owns the eyes sent it to me,’ I replied, confused. ‘Why?’

Realisation passed over his face. ‘Because they’re mine.’