UNE 5

During the rainy season, business all but dried up. And with the constant rainfall I didn’t feel like standing outside all night getting drenched. To top it off, the low-pressure fronts made my eyes puffy, and I felt sleepy all day long. It was harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. All I wanted was to take the day off, and the internal battle I had to wage to get myself out the door became exhausting. Why is it that even though the spirit may be willing, the body falters? Today I got up even later than usual and sat at the table listening to the rain. My mother had already fixed my sister’s breakfast and seen her off to work. She’d retreated to her own bedroom and the house was perfectly still. I poured some water from the electric kettle and made myself a cup of instant coffee. Then, instead of eating breakfast, I crunched on a gymnema tablet. The waist-band of my navy-blue skirt was now so loose, the skirt spun around on my hips. I was trimmer now than ever. The lighter I grew, the happier I felt. At this rate I was just going to melt away into thin air. I was ecstatic. The weather might be oppressive, but I was in a jubilant mood.

The rain had begun to come down in torrents. The flowers in the garden that Mother was so proud of had been flattened: hydrangea, azaleas, roses, little flowering grasses. They were all bent down. I turned to the garden and cursed the stupid plants. As soon as the rains let up they’d bounce right back, perkier than ever from all the moisture. The little bastards! I despised my mother’s precious garden.

I looked out at the sky. No doubt business would be hopeless tonight as well. I’d only been able to work one week during the whole month of June and barely managed to pull in ¥48,000. I’d had four customers, including Yoshizaki and some drunk. I squeezed ¥30,000 out of Yoshi-zaki and the drunk gave me ¥10,000. Then I had two homeless guys. The first was the man I’d done before in the empty lot, but the other was a newcomer. I did them both outside under a rain-laced sky. It had gotten to the point where men would pay me to watch me pee out in the lot. Nothing fazed me anymore. But as a consequence I was finding it harder and harder to concentrate at work; I was always so tired. I just sat at my desk and clipped newspaper articles, and I didn’t even care which articles I clipped. Sometimes I amused myself by clipping out sections of the television listings. My boss would glare at me out of the side of his eyes, but he never said a word. The other people in the office looked at me and huddled together in whispers, but I didn’t care. Let them talk. I was strong.

I opened the morning edition of the newspaper, and after I scanned the weather report I thumbed through the society page. My eyes were caught by the crumbs of toast my sister had left behind in the paper—she’d gotten to it before me. She must have stopped to read this page. The headline read: woman’s body discovered in apartment. The victim’s name was Yuriko Hirata. Yuriko! It occurred to me that I hadn’t seen her recently. So you’ve gone and gotten yourself killed. It was just as you predicted, wasn’t it? Congratulations. As I spoke these words in my heart, I heard the sound of laughter. Who was it? I wondered, as I looked around.

Yuriko’s spirit was hovering between the grimy ceiling and the cluttered dining table; she was looking at me. Only the upper half of her body was visible in the blue-white glow of the fluorescent light. Her face was no longer the fat, ugly face that I had seen recently. She’d returned to the luminous beauty of her youth. I spoke to her.

“It happened just the way you wanted it to, didn’t it?”

Yuriko smiled, flashing her brilliantly white teeth. “Thanks. I’ve gone ahead and died before you. What will you do now, Kazue?”

“Business as usual. I still have money to make.”

“Quit while you can.” Yuriko laughed. “You’ll never make enough to be satisfied. Besides, sooner or later the man who killed me will kill you too.”

“Who?”

“Zhang.”

Yuriko’s answer was unmistakable. But how’d she come to know Zhang? I began to work it out in my mind. Yuriko must have drawn him to her; Yuriko’s a monster; Zhang likes monsters; one thing led to another. But if that’s the way it went, was Zhang really going to kill me too?

The other day when I threw myself at him, he held me, didn’t he? I wanted Zhang to be good to me. I wanted him to hold me. Yuriko raised a slender index finger in front of her face and waved it back and forth vigorously.

“No, no, no, Kazue. Mustn’t entertain any desires of your own. No one’s going to be good to you. They don’t even want to have to pay you. Old whores like us, you know, all we’re good for is making men face the truth. That’s why they hate us.”

“Face the truth?” Before I was even aware of what I was doing I had brought my hand to my chin and tilted my head to the side.

“Oh for heaven’s sake, Kazue, are you still trying to pull that cute-girl stunt? Give up already. It’s hopeless. You just don’t get it, do you?”

“I do too. I do get it. I get the fact that I’m thinner and prettier than ever.”

“Who was it gave you that bad advice?”

What was she talking about? Then I remembered that it came from someone. Was it back in high school? Yuriko’s older sister?

“It was your older sister.”

“And you believe something someone told you so long ago?” Yuriko sighed. “Kazue, you really are gullible! You’ve got to be the most credulous person I know.”

“Whatever. Yuriko, look. Tell me what you meant about facing the truth.”

“That it’s all empty. A big fat nothing.”

“Am I a big fat nothing?”

As soon as I asked I caught myself wrapping my arms around myself. I’m nothing! Empty. When did I disappear? All that was left of me was just a suit of clothes—the clothes that belonged to a graduate of Q University, an employee of G Architecture and Engineering. There was nothing inside. Then again, what is it that’s inside, anyway?

When I came to my senses I had spilled coffee all over the open page of the paper. I quickly dabbed at the table with a cloth. The paper had turned completely brown.

“Kazue, what’s wrong?”

I looked back to see my mother standing in the door to the living room. Her tiny makeup-free face was twisted in fear.

“You were talking just now. I heard your voice and I thought you were talking to someone.”

“I was talking to someone. I was talking to this person here.”

I pointed to the newspaper. But the article had become so stained with coffee, it was difficult to read it anymore. Mother didn’t say anything, just pressed her hand to her mouth in an effort to suppress a shriek. I didn’t pay her any attention but yanked my shoulder bag off the chair.

“I’ve got to make a phone call!” I shouted.

As I pulled my date book out of my bag, a snot-encrusted wad of tissue flew out, along with a dirty handkerchief. They both landed beside me on the floor. Mother stared at them angrily, but I just shooed her away.

“What’re you looking at? Get out of here.”

“You’re going to be late for work.”

“It’s no big deal if I’m just a little late. The office manager was a whole hour late the other day. And the day before that, one of the secretaries was late. Everyone does it, so why shouldn’t I? Why do I always have to be the one who’s so serious about my job? I’ve been slaving away all this time to keep you in this house. You’re damn right I’m tired of it!”

“Kazue, dear, are you doing what you do because of me? Is that it?”

My mother was mumbling. Lines of worry creased her face as she peered at me.

“It’s got nothing to do with you! I work because I’m a dutiful daughter.”

“Yes, you are.” My mother’s stammer was nearly inaudible. She didn’t seem to want to leave, but she finally went back to her room with a sour face. I flipped through my date book, looking for the address section. Yuriko’s older sister. It had been over ten years since I’d had any contact with her, but suddenly I felt I couldn’t settle down until I heard her voice. As I slowly dialed her number, I tried to figure out what it was I needed so desperately to confirm. I was absolutely baffled.

“Hello. Hello? Who is it?”

The voice on the other end of the line was sickeningly gloomy, cautious. I stated my business directly without bothering with any small talk.

“It’s me. Kazue Sat. Hey, I read Yuriko-chan’s been murdered.”

“That’s right.”

Her voice gave a hint of depression, but at the same time reverberated with a kind of calm.

Yuriko’s older sister started to make some weird sound on the other end of the phone. It was low and constant like the idling of a motorcycle. She was laughing. Hers was the laughter of one relishing a sense of relief, a laughter that revealed the joy she felt over finally being free of Yuriko. I felt the same way. To me she’d been my senior in the night trade, and she’d come out of nowhere to encroach on my turf: the former high school beauty. So I suppose we both felt that we’d somehow been set free. And then, at the same time, there was something that bound us to her.

“What’s so funny?” Yuriko’s sister demanded.

“Nothing.”

I wasn’t even laughing. Why’d she ask something like that? Yuriko’s sister was crazy. So I returned the question.

“Well, I suppose you’re sad, aren’t you?”

“Not really.”

“Oh, that’s right, you and Yuriko-chan weren’t particularly close, as I recall. It was as if you two weren’t even related. Others might not have realized you were sisters, but I picked up on it right away.”

Yuriko’s sister interrupted me. “Enough about that. What are you doing these days?”

“Guess.” I threw my shoulders back defiantly.

“I heard you’d gotten a job with an engineering firm.”

“Would you be surprised if I told you Yuriko-chan and I were in the same line of work?”

It was silent at the other end. Yuriko’s older sister must have been thinking it over. I knew she was jealous of me. She was a woman who longed to be like Yuriko but couldn’t imitate her if her life depended on it. But I was different.

“Well, I intend to be careful!”

That shut her up! I hung up hastily. But really, what had Yuriko’s older sister and I been freed from? From living? Maybe I wanted to be killed the same way Yuriko did. Because I was also a monster. And I was tired of living.

By evening the rains still had not relented. I opened my folding umbrella, dashed out into the downpour, and Station, hoping to run into Zhang. I stood in front of his apartment building and looked up at his unit, but it was pitch-black. No one had returned yet. Just when I thought I’d give up and go home, I caught s

ight of Chen-yi walking in my direction. He was wearing a thin white running shirt and shorts with beach sandals, even though the rain had cooled things off. I drew up alongside him.

“Good evening.”

When Chen-yi noticed me he stopped walking. The eyes behind his glasses darted wildly, as if he were being forced to behold something distasteful.

“I need to see Zhang, and I was wondering if he was home.”

“Zhang is probably not in. He changed jobs so he’s gone both day and night. I don’t know when he’ll come back.”

“May I wait for him in his room?”

“No. You can’t do that.” Chen-yi shook his head aggressively. “We have others staying here. It won’t do.”

He acted as if he was ashamed of having had sex with me in front of everyone else.

“Well, can I see for myself?”

I started to head up the stairs, but Chen-yi grabbed me roughly and made me stop.

“I’ll go see if he’s in or not. You wait here.”

“If he’s in, tell him that I’ll be waiting for him on the roof.”

Chen-yi regarded me with suspicion as I headed toward the stairs, but I didn’t care. The trash that littered the staircase between the fourth floor and the roof had multiplied, as if it were some kind of living organism. The entire staircase was now carpeted with garbage: wastepaper, scraps of English-language newspapers, plastic soda bottles, CD covers, torn sheets, and condoms. I kicked the junk aside with the toes of my wet shoes and made my way up the stairs. I passed the door to Zhang’s apartment and headed on up to the roof. The rain-soaked mattress was stretched across the stairs and stuck out onto the roof like a corpse—the mattress the language teacher had left behind. The mattress where Zhang now sat, his head hanging. Dingy T-shirt, blue jeans. His hair over his ears. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in days. Zhang was no different from the multiplying garbage. I was suddenly reminded of the plants in Mother’s garden, wrecked by the rain. Once the rains stopped, those plants would spring back up.

“What are you doing sitting up here?”

“Ah, it’s you?” Zhang looked up at me in surprise. My eye lit on a gold chain glittering around Zhang’s neck.

“That’s Yuriko’s necklace, isn’t it?”

“What, this?” Zhang touched the necklace as if he’d just remembered it was there. “So, her name was Yuriko?”

“Yes, she was an acquaintance of mine. She always dressed exactly like me.”

“She did, didn’t she, now that you mention it.”

Zhang twisted the chain around his fingers. Rainwater dripped off my umbrella and pooled onto a corner of the mattress like a spreading stain. Zhang didn’t seem to notice.

“You killed Yuriko, didn’t you?”

“That’s right. I killed her because she asked me to. It was the same with my sister. I said my sister fell into the sea and drowned, but that was a lie. I killed her. In the container, on the voyage to Japan, we had sex every night. She was repulsed by the idea of living like a beast and asked me, with tears in her eyes, to kill her. I told her not to worry about our relationship and asked her any number of times to go ahead and live with me like husband and wife, but she wouldn’t do it. So I threw her in the sea. I could see her hands waving from between the swells as she drifted farther and farther from me; it was as if she were bidding me good-bye. She was smiling. She seemed happy to be waving good-bye to her life with me. We borrowed so much money just to make it to Japan. I couldn’t believe how stupid she was. So whenever I meet a woman who says, ‘Kill me,’ I’m only too happy to oblige. If she just can’t deal with her life, I’ll step up to settle things for her. How about you?”

Zhang smiled slightly in the darkness. The wind had grown strong and lashed our faces with rain. I turned aside, trying to avoid the rain, but Zhang just grimaced as he let the rain pelt his face. His forehead glistened with moisture.

“I don’t want to die yet. But I may before too long.”

Zhang grabbed my legs. “You’re so thin! Like a skeleton. I can’t understand why you can’t gain any weight. Do you suppose you’re sick? My sister and that Yuriko woman were both healthy. Why are you the one who’s sick? It’s sad, isn’t it?”

“You think I’m sick? But I don’t want to die.”

“There are people out there who are already on the road to death, and they don’t even know it. And then there are people who are a picture of health but choose to die anyway. Don’t you agree?”

I was suddenly assailed by sorrow. Why was it that when I talked to Zhang I felt so lonely, so sad? I sat down on the filthy, sodden mattress. Zhang grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me to him. He smelled of sweat and dirt, but I didn’t mind.

“Be good to me. Please.”

I burrowed my face in Zhang’s chest, playing with the chain that glittered at his neck.

“All right. And in return, you be good to me.”

We held each other, murmuring over and over, “Be good; please be good to me.”