ily was terrified.

It was the day before her wedding and everything this past week between her and Nate had gone wrong, terribly wrong, completely wrong, cataclysmically, heartwrenchingly wrong.

“Has Nate arranged somewhere else to sleep tonight? It’s bad luck to see the bride on the wedding day,” Maxie said, wearing another flowing, amethyst caftan, this one threaded across the front with matching beads. She was smiling, but cautiously, unaware of the content of Lily’s rampaging thoughts but knowing they were there.

“Yes,” Lily answered quietly, averting her eyes but feeling both Maxie and Laura’s on her.

“Lily?” Laura asked carefully.

Lily jumped up from the couch in the front sitting room and started pacing, having no idea her habitual practice of pacing when she was anxious was speaking more than a million words, and not that she was having the usual pre-marital jitters, but something far more dire.

“Nate’s made arrangements,” Lily announced. “I’ve insisted he take Tash with him. They’ll meet us tomorrow at the Registry Office in Bath.”

“Tash is going with Nate?” Maxie asked slowly.

“Yes, I think it’ll be good for them to have this time alone together. Though Fazire is also going with them,” she contradicted herself and then remembered Victor’s announcement upon news that Nate was staying elsewhere that he’d accompany him as well. “And, as you know, Victor is going to be with them too so, really, Tash won’t be alone with Nate, as such.” Now she was both rambling and making little sense.

Maxie and Laura looked at each other.

“Fazire. Why?” Laura asked.

Lily didn’t respond. She wasn’t going to tell Laura that she didn’t need Fazire right now. She could barely cope with Maxie and Laura’s gentle concern. Fazire was chomping at the bit to speak to her. He’d been waiting for his moment for a week, finding Lily closing him down at every turn. Lily knew his patience, what little there was of it, was running out.

But Lily had made up her mind, she was going through with this and she didn’t want Fazire to talk her out of it.

It had been over a week since she gave Nate the motorcycle. Lily had been so certain she’d made headway that day with the way he’d reacted to her saving money for Tash’s school and the violent, stormy, uncontrolled way he’d made love to her after she’d told him she loved him. Then he had given in and let her buy him the bike without paying her back.

She’d been so certain she was melting his heart.

She’d been so certain she’d torn holes in his armour.

However, the next morning, everything changed.

Drastically.

He’d kept his normal routine, waking Tash, having breakfast with them but he was removed, more removed than his usual, he was entirely removed. Lily felt it, she saw it and it sliced through her.

Before leaving, he’d picked up Tash for their daily, Tash-wrapped-around-Nate-smack-on-the-lips good-bye, giving their daughter a warm smile. Then, unusually, he’d given Lily only a peck on the cheek. Even that, Lily had the uncomfortable feeling, was done for Tash’s benefit.

Nate had come home later than was his norm (Lily had been noticing he’d been coming home earlier and earlier each night). He’d read to Tash but then went directly to his study without a word to Lily.

Lily had decided to give him space; she’d gained ground and didn’t want to push it. She went so far as to go to bed without saying goodnight. She had made it her practice to visit him in his study for a goodnight kiss if he was working late, something she knew or thought they both enjoyed.

Nate had come up much later than usual but she had been awake, lying in the dark waiting for him. He didn’t turn to her, he didn’t make love to her, he didn’t pull her back into his front and burrow his face in her hair. Instead, he turned his back to her and went to sleep, just… like… that.

Throughout the weekend, Nate worked in his study all day each day and well into the night. He even avoided Victor and Laura although he welcomed Tash sitting and watching television in his study. He didn’t make love to Lily or pull her to him when he eventually sought their bed.

Victor, Laura and Fazire were casting strange, knowing glances amongst themselves but Lily knew better than to ask. Though she had to admit she found it peculiar that Fazire was participating in this behaviour, especially with Victor. Fazire had warmed a bit to Nate but never to Victor.

When the quiet and now openly concerned Victor and Laura left Sunday afternoon, Lily gave Nate his head until he left Tash’s room after she’d read herself to sleep and he headed straight to his study.

Lily followed him, knocked on the closed door and entered at his word. He barely glanced at her when she walked in and she felt her blood run cold.

“Nate?”

“What is it, Lily?” he asked, not lifting his eyes to hers after his first brief glance, his question sounding as if he didn’t much care about her answer and her cold blood slowed as ice crystals formed.

“Is something the matter?” Her voice was timid and unsure and his head came up at the sound of it. She felt a flicker of hope at the warm look she thought she caught in his eyes but then he shuttered them.

“I’m busy, Lily. We’re getting married next Saturday and then away for two weeks on honeymoon. I’ve a tremendous amount to do.”

This seemed plausible and Lily gave him a relieved but weak smile and walked to the side of his desk and stopped, wanting to touch him but for the first time in a long time, afraid.

“Can I do something to help?” she asked softly.

At this, for some reason, he laughed without humour, the sharp bark of it was harsh and it grated against her already frayed nerves.

“You could leave me to it,” he suggested when he was done with his anti-amusement, his eyes on her and they were hard and blank, telling her clearly she was an unwelcome distraction.

Lily remembered that look. She had seen that look. He’d levelled it on Danielle on numerous occasions.

Her heart stuttered in her chest but she nodded and slowly moved away. Very slowly. Snail’s pace slowly. Moving slowly while hoping he’d call her back for a kiss, a touch, something, anything.

He did not.

He also did not turn to her when he finally came to their bed.

He was gone before she awoke, he didn’t wake Tash but he did leave a short, unaffectionate note for Lily (and a longer, very affectionate note for Tash) saying he left early for the office.

That afternoon, sitting behind the register in a quiet moment at Flash and Dazzle, she’d phoned him at the office.

He’d said he’d never miss another one of her calls and he hadn’t. She expected her calls came at times when he was busy but he always took them as, she now knew, he always took Tash’s calls when she phoned him when she got home from school.

“Mr. McAllister’s office,” Nate’s secretary Jennifer answered.

“Hi Jennifer, it’s Lily. Can I speak to Nate?”

Jennifer was quiet for a moment and Lily felt the now familiar stutter in her heart. These past weeks, Lily had chatted to Jennifer and although they’d never met, they’d built a rapport.

This time, however, Jennifer didn’t invite even a short chat, instead, she said softly, “I’m sorry, Lily. Mr. McAllister said he was not to be disturbed under any circumstances.”

Lily swallowed and nodded even though Jennifer couldn’t see her.

“That’s okay,” Lily replied, trying to do it brightly and fearing she failed. “Can you tell him I phoned?”

“Definitely,” Jennifer assured her.

When Lily got home from Flash and Dazzle, she found that Nate’s edict of not being disturbed didn’t apply to Tash who was, as ever, awash with news of her telephone conversation with her father. Although this wasn’t news from Nate, as Lily suspected Nate couldn’t get a word in edgewise and wouldn’t try anyway. It was more Tash’s news said in the form of, “I told Daddy…” and, “Then, when I described it, Daddy laughed.”

Instead of Nate taking Tash’s calls and laughing with her making Lily feel content, it made her fear and alarm turn to anger which she nursed quietly under Fazire’s watchful glare all night.

Nate didn’t make it home for Tash to read to him, nor did he call to say he’d be detained.

Lily monitored her daughter closely to see if her very astute senses were noticing anything different between her mother and father. However, Nate was shielding Tash from this and treating her exactly the same even while his behaviour to Lily was significantly different.

As Lily shut down the house for the night, Nate still not home, Fazire approached her in the hall.

“Lily-child –” he started gently, his eyes soft on her.

“No, Fazire,” she held up her hand as if to ward him off, “not now.”

Then before he could press as Fazire was wont to do, she’d run up the stairs. She got ready for bed but didn’t get in it, instead she paced. And she waited. And her mind tumbled over its thoughts, none of them good.

Very late, she heard Nate enter the house but he didn’t come up and, as minutes ticked by, she went in search of him.

She found him in their back garden, now lushly appointed with planters, pots and beds brimming with flowers and greenery, all of this well-tended by a weekly gardener. She was stunned to see him standing at the balustrade by the cliff looking toward the Victorian pier, smoking a cigarette. Not since their night on Laura and Victor’s stoop had she seen him smoke a cigarette or even smelled it on him.

She stood just outside the new French doors to the garden and called, “Nate?”

His body jerked and his head snapped around to look at her through the darkness. She was just as stunned that she’d surprised him. He was always alert to anything but most specifically her. Sometimes she felt he knew she was approaching a room even before she’d cleared the door.

She couldn’t imagine what had him so lost in thought but she wanted to know, needed to know and damned well was going to know.

She walked across the garden and stopped in front of him.

“You’re smoking.” Her voice was a soft accusation.

“Yes, Lily, I’m smoking. And you’re standing in the garden wearing your pyjamas,” he replied as if her transgression was as bad as his.

“When did you start smoking?” she ignored his comment.

“When I was nine,” he responded immediately, nonchalantly sharing a piece of his history with her like he did it every day and this information hit her like a blow.

Dear God, who started smoking when they were nine? She thought but he didn’t allow her to respond, he went on.

“Get back into the house.”

She blinked, momentarily thrown by his harshly voiced command coming so quickly after he’d shared something personal about himself, something she hadn’t had to wheedle out of him. Determined to get to the bottom of what was bothering him, she decided to ignore it.

“We need to talk. Something’s –”

“Lily, get back into the fucking house. No woman should stand outside barely clothed, especially not you. You’re the mother of my child, for God’s sake. This is a terraced house, the neighbours can see you.”

She had to shake her head trying to clear away his words, his tone, his meaning.

“Nate, it’s nearly midnight, no one –”

“Get back into the fucking house,” he snarled savagely, losing patience and leaning into her so menacingly, she couldn’t help but take a step back.

She hesitated, her heart stuttering again.

Then she squared her shoulders, determined to have it out even if it was midnight and she was in her pyjamas. Yes, they were pyjamas and yes, there wasn’t much to them but she wouldn’t describe herself as “barely clothed” for goodness sake.

“Don’t speak to me that way,” she snapped. “We have to talk. Something’s wrong with you and I want to know what it is.”

Without answering, he turned away from her and resumed his contemplation of the pier.

At this action, she tried a different tactic.

She stepped into his line of sight and put her hand on his arm.

“Nate,” she said in a gentler tone, “please talk to me.”

He looked down at her like he had when he was standing in his parent’s foyer and Victor was shaking her, like when they were in the conference room that awful day talking about Natasha’s custody, as if she was a not very interesting bug he was watching crawl across the pavement.

Pulling all her courage to her like a shield, she threw pride into the wind and leaned into him, putting her arms around him even though nothing about him was inviting her actions.

“Talk to me,” she urged, all her love for him in her words.

He didn’t touch her. Instead, he calmly flicked his cigarette over the cliff as if she was a mile away instead of holding him in her arms.

“Nate!” she cried, beginning to panic. “Talk to me.”

That’s when he touched her. His fingers went into the hair on either side of her head and held her there while his mouth slammed down on hers in the first kiss he’d given her in days.

It was not a loving kiss, it was hard, insistent, greedy, taking everything while giving nothing in return.

She was too happy he was touching her, kissing her, to let it register. She simply opened her mouth under his and gave him everything as she’d always done.

Lily heard his groan and was thrilled by it, but inexplicably he tore his mouth from hers. Then she was being lifted, carried, not to their room but downstairs to the family room. All the while he kissed her in that awful way, his mouth then moving to her neck, shoulders, behind her ear, his teeth sinking into her flesh in a dangerous, erotic way.

He kicked the door to the family room shut behind them and threw her on couch, following her down. He pulled off her clothes, tore off his own, his actions not gentle, nor were his mouth and his hands on her naked body and it finally slid into her consciousness that he was not the same. This wasn’t violent, stormy passion. This was selfish and devouring.

“Nate –” she whispered, trying to slow him, trying to reach him.

“Shut up, Lily,” he growled against her mouth and on those ugly words, he changed.

Instead of taking, he was giving but not in his usual way. It was like he was driven to force a response from her, to bend her body to his will and, damn it all, she loved him too much to deny him. She gave then she gave more then even more.

And he took it, all of it, everything.

Until she was there, waiting, needing him to come inside, her heart pounding, her breath coming in gasps, her body on fire for him.

“Nate –” she whispered again urgently, using her hands at his hips to try to bring him to her but he pulled away.

Her eyes opened and looked into his and she felt her heart rip apart at what she saw.

His were blank but his hand between her legs moved enticingly and her hips, of their own volition, pressed against him.

“Beg,” he demanded, his voice rough and sharp.

Lily stared then blinked, thinking for a moment she hadn’t heard him correctly.

“Wh… what?”

“You want me, Lily?” he asked, then his head descended and his mouth moved along her cheek to her ear.

As he did this, she nodded.

“You want me then beg,” he said into her ear.

She felt her chest seize as emotion filled it even as he manipulated her with his hand and her body betrayed her.

“Nate –”

“I want to hear you say it. Say, ‘Please, Nate, fuck me’.”

At his shocking demand, a demand so not Nate it was frightening, the tears crawled up her throat and his mouth moved from her ear to her breast, sucking in her nipple sharply, sending waves of pleasure through her. Then he rolled his tongue around it as his thumb simultaneously rolled at the core of her, knowing, from what was now months of experience, she loved this, responded to it, it made her soar.

This time, she fought it.

“Please don’t do this,” she pleaded and he came back over her.

“You want to know my secrets?” he asked and her head jerked. She wasn’t keeping up with his lightning-quick changes of mood, his shifting of topics, his shocking behaviour.

His hand was still working at her and she was close to climax, could feel it coming. She closed her eyes, arched her neck, wanting it to come so this would all be over and, hopefully, they could talk. Then his hand went away.

Her eyes snapped open and her chin jerked down to look at him.

“Do you want to know my secrets?” he repeated.

“No!” she cried, louder than she should in a house harbouring sleeping people, one of them their daughter.

His mouth silenced her and she struggled but his hand came back, tormenting her and her body swiftly descended into need even as she continued to fight it.

With supreme effort, she tore her mouth free. “Stop Nate.”

His thumb swirled and she couldn’t help herself, it felt so good, she moaned low in her throat.

“You don’t want me to stop,” he taunted cruelly at her moan. “As ever, you’re gagging for it.”

She bit her lip and knew he was right and she hated herself for it. She couldn’t stop her hips from pressing against his hand, her hands from roaming his back even as her eyes caught his in the darkness. She could see them burning into her, not with love or with passion but with ruthless determination to have exactly what he wanted.

“These are my secrets, Lily. This is who I am.”

She shook her head fiercely. She wouldn’t believe it, couldn’t.

“I know who you are. I wished for –”

“Beg,” Nate interrupted her words with his demand.

She shook her head again.

Then he smiled, a terrible smile that captivated her even as it repulsed her. Then he made her beg. With brute strength and merciless skill, he brought her to the edge of climax and took her away, time and again, until she could bear it no more and she felt, if she didn’t have release, her body would shatter.

Holding him tight, wrapping her arms around his back, her legs around his hips and bringing her lips to his, she whispered, humiliation warring with desire and losing, “Please, Nate, please fuck me.”

And he did.

It was hard, it was fast, it was rough and there was no love in it and she climaxed so magnificently, she felt for a moment she had shattered, gloriously. And after she didn’t hate herself for it, she detestedherself, her weakness and part of that was because she felt, disloyally, like she detested him. Nate. Her wish. Her dream man. Her everything.

Immediately after he was done, he knifed away from her without regard for her sensitive body, put on his clothes and, looking down at her, he said, “I’m going to London. I’ll be back Friday.”

Then he was gone.

And Lily lay naked and exposed, staring into the darkness, into the space where he’d been, trying to still her mind then trying to catch a thought and failing at both. Finally, she wrapped a blanket around her body, curled up into a little ball and she cried.

Then she slept. Then she waited. And she tried to hope.

On Wednesday, she called his mobile. She knew he was talking to Tash, still shielding their daughter from whatever-it-was that was falling apart between them. But he didn’t contact Lily. She phoned his mobile in the morning not wishing to go through another humiliating episode with Jennifer. He did not answer. Then she rang him mid-morning, then the afternoon.

Still no answer and she felt hope quickly dying as he missed call after call that he promised he’d never miss.

Then she left the shop early and made certain she was home when Tash got home from school so she could latch onto the phone when Tash was done speaking to her father.

“Mummy wants to talk to you,” Tash said on a giggle as she watched Lily pacing in the kitchen, Fazire’s assessing eyes on her, regarding her from his seat at the table.

Lily nearly snatched the phone out of her daughter’s hand when Tash offered it to her.

Lily had been thinking about it, trying to find a reason for his abrupt change to such hostile behaviour and she’d convinced herself that she’d pushed too hard, got too close, made a mess of things by trying to break through and she was ready for retreat. Even having Nate removed was better than this.

“Nate, I –”

“Lily, I don’t have time for this now,” he interrupted her before she got started, “call me later.”

Then, without another word or waiting for her to respond, he hung up.

She stared at the phone finding it difficult to breathe, her heart stuttering so much she felt like it would come to a halt. Then she looked at Tash who had been grinning at her but her grin faded as Lily put the phone on the receiver.

“Didn’t Daddy –” Tash started.

“Daddy’s really busy, doll baby. Getting ready for our honeymoon,” Lily explained quietly, not believing a word she said but hoping that Tash would.

Luckily, her daughter bought her lie, her grin came back with a vengeance and she skipped out of the room.

“Lily-child,” Fazire spoke and started to float and Lily knew what that meant and she was having none of it.

Lily shook her head and when she heard Tash cooing to Mrs. Gunderson somewhere in the house, she said one word to Fazire, knowing he’d know what she meant, “Tash.”

Then she ran, ran out the front door, ran down the street, ran passed the pier, along the seafront path, straight to the bandstand and stopped. She stopped her feet, her heart and her thoughts and she started walking, fast, breathing heavily, making her body work hard so her mind wouldn’t. She walked until she felt she would drop then she turned toward home.

Later that night, when Fazire and Tash were both asleep, she tried Nate again.

He answered his mobile and in the background she heard what sounded like a busy club or restaurant.

“What is it Lily?” he asked instead of greeting her, obviously seeing her name displayed before answering his phone.

“I just wanted to say –” she began tentatively, not sure what she wanted to say but needing to say it all the same.

Then she heard, in a purring, female voice that was very close to the phone, “Nate, our table’s ready.”

Nate didn’t even try to cover the mouthpiece when he responded, “In a minute, Georgia.”

Lily’s legs buckled from under her and powerless to stop herself, she dropped and sat on the bed. It felt like it took a year for her to turn her head and look at the clock on the bedside table.

It was passed ten at night and Nate was out with Georgia, his old girlfriend, a woman Jeffrey had thought he was ready to marry. He was away from Lily the week before their wedding, in London, out on the town with another woman.

“Lily.” She heard her name sound in her ear as if from far away but she had herself together enough to note that Nate’s voice sounded impatient.

“It –” she cleared her throat, her body numb, her mind blank and she had no idea her voice betrayed exactly how broken she felt, “it’s nothing, Nate. Enjoy yourself.”

Then she’d pressed the button to hang up even as she heard him start to say her name again.

Her mobile rang in her hand almost immediately but she opened and closed it, disconnecting Nate without a word. Then she turned it off. The house phone rang and she picked it up out of its bed, hit the button for on then hit the button for off and then on again, listening to the insistent ring tone until it grew urgent and even longer and then it was silenced. Then she rolled on her side in the bed, pulled the pillow over her head and again, keeping her thoughts at bay with an extreme effort of will, she cried herself to sleep which was, she was realising, the only way she could get to sleep.

The following morning at the store, Maxie cornered her.

“What on earth is going on?”

It took effort but Lily lifted her eyes to Maxine’s. “Nothing,” she lied through her teeth. “Why do you ask?”

“Why do I… why…?” Maxie spluttered. “You’re marrying your dream man in two days and you look like hell. I’m sorry to say it but you do. You look pale, your eyes are all puffy. You should know, Fazire called me –”

“Don’t listen to Fazire. He doesn’t know what’s going on,” Lily broke in.

“Do you know what’s going on?” Maxie flashed back.

Lily responded automatically, “Nate’s an important man, a lot of people depend on him. He hasn’t had a holiday…” Lily stopped.

She had no idea when he’d last had a holiday. She had no idea about a lot of things about Nate.

What she did know was that he was guarded. What she did know was that he had secrets. What she did know was that, eight years ago he demanded that she move in and then promised her the world. Two weeks later, when she needed him the most, he broke all his promises and let her go. Now, eight years later, the same thing happened with slight differences. And, two months later…

What?

He’d warned her, she knew. He’d kept himself removed. He’d kept his distance. He’d planned for a time when she wouldn’t be in his life, nearly told her there would be a time but, besotted fool that she was, believing in genies and dreams and wishes, she hadn’t listened.

For the first time in years, she felt her confidence lying about her in tatters. She felt that she hadn’t lived up to whatever promise Nate had seen in her when he got her back. That this brilliant, rich, sophisticated, impossibly handsome man could never find what he needed in her.

Never.

“Just, please, Maxie. Let’s not talk about this. I’m getting a headache,” Lily finished on another lie something she was doing with alarming frequency these days.

Maxine bustled up close and looked Lily in the eyes. “Don’t give me that headache business, I know something’s not right and –”

Before she could finish, Lily’s mobile rang. It was sitting, face-up on the counter and both Maxie and Lily’s eyes swung to it.

The display said, “Nate Calling.”

Both Lily and Maxie reached for it. Luckily Lily got to it first for she knew Maxie, in her current mood, would probably make hideous matters far, far worse.

Lily hopped off her stool and swiftly rounded the counter, flipping open her phone and putting it to her ear.

“Nate?” she answered.

“Don’t you ever fucking hang up on me again and turn off the phones.”

Lily halted dead in her getaway from Maxie as Nate’s furious words hit her ear, his rage vibrating through her body like a lethal current.

He was the one who was out with an ex-girlfriend. He was the one who humiliated her on her own family room couch or, more to the point his, he’d bought it, but still, it was in her house and she hadn’t had the old one carted away. He was the one who was sneaking cigarettes in the garden at midnight. He was the one who wasn’t speaking to her. He was the one who was tearing her heart to shreds.

Lily could take it no more, she snapped.

“How dare you!” she shouted into the phone.

“You have my daughter in that house and if something happened, I couldn’t get through. You kept her from me for seven years, Lily. Don’t you ever play that fucking game again.”

Lily’s body went rock solid and she fired back, “I cannot believe you just said that to me.”

He ignored her. “I’ll be home tonight.”

“Don’t bother,” Lily retorted acidly.

“I’ll be home tonight,” he repeated then he hung up on her.

Lily stood with the phone to her ear, anger, humiliation and pain coursing through her so strongly, it took long moments before she realised Maxine was standing right in front of her.

When Lily’s eyes focussed on her, Maxine looked no longer angry and determined to get to the heart of the matter, Maxine looked scared.

“What just happened, sweetling?” she asked, her voice soft, gentle, coaxing.

At her friend’s tone, the fight slid out of Lily and her vision dissolved as tears flooded her eyes. Maxine’s arms went around her, holding her tight.

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “I don’t know.” Then she repeated it again, then again.

“Hush, sweetling. Hush,” Maxine murmured and stroked her hair.

When Lily pulled herself together, Maxine gave her a lilac, lace-edged handkerchief to dry her eyes and let the matter drop but the frightened look never left her face.

By the time Lily got home, terrified that Nate would already be there, her lie about the headache had come true. It wasn’t a migraine but it was close.

Fazire, she noticed immediately, was blustering and ready to blow but he took one look at her and, as he’d done countless times before, he ushered her to her room. He got her a cool drink, some tablets, ran her bath and then kept Natasha occupied so she wouldn’t miss her mother while Lily battled the pain.

Lily took the pain killers, took her bath, closed the curtains and went to bed with a cool flannel at her brow, fighting against the headache until the medicine worked and she finally found sleep.

“Lily?” It was Nate’s voice, gentle, questioning and she thought for a moment she was dreaming.

Then she opened her eyes and saw his muscular thigh on the bed. Of course Nate noticed immediately she was awake, even though she’d closed her eyes nearly as quickly as she’d opened them.

“Fazire says you have a headache.” Nate’s voice was so soft, he was talking in a way that it seemed he thought his words were alive and could cause her harm.

“I’m fine.” Lily kept her eyes closed and her voice neutral.

“Is it a migraine?” Nate asked and she felt his fingers tucking her hair behind her ear.

Lily squeezed her eyes tight at his soft, sweet, familiar touch and the pain shot back into her temple so she was forced to train her body to relax.

She couldn’t keep up with him and she didn’t have the strength to try. She suspected that even though he’d lost interest in her, he didn’t want the mother of his child’s brain to explode.

“I’m fine, Nate. It’s not a migraine.” She lifted her hand to the flannel, threw it aside and turned so her back was to him, all this she did without looking at him. “Go to Tash. She misses you.”

“Can I get you anything?” He’d not been deterred by her turning her back to him, now he was stroking her from neck to waist, pushing the covers out of the way to do so. She wanted to move into his hand, wanted it so much she could taste it in her mouth, feel it in every pore of her skin. Instead, she steeled herself against it.

“No. Like I said, I’m fine.”

“Lily –”

“Go away, Nate.” She wanted to sound exasperated but instead she sounded something else and even to her own ears, she was pretty certain she sounded defeated.

He didn’t go and he also didn’t say anything more. What he did was shift on the bed so he could sit and stroke her back. She held her body tense. Feeling the tears in her throat, she swallowed them down. She was no match for his attention (this was Nate) and slowly, her body relaxed, and, finally, she fell back to sleep.

When she woke again, it was the dead of night. Nate’s front was pressed to her back, his arm was wrapped tight around her and he’d buried his face in her hair.

Lily laid there a second, allowing herself, for one last time, to pretend.

Then she pulled away, got up and quietly exited the room. After missing dinner, she found she was hungry and made herself a sandwich. Then she went to the family room, turned on the TV and ate. She didn’t watch the TV, however. Her mind was on other things. It was on her beautiful house, her beautiful appliances and furniture, her beautiful new car, her bank account filled with more money than she could ever spend.

Nate had done an excellent job. She could live without him and, in doing so, give their daughter a beautiful home, drive her around in an expensive car and make certain she had everything her little heart desired.

He hadn’t been angry that, in her turning off the phones, he couldn’t get through to her if something had happened.

It had all been for Tash, she realised, pain and bitterness searing through her.

All of it.

In fact, she wouldn’t be surprised if he had told Danielle to tell her he was dead all those years ago, tired of the naïve, clinging farm girl and ready to cut her loose. She’d probably been an interesting diversion, an inexperienced virgin. Men liked that. But once he’d got what he wanted, the interesting part obviously became not so interesting.

But finding that he had a child and also finding that Lily was going to put up a fight, a fight that it would be difficult for him to win (considering what she now convinced herself was his behaviour, his lies, his deceit, just like his brother and sister), he went about winning it another way.

And he enjoyed the spoils of victory in the meantime.

But when she’d told him she loved him, that was something he didn’t need, didn’t want and immediately and remorselessly, he threw it away.

Now that she knew her place, now that he’d made it blatantly clear with that debacle in the very room she was lounging in at that moment, he knew he had her where he wanted her. He’d hold her in the night, take from her when he wanted and leave her when he didn’t.

She was still nothing but a naïve, Indiana farm girl and not for the likes of him except for the tedious fact that she was the mother of his child.

Understanding this made it easier, she told herself (but she didn’t really believe herself). She knew where she stood. She knew why he wouldn’t give her what she needed, why he wouldn’t give her anything of himself.

Because it wasn’t hers to have.

Maybe, she hoped, one day he’d give it to Tash.

On this thought, she fell asleep on the couch only to be woken what seemed like minutes late, because she was being lifted in the air.

Automatically, her hands moved around Nate’s shoulders.

“What…?” she began, vaguely noticing he’d turned off the television and the light.

“You sleep with me.” Nate’s voice was back to harsh, gone was the softness he’d shown her when she had the headache.

“I don’t think –” she started again as he cleared the room and headed for the stairs. She tried to push out of his arms but they went tight as steel bands.

“You sleep with me,” he repeated, again roughly and in a tone that would accept no denial.

“Let me down,” Lily demanded and he did, on the ground level landing but he took her hand and dragged her up the next two flights of stairs. As they were close to Fazire and Tash’s rooms, Lily didn’t make a peep and didn’t pull away.

Once they were in their room, he closed the door and dragged her straight to bed where he brought them both to a halt.

“I don’t understand why you –” Lily turned to him but he interrupted her again.

“What will Tash think if she sees you sleeping on the couch?” Nate snapped.

It felt like he’d punched her in the stomach and at the same time, her heart shattered.

“Of course,” she murmured, “Tash.”

It was all for Tash. Looking back at the last two months, she knew that everything he did was for Tash. A mother and father, living together, for Tash.

She made her decision. Surprisingly this time it wasn’t difficult.

She yanked her hand from his and crawled into bed on his side where he’d stopped them, making her way to her own and settling, her back to him.

He joined her in bed, flicked the covers over them and hooked her about the waist, dragging her across the bed and into the warmth of his body.

She tried to pull away but in her ear, he hissed, “Lie still.”

“Tash doesn’t care how we sleep, Nate,” Lily snapped back, her tone bitter. She gave an almighty pull and slid away. Then she waited, tense, for him to pull her back.

He didn’t.

She didn’t fall asleep but she heard (she thought, but she was wrong) when he did. Then, hours later, when it was time, she got up, took her clothes, her makeup and everything she needed and locked herself in the bathroom and didn’t come out until she was ready to face the day and to face Nate.

When she opened the bathroom door, it was Nate who was pacing. He was wearing dark blue pyjama bottoms, what he’d been wearing last night when he’d dragged her to bed, and he was pulling a hand through his hair.

Upon the door opening, he stopped and swung to her. His hand didn’t fall but stayed at the back of his neck and he stared at her. Not like she was a bug under his scrutiny, not blank, not detached, but she couldn’t tell what she read on his face and she no longer cared. She tried not to care about how beautiful he was, standing there with his muscular chest, tight stomach, black hair, dark, intense eyes and powerful frame but she couldn’t. Perhaps, she thought distractedly, with practice she’d be able to do that. One day.

His eyes looked her up and down and then settled on hers and they stared at each other what seemed hours but was probably minutes.

Finally, he dropped his arm.

“We have to talk,” he told her.

She shook her head and walked into the room, dumping her cosmetics on her dressing table, she turned to him.

“The time for talking is over,” she replied, feeling strangely that even though it had been only a few days since the time she would have begged him to talk to her, did beg him to talk to her, it felt like forever ago. She walked to the door but he stopped her with a hand on her arm, his fingers closing around it painfully as he swung her to face him.

“You’re going to listen to me,” he demanded.

She yanked her arm away and when he moved to regain hold, she clipped in a horrible voice, a voice she’d never heard pass her lips in her life, “Don’t you touch me.”

At her tone, Nate went completely still.

Lily went on, speaking in that voice. “I’m going to marry you tomorrow like you want, for Tash. I’ll sleep in the same bed with you and we’ll pretend we’re a cosy family. You can go to London and do whatever you need to do with whatever women there you need to do it with and I’ll…” she faltered, not knowing what to say, then rallied and told him honestly, “Do without.”

“Lily –” he broke in but she kept going.

“I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again. This will be fine. It’ll all be fine and Tash will never know.”

“Listen to me –”

“She’ll never know!” Lily spoke fervently but kept her voice low so neither Tash nor Fazire would overhear. “No one will ever know,” she said like she was trying to convince herself.

Then, feeling she made her point, she turned and had her hand on the door handle, sensing escape, but she was thwarted as he swung her back around, his arms closing around her tightly, bringing her up against his body and to her shock, his face went into the hair at the side of her neck.

“Lily, I want to tell you about –”

Her body became stiff as a board.

“Take your hands off me,” she said.

He took his arms from around her but her hope that he was doing as she asked was dashed when he immediately framed her face with his hands.

“You need to listen to me. You need to know who I am before you marry me tomorrow. You need to know so you can make the right decision and whatever that is, I’ll –”

“I know who you are, Nate. You showed me Monday night, remember?”

He closed his eyes but not before (she could swear) she saw that familiar aching pain slice through them. He dropped his forehead to hers then opened them again and he admitted, his voice harsh but not with anger, with emotion, “I was trying to push you away. I thought it was the right thing to do but when you heard Georgia, your voice, Christ, Lily, your voice. I can’t get it out of my head. I was out with her parents, they’ve been family friends for years. She wasn’t supposed to be there.”

Lily shook her head and tried to pull free of his hands. This didn’t work so she stood her ground and glared at him, now it was her shields that were impenetrable or, at least, she told herself that, she’d cleanthese particular wounds later.

“Lily, my mother was –” he started.

“Stop it!” she shouted and with superhuman effort yanked her face from his hands and took a step back. She was beyond caring who was in the house. She had to get out of there. She had to get out of there and away from Nate as soon as she could. She never thought she would feel she needed to be away from Nate but at that moment she needed it more than breath.

“I don’t care anymore, Nate,” she lied, caring more than anything but getting very good at lying with all the practice she’d had recently.

His eyes narrowed. Of course, he saw through her and she knew he didn’t believe her but he kept his distance though the distance between them wasn’t much, she was thankful for it.

“The time to tell me was eight years ago,” she informed him. “I don’t care anymore. I get it Nate. I understand. I’m just the plain, silly, hillbilly girl who got infatuated with who she thought was her romantic hero.” At that, Lily laughed, the acid resentment in the sound causing Nate’s controlled features to wince and he moved toward her again but she quickly retreated, lifting her hand to keep him at bay. His eyes dropped to her hand and he halted.

He opened his mouth to speak but Lily got there first.

“I was so stupid to think you’d want me.” She pointed at the both of them in turn. “Stupid, stupid, stupid. You, the dashing, brilliant, wealthy, impossibly handsome, unbearably handsome hero wanting silly old me. The nobody Lily Jacobs. Fat, stupid, ugly Lily Jacobs.” She swallowed her laughter this time on a tear clogged gulp, not even knowing what she was saying anymore, her eyes shimmering with tears she refused to shed and therefore she missed Nate’s stunned look of disbelief and she continued. “Who you are now is the father of my daughter. That’s it. The end. You need to keep up the pretence and find somewhere to stay tonight and you’re taking Tash and Fazire with you. This is so you don’t see me before the wedding. Bad luck.” She did chuckle at that, again completely without humour. Then she finished with, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” And she said this with finality, this time her tone brooked no response.

She turned her back on him, opened the door and fled as fast as her feet would carry her (which wasn’t very fast seeing as, for confidence-building purposes, she’d put on a pair of fancy, strappy, hot pink, high-heeled sandals with a big flower at the toe to go with her fancy, body-skimming, hot pink sundress).

Nate did not follow.

It was her turn to leave a note to Tash, saying she had to get to work early.

Then she got in her fancy new Mercedes and drove. She didn’t go to work, not until it was time, she simply drove and drove. Blanking her mind and installing armour around her already frozen heart.

Now she was back at home, waiting for Nate to come and pick up Tash and Fazire. Steeling herself to spend a jolly night with Laura and Maxie, celebrating her last night of freedom before the big day. They’d planned champagne and an orgy of food and Maxine had brought CDs to which later they would dance drunkenly as Lily and Maxine and often Fazire had done in the past.

Lily was so far beyond celebrations with champagne and dancing, it wasn’t funny.

In fact, she wasn’t certain she’d ever laugh again.

The door flew open and Fazire crashed their not-yet-started party.

“Lily-child, I must speak to you now,” he commanded grandly.

Lily’s eyes went to the window and she saw Nate angling out of his Aston Martin and she immediately understood Fazire’s imperious and slightly panicked demand.

She felt the familiar thrill race through her at the sight of Nate as she watched him move gracefully toward the house but she tamped it down and looked back to Fazire.

“Not now, Fazire, we’re in the middle of a bachelorette party.” This, too, was a lie.

Fazire looked from Lily, to Laura, to Maxine, to the champagne that lay in its ice bucket unopened, the glasses unfilled sitting around it. Then his eyes went back to Lily.

“I will not be denied. My room. Now.” Then he stomped out and she knew he very much wanted to float and a little bit of her deep down inside felt badly for him.

Lily got up and followed him then at the door, she closed it and turned back to Maxine and Laura.

Maxine knew the consequences of disobeying Fazire and her mouth dropped open in horror. Laura, who didn’t know, still looked a little frightened.

“Sweetling, you should go with him,” Maxie urged.

“No,” Lily answered.

Maxine and Laura looked at each other again.

“Daddeeeee.” They heard Tash’s joyful shout in the hall.

Lily went straight to the champagne and started preparations to open it, deciding that getting drunk, very drunk and soon, was the best possible course of action at this juncture.

Again, Maxine and Laura looked horrified as Lily ignored her imminent and supposedly beloved beyond reason husband’s arrival to the beautiful abode one that he’d provided for her, doing five years of work at Lily’s pace in two months and far better than Lily could have managed or afforded.

“Aren’t you, erm…” Laura said hesitantly, “going to greet Nathaniel?”

“He knows where to find me,” Lily stated with deep and false unconcern and then popped the cork just as the door flew open again.

“Yipeeeeeeeee!” Natasha shouted and ran across the room. “Can I have some champagne, Mummy? Please, please, please!”

Nate entered the room behind his daughter and Lily ignored him too.

Mrs. Gunderson sauntered in, jumped up next to Maxine and settled in for the show.

“Ask your father, doll baby, he might have something special planned for you tonight.” Finally, Lily’s eyes met Nate’s. “And he wouldn’t want to be delayed,” she finished with ill-concealed meaning that Nate was expected to come and quickly go.

Maxine and Laura’s heads swung to look at Nate as did Mrs. Gunderson’s, tale twitching expectantly. He was standing in his expensive, superbly cut, dark grey suit looking impossibly, unbearablyhandsome.

Tash ran to him and threw her arms around his hips, tilting half her body back and she cried, “Can I Daddy? Please, please, please!”

Lily watched as Nate’s hand settled on the crown of his daughter’s head and then slid down to stroke her cheek gently, all the while he looked down at her with a soft expression on his face. She steeled herself, too, against the warm rush that the sight made her feel.

She hadn’t seen him since she ran out on her tirade this morning. She also hadn’t heard from him and she didn’t care. This, also, was a lie, now she was lying to herself and she didn’t mind one whit (that, too, was a lie).

His head lifted and his eyes locked on Lily’s, or more to the point, skewered her to the spot.

“Of course you can have some champagne,” he said to Tash and Lily noted the intensity of his eyes but also that they were impossible to read. All she saw was that they weren’t blank or detached but burning.

Laura and Maxine (and Mrs. Gunderson) swung their gazes back to Lily.

“Of course!” Lily exclaimed, too loudly. “We’ll all have champagne. What a splendid, idea, Nate. You of all people know we have so much to celebrate,” she finished cattily and the ugliness felt foreign on her tongue.

Laura, Maxine and Gunny swung their eyes back to Nate but before he could respond, Fazire stormed in. He glanced at Nate, gave him a nod then he looked back to Lily.

“I thought I told you we were speaking in my room,” he snapped.

“Fazire, just in time,” Lily said, clapping with mock-delight, “we’re all having champagne before you and Nate and Tash go to Bath. It’s Nate’s idea. Isn’t he the bomb?”

Fazire blinked at her and Tash giggled, her daughter failing to read her mother’s sarcasm although everyone else certainly didn’t. Fazire’s gaze, too, went back to Nate.

Lily ignored everyone and extended her hand to her daughter. “Come on, Tash. Let’s get extra glasses.”

Tash skipped to her and her small hand closed around Lily’s and for the first time that day, Lily felt a modicum of comfort.

No matter what her life would bring, no matter what new horrors, she’d always have Tash and now Tash would have everything – a family, grandparents, a stable home (in a way) that was plush and posh, trust funds, horseback riding lessons.

Everything.

Yes, Lily decided, she would live for that.

And on that thought, her face softened and she gave her daughter one of her genuine, quirky smiles and she was so wrapped up in her misery, she had absolutely no idea the effect her smile had on the room particularly one of its inhabitants, the impossibly handsome one.

“Just a sip, my baby girl,” she warned as she and her daughter made to leave the room.

“Okay.” Tash was thrilled to have the decadent treat and was smart enough not to push it.

They met Victor on their way to the kitchen, he was on the ascent from the study. His eyes on Lily were kind and very, very worried.

“We’re having champagne in the sitting room before you all go to Bath,” Lily announced breezily as she walked right by him.

“Lily, can we have a quiet moment?”

“Nope. Champagne then you’re off. Not much time for chats,” Lily answered with a dazzling, false smile thrown over her shoulder.

Then she nearly ran to the kitchen and tried to pretend she didn’t see Victor’s face fall.

They had champagne and Lily felt acutely, even though, thankfully, it appeared Tash did not, the tension in the room. Everyone toasted Nate and Lily’s future. They all tried to be cheerful. Then, champagne drunk, Nate and Victor loaded the cars, Tash going to the Aston Martin and Fazire to Victor’s Jaguar.

Lily trailed behind Tash and Nate. She gave her daughter a hug and kiss and settled her into the car. Slamming the door with a wave and a blown kiss, she turned and nearly collided with Nate. Before she knew what he was about, his arm was around her, he stepped back, dragging her with him, one step, two, three until they were away from the car but still in eyesight of everyone and everyone was watching. Then his other arm went around her, he positioned them so his back was to their audience and Lily was shielded, shielded from everyone but Tash.

Then he kissed her.

It was a real kiss, not false, not fake, not demanding and greedy, a real Nate Kiss that took her breath away.

When he lifted his head, his eyes bore into hers, their intensity rooting her to the spot.

“You’ll be there tomorrow?” It was a question.

“Of course,” she answered automatically.

“No matter what, you’ll be there tomorrow?”

She was still trying to recover from the kiss but she thought she could hear fear in his tone. This, she told herself, had to be the champagne even though she’d only had one glass. She had no idea where he was going with this. His mood swings were enough to make her dizzy if his kiss hadn’t already done that.

“Yes, Nate,” she replied, digging deep and finding her shields, she threw them up, she did it on purpose and with grave determination. “I would never, ever, disappoint my daughter.”

His eyes flashed but instead of letting her go, getting angry or speaking, he kissed her again. This was a real, real Nate kiss, open-mouthed and branding, a kiss the like he’d barely ever given her in front of Tash, much less when their daughter was only three feet away and likely watching, avidly.

When his head came up this time, Lily was leaning into him for support.

“Lily –” he started, but he stopped.

She blinked at him, her recovery from the last kiss taking a wee, bit longer.

“What?” she breathed when he didn’t go on.

“Tomorrow we begin…” he said and Lily stared, not knowing what he was on about, then he finished, “again.”

With that, he let her go. She almost staggered at the loss of his strong support but caught herself. She turned and watched him get in the car and she waved dazedly as he drove her daughter away, Victor and the scowling Fazire following them.

Maxine and Laura came up on either side of her.

“Lily, I think it’s time that I –” Laura said.

“Party! It’s time to party!” Lily cried and then, without caring what they thought, she ran into the house.