walk toward the bench. "We know that the Fitzgeralds were asked to do the impossible—make informed health-care decisions for two of their children, who had opposing medical interests. And if we—like the Fitzgeralds—don't know what the right decision is, then the person who has to have the final say is the person whose body it is… even if that's a thirteen-year-old. And ultimately, that too is what this case is about: the moment when perhaps a child knows better than her parents.

“I know that when Anna made the choice to file this lawsuit, she did not do it for all the self-centered reasons you might expect of a thirteen-year-old. She didn't make this decision because she wanted to be like other kids her age. She didn't make this decision because she was tired of being poked and prodded. She didn't make this decision because she was afraid of the pain.”

I turn around, and smile at her. “You know what? I wouldn't be surprised if Anna gives her sister that kidney after all. But what I think doesn't matter. Judge DeSalvo, with all due respect, what you think doesn't matter. What Sara and Brian and Kate Fitzgerald think doesn't matter. What Anna thinks does.” I walk back toward my chair. “And that's the only voice we ought to be listening to.”

Judge DeSalvo calls for a fifteen-minute recess to render his decision, and I use it to walk the dog. We circle the little square of green behind to the Garrahy building, with Vern keeping an eye on the reporters who are waiting for a verdict. “Come on already,” I say, as Judge makes his fourth loop around, in search of the ultimate spot. “No one's watching.”

But this turns out to not be entirely true. A kid, no older than three or four, breaks away from his mother and comes crashing toward us. “Puppy!” he yells. He stretches out his hands in hot pursuit, and Judge steps closer to me.

His mother catches up a moment later. “Sorry. My son's going through a canine stage. Can we pet him?”

“No,” I say automatically. “He's a service dog.”

“Oh.” The woman straightens, pulls her son away. “But you aren't blind.”

I'm epileptic, and this is my seizure dog. I think about coming clean, for once, for the first time. But then again, you have to be able to laugh at yourself, don't you? “I'm a lawyer,” I say, and I grin at her. “He chases ambulances for me.”

As Judge and I walk off, I'm whistling.

When Judge DeSalvo comes back to the bench he brings a framed picture of his dead daughter, which is how I know that I've lost this case. “One thing that has struck me through the presentation of the evidence,” he begins, “is that all of us in this courtroom have entered into a debate about the quality of life versus the sanctity of life. Certainly the Fitzgeralds have always believed that having Kate alive and part of the family was crucial—but at this point the sanctity of Kate's existence has become completely intertwined with the quality of Anna's life, and it's my job to see whether those two can be separated.”

He shakes his head. “I'm not sure that any of us is qualified to decide which of those two is the most important—least of all myself. I'm a father. My daughter Dena was killed when she was twelve years old by a drunk driver, and when I rushed to the hospital that night, I would have given anything for another day with her. The Fitzgeralds have had fourteen years of being in that position—of being asked to give anything to keep their daughter alive a little bit longer. I respect their decisions. I admire their courage. I envy the fact that they even had these opportunities. But as both attorneys have pointed out, this case is no longer about Anna and a kidney, it's about how these decisions get made and how we decide who should make them.”

He clears his throat. “The answer is that there is no good answer. So as parents, as doctors, as judges, and as a society, we fumble through and make decisions that allow us to sleep at night—because morals are more important than ethics, and love is more important than law.”

Judge DeSalvo turns his attention to Anna, who shifts uncomfortably. “Kate doesn't want to die,” he says gently, “but she doesn't want to live like this, either. And knowing that, and knowing the law, there's really only one decision I can make. The sole person who should be allowed to make that choice is the very one who lies at the heart of the issue.”

I exhale heavily.

“And by that, I don't mean Kate, but Anna.”

Beside me, she sucks in her breath. “One of the issues brought up during these past few days has involved whether or not a thirteen-year-old is capable of making choices as weighty as these. I'd argue, though, that age is the least likely variable here for basic understanding. In fact, some of the adults here seem to have forgotten the simplest childhood rule: You don't take something away from someone without asking permission. Anna,” he asks, “will you please stand up?”

She looks at me, and I nod, standing up with her. “At this time,” Judge DeSalvo says, “I'm going to declare you medically emancipated from your parents. What that means is that even though you will continue to live with them, and even though they can tell you when to go to bed and what TV shows you can't watch and whether you have to finish your broccoli, with regards to any medical treatment, you have the last word.” He turns toward Sara. “Mrs. Fitzgerald, Mr. Fitzgerald—I'm going to order you to meet with Anna and her pediatrician and discuss the terms of this verdict so that the doctor understands he needs to deal directly with Anna. And just so that she has additional guidance, should she need it, I'm going to ask Mr. Alexander to assume medical power of attorney for her until age eighteen, so that he may assist her in making some of the more difficult decisions. I'm not in any way suggesting that these decisions should not be made in conjunction with her parents—but I am finding that the final decision will rest with Anna alone.” The judge pins his gaze on me. “Mr. Alexander, will you accept this responsibility?”

With the exception of Judge, I have never had to take care of anyone or anything before. And now I will have Julia, and I will have Anna. “I'd be honored,” I say, and I smile at her.

“I want those forms signed before you leave the courthouse today,” the judge orders. “Good luck, Anna. Stop by every now and then, and let me know how you are.”

He bangs his gavel, and we rise as he leaves the courtroom. “Anna,” I say, when she remains still and shocked beside me. “You did it.”

Julia reaches us first and leans over the gallery railing to hug Anna. “You were very brave.” Over Anna's shoulder she grins at me. “And so were you.”

But then Anna steps away, and finds herself facing her parents. There is a foot between them, and a universe of time and comfort. It isn't until that moment that I realize I have begun already to think of Anna as older than her biological age, yet here she is unsure and unable to make eye contact. “Hey,” Brian says, bridging the gap, pulling his daughter into a rough embrace. “It's okay.” And then Sara slips into this huddle, her arms coming around both of them, all their shoulders forming the wide wall of a team that has to reinvent the very game they play.

 

ANNA

VISIBILITY SUCKS. The rain, if possible, is coming down even harder. I have this brief vision of it pummeling the car so hard it crunches like an empty Coke can, and just like that it's harder for me to breathe. It takes a second for me to realize that this has nothing to do with the shitty weather or latent claustrophobia, but with the fact that my throat is only half as wide as usual/tears hardening it like an artery, so that everything I do and say involves twice as much work.

I have been medically emancipated for a whole half hour now. Campbell says the rain is a blessing, it's kept the reporters away. Maybe they will find me at the hospital and maybe they won't, but by then I will be with my family and it won't really matter. My parents left before us; we had to fill out the stupid paperwork. Campbell offered to drop me off when we were through, which is nice considering I know he wants nothing more than to hook up with Julia, which they seem to think is some tremendous mystery, but so isn't. I wonder what Judge does, when it's the two of them. I wonder if he feels left out.

“Campbell?” I ask, out of nowhere. “What do you think I should do?”

He doesn't pretend to not know what I'm talking about. “I just fought very hard at a trial for your right to choose, so I'm not going to tell you what I think.”

“Great,” I say, settling deep into my seat. “I don't even know who I really am.”

"I know who you are. You're the premier doorknob caddy in all of

Providence Plantations. You've got a wise mouth, and you pick the crackers out of the Chex Mix, and you hate math and…"

It's kind of cool, watching Campbell try to fill in all the blanks.

“… you like boys?” he finishes, but that one's a question.

“Some of them are okay,” I admit, “but they probably all grow up to be like you.”

He smiles. “God forbid.”

“What are you going to do next?”

Campbell shrugs. “I may actually have to take on a paying case.”

“So you can continue to support Julia in the style to which she's accustomed?”

“Yeah,” he laughs. “Something like that.”

It gets quiet for a moment, so all I can hear is the squelch of the windshield wipers. I slip my hands under my thighs, sit on them. “What you said at the trial… do you really think I'll be amazing in ten years?”

“Why, Anna Fitzgerald, are you fishing for compliments?”

“Forget I said anything.”

He glances at me. “Yes, I do. I imagine you'll be breaking guy's hearts, or painting in Montmartre, or flying fighter jets, or hiking through undiscovered countries.” He pauses. “Maybe all of the above.”

There was a time when, like Kate, I'd wanted to be a ballerina. But since then I've gone through a thousand different stages: I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to be a paleontologist. I wanted to be a backup singer for Aretha Franklin, a member of the Cabinet, a Yellowstone National Park ranger. Now, based on the day, I sometimes want to be a microsurgeon, a poet, a ghost hunter.

Only one thing's a constant. “Ten years from now,” I say, “I'd like to be Kate's sister.”

 

BRIAN

MY BEEPER GOES OFF just as Kate starts another course of dialysis. An MVA, two cars, with Pl-a motor vehicle accident with injuries. 'They need me,“ I tell Sara. 'You'll be okay?”

The ambulance is headed to the corner of Eddy and Fountain, a bad intersection to begin with, rendered worse by this weather. By the time I arrive, the cops have blocked off the area. It's a T-bone: the two vehicles rammed together by sheer force into a conglomerate of twisted steel. The truck made out better; the smaller BMW is literally bent like a smile around its front end. I get out of the car and into the pouring rain, find the first policeman I can. “Three injured,” he says. “One's already en route.”

I find Red working the Jaws of Life, trying to cut through the driver's side of the second car to get to the victims. “What have you got?” I shout over the sirens.

“First driver went through the windshield,” he yells back. “Caesar took her in the ambulance. The second ambulance is on its way. There are two people in here, from what I can see, but both doors are accordions.”

“Let me see if I can crawl over the top of the truck.” I start to work my way up the slick metal and shattered glass. My foot goes through a hole I couldn't see in the flatbed, and I curse and try to get myself untangled. With careful movements I pull myself into the pleated cab of the truck, maneuver myself forward. The driver must have flown out the windshield over the height of the little BMW; the entire front end of the Ford-150 has plowed through the sports car's passenger side, as if it were made of paper.

I have to crawl out what was the window of the truck, because the engine is between me and whoever's inside the BMW. But if I twist myself a certain way, there is a tiny space where I can nearly fit myself, one that puts me up against the tempered glass, spiderweb-shattered, stained red with blood. And just as Red forces the driver's side door free with the Jaws and a dog comes whimpering out, I realize that the face pressed up against the other side of the broken window is Anna's.

“Get them out,” I yell, “get them out now!” I do not know how I force myself back out of this snarled skeleton to knock Red out of the way; how I unhook Campbell Alexander from his seat belt and drag him to lay in the street with the rain pelting around him; how I reach inside to where my daughter is still and wide-eyed, strapped into her belt the way she is supposed to be and Jesus God no.

Paulie comes out of nowhere and lays his hands on her and before I know what I'm doing I deck him, sending him sprawling. “Fuck, Brian,” he says, holding his jaw.

“It's Anna. Paulie, it's Anna.”

When they understand, they try to hold me back and do this work for me, but it is my baby, my baby, and I am having none of it. I get her onto a backboard and strap her down, let them load her onto the ambulance. I tip back the bottom of her chin, ready to intubate, but see the little scar she got from falling on Jesse's ice skate, and fall apart. Red moves me aside and does it instead, then takes her pulse. “It's weak, Cap,” he says, “but it's there.”

He puts in an IV line while I pick up the radio and call in our ETA. 'Thirteen-year-old female, MVA, severe closed head injury…“ When the cardiac monitor blanks out, I drop the receiver and start CPR. ”Get the paddles," I order, and I pull open Anna's shirt, cut through the lace of the bra she wanted so badly but doesn't need. Red shocks her, and gets the pulse back, bradycardia with ventricular escape beats.

We bag her and put in an IV. Paulie screams into the loading zone for ambulances and throws open the back doors. On the trailer, Anna is immobile. Red grabs my arm, hard. “Don't think about it,” he says, and he takes the head of Anna's stretcher and rushes her into the ER.

They will not let me into the trauma room. A flock of firefighters dribble in for support. One of them goes up to get Sara, who arrives frantic. “Where is she? What happened?”

“A car accident,” I manage. “I didn't know who it was until I got there.” My eyes fill up. Do I tell her that she is not breathing independently? Do I tell her that the EKG flatlined? Do I tell her that I have spent the past few minutes questioning every single thing I did on that call, from the way I crawled over the truck to the moment I pulled her from the wreckage, certain that my emotion compromised what should have been done, what could have been done?

At that moment I hear Campbell Alexander, and the sound of something being thrown against a wall. “Goddammit,” he says. “Just tell me whether or not she was brought here!”

He bursts out of the doorway of another trauma room, his arm in a cast, his clothes bloodied. The dog, limping, is at his side. Immediately, Campbell's eyes home in on mine. “Where's Anna?” he asks.

I don't answer, because what the hell can I say. And that's all it takes for him to understand. “Oh, Jesus,” he whispers. “Oh God, no.”

The doctor comes out of Anna's room. He knows me; I am here four nights a week. “Brian,” he says soberly, “she's not responding to noxious stimuli.”

The sound that comes out of me is primal, inhuman, all-knowing. “What does that mean?” Sara's words peck at me. “What is he saying, Brian?”

“Anna's head hit the window with great force, Mrs. Fitzgerald. It caused a fatal head injury. A respirator is keeping her breathing right now, but she's not showing any indications of neurological activity… she's brain dead. I'm sorry,” the doctor says. “I really am.” He hesitates, looks from me to Sara. “I know it's not something you even want to think about right now, but there's a very small window… is organ donation something you'd like to consider?”

There are stars in the night sky that look brighter than the others, and when you look at them through a telescope you realize you are looking at twins. The two stars rotate around each other, sometimes taking nearly a hundred years to do it. They create so much gravitational pull there's no room around for anything else. You might see a blue star, for example, and realize only later that it has a white dwarf as a companion-that first one shines so bright, by the time you notice the second one, it's really too late.

Campbell is the one who actually answers the doctor. “I have power of attorney for Anna,” he explains, “not her parents.” He looks from me, to Sara. “And there is a girl upstairs who needs that kidney.”

 

SARA

IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE there are orphans and widows, but there is no word for the parent who loses a child.

They bring her back down to us after the donated organs are removed. I am the last to go in. In the hallway, already, are Jesse and Zanne and Campbell and some of the nurses we've grown close to, and even Julia Romano—the people who needed to say goodbye.

Brian and I walk inside, where Anna lies tiny and still on the hospital bed. A tube feeds down her throat, a machine breathes for her. It is up to us to turn it off. I sit down on the edge of the bed and pick up Anna's hand, still warm to the touch, still soft inside mine. It turns out that after all these years I have spent anticipating a moment like this, I am completely at a loss. Like coloring the sky in with a crayon; there is no language for grief this big. “I can't do this,” I whisper.

Brian comes up behind me. “Sweetheart, she's not here. It's the machine keeping her body alive. What makes Anna Anna is already gone.”

I turn, bury my face against his chest. “But she wasn't supposed to,” I sob.

We hold each other, then, and when I feel brave enough I look back down at the husk that once held my youngest. He is right, after all. This is nothing but a shell. There is no energy to the lines

of her face; there is a slack absence to her muscles. Under this skin they have stripped her of organs that will go to Kate and to other, nameless, second-chance people.

“Okay.” I take a deep breath. I put my hand on Anna's chest as Brian, trembling, flips off the respirator. I rub her skin in small circles, as if this might make it easier. When the monitors flatline, I wait to see some change in her. And then I feel it, as her heart stops beating beneath my palm—that tiny loss of rhythm, that hollow calm, that utter loss.

 

When along the pavement,

Palpitating flames of life,

People flicker round me,

I forget my bereavement,

The gap in the great constellation,

The place where a star used to be.

—D. H. LAWRENCE, “Submergence”

 

KATE

 2010

THERE SHOULD BE A STATUTE of limitation on grief. A rule book that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after forty -two days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name. That there will be no fine imposed if you feel the need to clean out her desk; take down her artwork from the refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you pass—if only because it cuts you fresh again to see it. That it is okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays.

For a long time, afterward, my father claimed to see Anna in the night sky. Sometimes it was the wink of her eye, sometimes the shape of her profile. He insisted that stars were people who were so well loved they were traced in constellations, to live forever. My mother believed, for a long time, that Anna would come back to her. She began to look for signs—plants that bloomed too early, eggs with double yolks, salt spilled in the shape of letters.

And me, well, I began to hate myself. It was, of course, all my fault. If Anna had never filed that lawsuit, if she hadn't been at the courthouse signing papers with her attorney, she never would have been at that particular intersection at that particular moment. She would be here, and I would be the one coming back to haunt her.

For a long time, I was sick. The transplant nearly failed, and then, inexplicably, I began the long steep climb upward. It has been eight years since my last relapse, something not even Dr. Chance can understand. He thinks it is a combination of the ATRA and the arsenic therapy—some contributing delayed effect—but I know better. It is that someone had to go, and Anna took my place.

Grief is a curious thing, when it happens unexpectedly. It is a Band-Aid being ripped away, taking the top layer off a family. And the underbelly of a household is never pretty, ours no exception. There were times I stayed in my room for days on end with headphones on, if only so that I would not have to listen to my mother cry. There were the weeks that my father worked round-the-clock shifts, so that he wouldn't have to come home to a house that felt too big for us.

Then one morning, my mother realized that we had eaten everything in the house, down to the last shrunken raisin and graham cracker crumb, and she went to the grocery store. My father paid a bill or two. I sat down to watch TV and watched an old I Love Lucy and started to laugh.

Immediately, I felt like I had defiled a shrine. I clapped my hand over my mouth, embarrassed. It was Jesse, sitting beside me on the couch, who said, “She would have thought it was funny, too.”

See, as much as you want to hold on to the bitter sore memory that someone has left this world, you are still in it. And the very act of living is a tide: at first it seems to make no difference at all, and then one day you look down and see how much pain has eroded.

I wonder how much she keeps tabs on us. If she knows that for a long time, we were close to Campbell and Julia, even went to their wedding. If she understands that the reason we don't see them anymore is because it just plain hurt too much, because even when we didn't talk about Anna, she lingered in the spaces between the words, like the smell of something burning.

I wonder if she was at Jesse's graduation from the police academy, if she knows that he won a citation from the mayor last year for his role in a drug bust. I wonder if she knew that Daddy fell deep into a bottle after she left, and had to claw his way out. I wonder if she knows that, now, I teach children how to dance. That every time I see two little girls at the barre, sinking into plies, I think of us.

She still takes me by surprise. Like nearly a year after her death, when my mother came home with a roll of film she'd just developed of my high school graduation. We sat down at the kitchen table together, shoulder to shoulder, trying not to mention as we looked at all our double-wide grins that there was someone missing from the photo.

And then, as if we'd conjured her, the last picture was of Anna. It had been that long since we'd used the camera, plain and simple. She was on a beach towel, holding out one hand toward the photographer, trying to get whoever it was to stop taking her picture.

My mother and I sat at the kitchen table staring at Anna until the sun set, until we had memorized everything from the color of her pony tail holder to the pattern of fringe on her bikini. Until we couldn't be sure we were seeing her clearly anymore.

My mother let me have that picture of Anna. But I didn't frame it; I put it into an envelope and sealed it and stuffed it far back into a corner drawer of a filing cabinet. It's there, just in case one of these days I start to lose her.

There might be a morning when I wake up and her face isn't the first thing I see. Or a lazy August afternoon when I can't quite recall anymore where the freckles were on her right shoulder. Maybe one of these days, I will not be able to listen to the sound of snow falling and hear her footsteps.

When I start to feel this way I go into the bathroom and I lift up my shirt and touch the white lines of my scar. I remember how, at first, I thought the stitches seemed to spell out her name. I think about her kidney working inside me and her blood running through my veins. I take her with me, wherever I go.