came suddenly awake. There was no warm-up period. It was as abrupt as turning on a transistor radio.

I was on my bed in my hotel room, lying on top of the covers with my head on the pillow. I had piled my clothes on the chair but slept in my underwear. There was a foul taste in my dry mouth and I had a killer headache.

I got up. I felt shaky and awful, and a sense of impending doom hung in the air, as though if I turned around quickly I could look Death in the eye.

I didn’t want a drink but knew I needed one to take the edge off the way I felt. I couldn’t find the bourbon bottle and then I finally found it in the wastebasket. Evidently I’d finished it before I went to bed. I wondered how much it had contained.

No matter. It was empty now.

I held out a hand, studied it. No visible tremors. I flexed the fingers. Not as steady as Gibraltar, maybe, but not a case of the shakes, either.

Shaky inside, though.

I couldn’t remember returning to the hotel. I probed gingerly at my memory and couldn’t get any further than the boy scuttling down the street and around the corner. Anthony Sforczak, that was his name.

See? Nothing wrong with the memory.

Except that it ran out at that point. Or perhaps a moment later, when the young couple came out of Armstrong’s and walked up the street holding hands. Then it all went blank, coming into focus again with me coming to in my hotel room. What time was it, anyway?

My watch was still on my wrist. Quarter after nine. And it was light outside my window, so that meant a.m. Not that I really had to look to be sure. I hadn’t lost a day, just the length of time it took me to walk half a block home and get to bed.

Assuming I’d come straight home.

I stripped off my underwear and got into the shower. While I was under the spray I could hear my phone ringing. I let it ring. I spent a long time under the hot spray, then took a blast of cold for as long as I could stand it, which wasn’t very long. I toweled dry and shaved. My hand wasn’t as steady as it might have been but I took my time and didn’t cut myself.

I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. A lot of red in the eyes. I thought of Havermeyer’s description of Susan Potowski, her eyes swimming in blood. I didn’t like my red eyes, or the mesh of broken blood vessels on my cheekbones and across the bridge of my nose.

I knew what put them there. Drink put them there. Nothing else. I could forget about what it might be doing to my liver because my liver was tucked away where I didn’t have to look at it every morning.

And where nobody else could see it.

I got dressed, put on all clean clothes, stuffed everything else in my laundry bag. The shower helped and the shave helped and the clean clothes helped, but in spite of all three I could feel remorse settling over my shoulders like a cape. I didn’t want to look at the previous night because I knew I wasn’t going to like what I’d see there.

But what choice did I have?

I put the roll of bills in one pocket, the gravity knife in the other. I went downstairs and out, walking past the desk without breaking stride. I knew there’d be messages there but I figured they’d keep.

I decided not to stop at McGovern’s but when I got there I turned in. Just one quick drink to still the invisible shaking. I drank it like the medicine it was.

Around the corner I sat in a rear pew at St. Paul’s. For what seemed like a long time I didn’t even think. I just sat there.

Then the thoughts started. No way to stop them, really.

I’d been drunk the night before and hadn’t known it. I’d probably been drunk fairly early in the day. There were patches in Brooklyn that I couldn’t remember clearly, and I didn’t seem to have any recollection of the subway ride back to Manhattan. For that matter, I couldn’t be sure I’d ridden the subway. I might have taken a cab.

I remembered talking to myself in a Brooklyn bar. I must have been drunk then. I didn’t tend to talk to myself when I was sober.

Not yet, anyway.

All right, I could live with all that. I drank too goddamn much, and when you do that with consistency there are going to be times when you get drunk without wanting to. This wasn’t the first time and I didn’t suspect it would be the last. It came with the territory.

But I’d been drunk when I was playing Hero Cop on Ninth Avenue, drunk with the booze for high-octane fuel. My street-smart instincts that warned me about a mugging were less a source of pride the morning after.

Maybe he just wanted a match.

My gorge rose at the thought and I tasted bile at the back of my throat. Maybe he was just another kid from Woodside having himself a night on the town. Maybe he’d been a mugger only in my mind, my drunken mind. Maybe I’d beaten him and robbed him for no good reason at all.

But he’d asked for a match when he had a working lighter.

So? That was an icebreaker as old as tobacco. Ask for a match, strike up a conversation. He could have been a male hustler. He would hardly have been the first gay man to put on a bomber jacket.

He was carrying a gravity knife.

So? Frisk the city and you could stock an arsenal. Half the city was carrying something to protect it from the other half. The knife was a deadly weapon and he was breaking a law carrying it, but it didn’t prove anything.

He knew how to grab that wall. It wasn’t his first frisk.

And that didn’t prove anything either. There are neighborhoods where you can’t grow up without getting stopped and tossed once a week by the cops.

And the money? The roll of bills?

He could have come by it honestly. Or he could have earned it in any of innumerable dishonest ways and still not have been a mugger.

And my vaunted cop instincts? Hell, the minute he came out of the doorway I’d known he was going to approach me.

Right. And I’d also known his partner was moving in behind me, knew it as if I’d had eyes in the back of my head. Except there was nobody there. So much for the infallibility of instinct.

I took out the gravity knife, opened it. Suppose I’d been carrying it the night before. More realistically, suppose I’d still been carrying the icepick I’d bought in Boerum Hill. Would I have limited myself to a couple of body punches and a forearm smash to the face? Or would I have worked with the materials at hand?

I felt shaky, and it was more than the hangover.

I closed the knife and put it away. I took out the roll of bills, removed the rubber band, counted the cash. I made it a hundred and seventy dollars in fives and tens.

If he was a mugger, why didn’t he have the knife in his hand? How come it was in his jacket pocket with the flap buttoned down?

Or was the flap buttoned?

Didn’t matter. I sorted the money and added it to my own. On my way out I lit a couple of candles, then slipped seventeen dollars into the poor box.

At the corner of Fifty-seventh I dropped the gravity knife into a sewer.