NOTHER GREAT STORY of the horrors of dating. I entertain half the town with Oliver’s Groin, the latest in a series of laugh-out-loud jokes that comprises my love life. Soon I’ll have enough for a daily calendar.

My second date from Father Tim’s list of eligible bachelors is Albert Mikrete. We meet at a steakhouse on Route 1, Al and I. And while he is a good-looking man, financially secure, considerate and pleasant, and while we agree that Maggie Mikrete would be an excellent name, and while he was apparently quite brave during his colonoscopy last month and his cataract surgery in January, we decide at the end of our meal that perhaps we aren’t quite right for each other.

“You’re a lovely girl,” Al says as he pays the check (at least there’s that). He puts away the pictures of his grandchildren and smiles. “And you’ve been so kind to an old man like myself, sitting here all night, listening to me go on.”

“I’ll probably kick myself for letting you go,” I say, horrified to realize that Al’s been my best date in years.

“Well, I can’t wait to tell my bridge club that I went on a date with a sweet young thing. Imagine! Me, dating a woman forty-six years younger!”

We laugh and hug and part as friends, and he drives with painstaking care out of the parking lot, another senior citizen fallen to my charms. When I get home, there’s a wheezing, laughing message on my machine from Father Tim. “Oh, shite, Maggie,” he says, and I smile at the rare curse. “You’ve already gone, then. Well, by the time you get home tonight, you’ll find that wires got a wee bit crossed…” He dissolves into more gales of laughter. “Ring me when you get in.”

I pick up the phone and hit number three on speed dial. “You’re speaking to the future Mrs. Albert Mikrete,” I say when he answers.

“Oh, Maggie!” he says. “I’m so sorry. It seems that Father Bruce was thinking of the wrong person…tell me it wasn’t awful.”

“It wasn’t, actually. He has beautiful grandchildren.”

This causes another shower of laughter, and I lie back on my bed and listen happily.

That Sunday as I field the after-church brunch crowd, I’m surprised to see Al come in. He waves vigorously as I serve the Tabors their pancakes.

“Thought I’d stop by and see you, sweetheart,” he announces loudly, adjusting his hearing aid. The diner becomes quiet. “I wanted to tell you again what a wonderful time I had on our date.”

I smile. “Me, too, Al.” At least this time, I’m not embarrassed. Or drunk.

“WHAT ABOUT KEVIN MICHALSKI?” Father Tim asks the next week, taking his usual seat at the diner.

“I used to babysit him,” I answer, gazing out at April. Sadly, it doesn’t look different from muddy March, though the air is a bit gentler. There may be a slight fuzz of red on the distant oaks, but I can’t really tell.

“Ah. And that puts him out of the running, does it?”

“He must be twelve or thirteen years younger than I am, Father Tim. He’s nineteen years old. I’d like someone who can buy a six-pack.”

“All right, then,” says Father Tim. He seems to have really gotten a tickle out of arranging my dates and consults his list with a serious expression. “I’ve one last man to try, and if that doesn’t work, I’m giving up on the world of dating.”

“You realize how that sounds, don’t you?” I ask him.

“This one’s a winner, mind you,” he says. “I’ve been saving the best for last.”

“Crafty of you,” I murmur.

He grins. “You’ll thank me for this one, Maggie. You will.”

“Good,” I say. “Because this is your last chance. If he doesn’t work out, I’m putting myself on eBay.”

The breakfast crowd is now finished. Octavio is singing in the kitchen, Georgie is packing up leftovers for me to take to the soup kitchen, and Judy is painting her nails in the corner booth. I’ve already baked five dozen chocolate chip cookies for the fire department tonight, and later this afternoon, I’ll do my Meals on Wheels route. Mrs. K. and I have plans to watch a movie together…The Cave, I think she said. She likes a good scare. It’s a typical day, busy, full, tiring. Not a bad day at all.

But loneliness gnaws at me, and filling my time with pleasant tasks ain’t cutting it. While watching a gory movie with Mrs. K. holds its charms, it’s not what I really want. I want to watch a movie with my husband while our kids sleep upstairs. He’ll ask me if I want some ice cream as I go upstairs to check that the covers haven’t slipped off the baby. Then he’ll say, “Hey, move over,” so he can sit next to me and play with my hair. “I love you,” I’ll say, and he’ll answer, “Thank God for that.”

AFTER MRS. K. HAS fallen asleep on our movie, I creep up to the apartment, satisfied that Colonel, even if he isn’t young, would at least alert me to the presence of evil. Then, I supposed, he would watch me be slaughtered by the creature that he barked at, and eventually he’d probably curl up and gnaw one of my bones for the rest of the night.

“You wouldn’t eat me, would you, boy?” I ask, getting him a chew stick just in case. He takes the treat delicately from me and lies down gingerly. His hips must hurt. “You’re the best, Colonel.” He glances at me and thumps his tail in agreement.

I go to my little desk in the corner and glance out the window. From here I can see the harbor and the few lights that twinkle sweetly there. I turn on my computer and go on the Internet. I usually don’t surf unless I have a reason, but tonight, that loneliness is waiting to pounce. I’ll just look. No one will ever know.

Last night I babysat for Violet. I love my niece so much, marvel at her perfect dimpled hands, her sweet breath, silky dark hair, her fascinating, pulsating soft spot. After Christy and Will left, I did what I usually do—pretended she was mine. Do I covet her? Absolutely. I cooked her some carrots and oatmeal, ground up some chicken and gave her a mashed banana for dessert. Then I bathed her and let her dump water out of a cup for a half hour, nearly becoming drunk on the smell of Johnson’s baby shampoo.

Holding her on my lap, I read The Big Red Barn seven or eight times. Violet never failed to be charmed at my animal imitations, and every time I said, “Cockadoodle doo! Moo, Moo!” she would turn to me, eyes dancing, her little pearl teeth gleaming with saliva.

When I could keep her awake no longer, I sat in the rocking chair in her room and settled her against my chest, humming tunelessly until she fell asleep, holding her until my arms trembled from not moving. Laying her in the crib, I pulled up her tiny down comforter just so, arranged her bunny and her moose to be close to her head but not too close, and watched her sleep, pink as a new rosebud, her eyelashes a sooty smudge on her cheeks.

“I love you so much,” I whispered. I rather hoped she would wake up and fuss so I could comfort her, but she slept deeply, not moving as I stroked her cheek with my pinky, the least rough of all my fingers.

Right. So. Can’t have a baby if I don’t have a mate.

I type in a few terms for Google, then click on the first Web site that comes up without giving myself time to chicken out. Before I am allowed to see who is ripe for the picking in northern Maine, I must first answer some questions. Are you a woman seeking a man? I most certainly am. Then I enter in my approximate date of birth and zip code. Pick a user name, I am ordered. Okay, I think. Something nauseating and memorable. “Booboobear.” Sorry, that name is already taken. Please choose again. “Reallyniceperson.” Sorry, that name is already taken. Please choose again. I glance at my dog. “Colonel McKissy.” Sorry, that name—

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” I mutter. I type in some gibberish and finally get through. The next few questions are easy…my body type, hair color, eye color. For these, I’m truthful. Body type, average. Eyes gray, hair…hmm. Am I light brown or dark blond? Dark blond sounds more alluring, so dark blond I am. Then we get to the interesting stuff. Body Art. Does double piercing my ears count? Apparently not. The choices include things like inked all over, fanged and branded. Branded? Do people get branded these days? Should I invest in a brand, perhaps?

“See?” I tell Colonel. “This is why I don’t do Internet dating.”

Still, it’s interesting. I skip the body art section and move onto best feature. Hmm. I guess everyone would say their eyes…so I’ll say smile. I have a nice smile, a ready smile. My teeth are straight and even…Smile it is. But smile is not on the list. Calves are on the list, and forearms, nipples and navel, but not smile.

Tell us about yourself, the computer form urges. Will do.

“Hometown girl, love my family, love my dog. Want to make a nice life with someone loyal, funny and kindhearted. I love to bake, feed people and ride my bike. Nice-looking and once or twice a year, I can even pull off beautiful.” Yes, if I spend a few hours fussing with my hair, using a pore-minimizing mud mask, soaking my hands and spending a half hour on makeup, that is. Not that I do, mind you, but I can.

“I’m good-natured and don’t mind laughing at myself, either.” As I’ve demonstrated far too often, I think. “Enjoy reading, scary movies and baseball. Want to settle down and have kids.” Why be coy, right?

After numerous other sections, such as religious preferences, turn-ons (fangs are among the choices listed) and my idea of the perfect first date, I am finally allowed to see the eligible men within 75 miles of my zip code. There are two.

Looking for goddess to rain with me as we conquer the universe and all it’s mysteries, explore the depths of our sensual natures and experament on the laws of love. You are big-breasted, young, stunning, adventurous, sexually daring and don’t mind being submissive when your god commands it. So much can be learned from exploring each other physically…why wait is what I say. Come with me and bend to my desires, o goddess, and you will not be sorry.

I’m sorry already, actually. The misspellings are enough to put me off, let alone the gist of the message. I click on the second.

Single father of two, abandoned by whore of a wife and left to deal with everything alone. She cleaned out the bank accounts, took the good car and left me with nothing, and this after fifteen years of sucking my soul dry in the first place. Let alone talk about what it’s doing to the kids. Your mother’s a bitch, I tell them. Sorry kids, but that’s the way it is. So anyways, I’m looking for someone who loves kids and doesn’t mind watching mine. Preferably someone who doesn’t have kids of their own, because you know how fucked up that can be. I work long hours and won’t be home much, so you should love taking care of the house, too. I’m extremely good-looking and have a great sense of humor.

“I don’t care if you’re Jude Law,” I say. “You need some serious counseling.” Colonel shares my disbelief and rises to put his head on my lap. I stroke his ears, and he burps softly in response, tail wagging. The phone rings.

“Maggie, I’ve got you set up for a phone date,” Father Tim announces.

“Bless you, Father,” I answer. “I think you’re my last hope. Not that I’ve forgotten Oliver and his groin, mind you.”

“I’m asking for your forgiveness on that one, Maggie,” he says. “That was a fluke. This time I’ve a fine fellow by the name of Doug Andrews.”

“What does he do?” I ask.

“I believe he’s a fisherman.”

“Okay.” Plenty of men around here are. “Anything else?”

“Well now, I’ve not met him myself, nor has Father Bruce. He’s from Ellsworth, a member of the church down there, and Father Bruce was kind enough to speak to his pastor. But from the account I’ve heard, our Mr. Andrews is a good-looking man in his thirties.”

“Mmm-hmm. And why does he need to be fixed up by a priest?” I ask. Even though I myself require this service, I’m suspicious of others who also need it.

“He’s a widower,” Father Tim answers. “Lost his wife a couple of years ago.”

“Great!” I answer, then immediately correct myself. “I mean, of course, not great. That’s awful. So sad.” I roll my eyes. “What I mean is, at least he was normal enough to meet someone once. It’s better than just being a weirdo who never was able to get married in the first place.” I pause. “Like me.”

“Maggie, you’re not a weirdo. Granted, you talk a bit too much, and you’ve a way of sticking your foot in your mouth, but you’re a jewel. And if a girl as wonderful as you needs a bit of help in finding someone, doesn’t it stand to reason that there’s a wonderful man out there who does, as well?”

“Um…I guess so.” Did Father Tim just insult me or compliment me? A little of both, it seems. “Well, is he going to call me?”

“He is, yes. Tomorrow night. Nine o’clock. I assume you’ll be in?”

“Yup.” I hop up and make the note on my blackboard. “Father Tim, I really hope something turns out with this guy,” I say. “I’m so tired of first dates. I just don’t know why it’s so hard to meet someone.”

He sighs in my ear. “Nor do I, Maggie. As I said, you’re a fine person. And you will find someone. The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

“A priest finding me a boyfriend is on the mysterious side, Father Tim.” His laughter warms my heart.