nd Anna?”

Kate starts to pleat the blanket in folds on her lap. “There was one year when every single holiday, and I mean even like Memorial Day, I was in the hospital. It wasn't anything planned, of course, but that's the way it happened. We had a tree in my room for Christmas, and an Easter egg hunt in the cafeteria, and we trick-or-treated on the orthopedic ward. Anna was around six years old, and she threw a total fit because she couldn't bring sparklers into the hospital on the Fourth of July—all the oxygen tents.” Kate looks up at me. “She ran away. Not far, or anything—I think she got to the lobby before someone nabbed her. She was going to find herself another family, she told me. Like I said, she was only six, and no one really took it seriously. But I used to wonder what it would be like to be normal. So I totally understood why she'd wonder about it, too.”

“When you're not sick, do you and Anna get along pretty well?”

“We're like any pair of sisters, I guess. We fight over who gets to put on whose CDs; we talk about cute guys; we steal each other's good nail polish. She gets into my stuff and I yell; I get into her stuff and she cries down the house. Sometimes she's great. And other times I wish she'd never been born.”

That sounds so patently familiar that I grin. “I have a twin sister. Every time I used to say that, my mother would ask me if I could really, truly picture being an only child.”

“Could you?”

I laugh. “Oh… there were definitely times I could imagine life without her.”

Kate doesn't crack a smile. “See,” she says, “my sister's the one who's always had to imagine life without me.”

 

SARA

AT EIGHT, KATE IS A LONG TANGLE of arms and legs, sometimes resembling a creature made of sunlight and pipe cleaners more than she does a little girl. I stick my head into her room for the third time that morning, to find her in yet a different outfit. This one is a dress, white with red cherries printed across it. “You're going to be late for your own birthday party,” I tell her.

Thrashing her way out of the halter top, Kate strips off the dress. “I look like an ice cream sundae.”

“There are worse things,” I point out.

“If you were me, would you wear the pink skirt or the striped one?”

I look at them both, puddles on the floor. “The pink one.”

“You don't like the stripes?”

“Then wear that one.”

“I'm going to wear the cherries,” she decides, and she turns around to grab it. On the back of her thigh is a bruise the size of a half-dollar, a cherry that has stained its way through the fabric.

“Kate,” I ask, “what's that?”

Twisting around, she looks at the spot where I point. “I guess I banged it.”

For five years, Kate has been in remission. At first, when the cord blood transplant seemed to be working, I kept waiting for someone to tell me this was all a mistake. When Kate complained that her feet hurt, I rushed her to Dr. Chance, certain this was the bony pain of recurrence, only to find out that she'd outgrown her sneakers. When she fell down, instead of kissing her scrapes, I'd ask her if her platelets were good.

A bruise is created when there is bleeding in tissues beneath the skin, usually—but not always—the result of a trauma. It has been five whole years, did I mention that? Anna sticks her head into the room. “Daddy says the first car just pulled up and if Kate wants to come down wearing a flour sack he doesn't care. What's a flour sack?”

Kate finishes hiking the sundress over her head, then pulls up the hem and rubs the bruise. “Huh,” she says.

Downstairs, there are twenty-five second-graders, a cake in the shape of a unicorn, and a local college kid hired to make swords and bears and crowns out of balloons. Kate opens her presents—necklaces made of glittery beads, craft kits, Barbie paraphernalia. She saves the biggest box for last—the one Brian and I have gotten her. Inside a glass bowl swims a fantail goldfish. Kate has wanted a pet forever. But Brian is allergic to cats, and dogs require a lot of attention, which led us to this. Kate could not be happier. She carries him around for the rest of the party. She names him Hercules.

After the party, when we are cleaning up, I find myself staring at the goldfish. Bright as a penny, he swims in circles, happy to be going nowhere.

It takes only thirty seconds to realize that you will be canceling all your plans, erasing whatever you had been cocky enough to schedule on your calendar. It takes sixty seconds to understand that even if you'd been fooled into thinking so, you do not have an ordinary life.

A routine bone marrow aspiration—one we'd scheduled long before I ever saw that bruise—has come back with some abnormal promyelocytes floating around. Then a polymerase chain reaction test—one that allows the study of DNA—showed that in Kate, the 15 and 17 chromosomes were translocated.

All of this means that Kate is in molecular relapse now, and clinical symptoms can't be that far behind. Maybe she won't present with blasts for a month. Maybe we won't find blood in her urine or stools for a year. But inevitably, it will happen.

They say that word, relapse, like they might say birthday or tax deadline, something that happens so routinely it has become part of your internal calendar, whether you want it to or not.

Dr. Chance has explained that this is one of the great debates for oncologists—do you fix a wheel that isn't broken, or do you wait until the cart collapses? He recommends that we put Kate on ALL-TRANS Retinoic Acid. It comes in a pill half the size of my thumb, and was basically stolen from ancient Chinese medics who'd been using it for years. Unlike chemotherapies, which go in and kill everything in their path, ATRA heads right for chromosome 17. Since the translocation of chromosomes 15 and 17 is in part what keeps promyelocyte maturation from happening correctly, ATRA helps uncoil the genes that have bound themselves together… and stops the abnormalities from going further.

Dr. Chance says the ATRA may put Kate back into remission.

Then again, she might develop a resistance to it.

“Mom?” Jesse comes into the living room, where I am sitting on the couch. I've been there for hours now. I can't seem to make myself get up and do any of the things I am supposed to, because what is the point of packing school lunches or hemming a pair of pants or even paying the heating bill?

“Mom,” Jesse says again. “You didn't forget, did you?”

I look at him as if he is speaking Greek. “What?”

“You said you'd take me to buy new cleats after we go to the orthodontist. You promised.”

Yes, I did. Because soccer starts two days from now, and Jesse's outgrown his old pair. But now I do not know if I can drag myself to the orthodontist's, where the receptionist will smile at Kate and tell me, like she always does, how beautiful my children are. And there is something about the thought of going to Sports Authority that seems downright obscene.

“I'm canceling the orthodontist appointment,” I say. “Cool!” He smiles, his silver mouth glinting. “Can we just go get the cleats?”

“Now is not a good time.”

“But—”

“Jesse. Let. It. Go.”

“I can't play if I don't get new shoes. And you're not even doing anything. You're just sitting here.”

“Your sister,” I say evenly, “is incredibly sick. I'm sorry if that interferes with your dentist's appointment or your plan to go buy a pair of cleats. But those don't rate quite as high in the grand scheme of things right now. I'd think that since you're ten, you might be able to grow up enough to realize that the whole world doesn't always revolve around you.”

Jesse looks out the window, where Kate straddles the arm of an oak tree, coaching Anna in how to climb up. “Yeah, right, she's sick,” he says. “Why don't you grow up? Why don't you figure out that the world doesn't revolve around her?”

For the first time in my life I begin to understand how a parent might hit a child—it's because you can look into their eyes and see a reflection of yourself that you wish you hadn't. Jesse runs upstairs to slam the door to his bedroom.

I close my eyes, take a few deep breaths. And it strikes me: not everyone dies of old age. People get run over by cars. People crash in airplanes. People choke on peanuts. There are no guarantees about anything, least of all one's future.

With a sigh I walk upstairs, knock on my son's door. He has just recently discovered music; it throbs through the thin line of light at the base of the door. As Jesse turns down the stereo the notes flatten abruptly. “What.”

“I'd like to talk to you. I'd like to apologize.” There is a scuffle on the other side of the door, and then it swings open. Blood covers Jesse's mouth, a vampire's lipstick; bits of wire stick out like a seamstress's pins. I notice the fork he is holding, and realize this is what he has used to pull off his braces. “Now you never have to take me anywhere,” he says.

Two weeks go by with Kate on ATRA. “Did you know,” Jesse says one day, while I am getting her pill ready, “a giant tortoise can live for 177 years?” He is on a Ripley's Believe It or Not kick. “An Arctic clam can live for 220 years.”

Anna sits at the counter, eating peanut butter with a spoon.

“What's an Arctic clam?”

“Who cares?” Jesse says. "A parrot can live for eighty years. A

cat can live for thirty."

“How about Hercules?” Kate asks.

“It says in my book that with good care, a goldfish can live for seven years.”

Jesse watches Kate put the pill on her tongue, take a swig of water to swallow it. “If you were Hercules,” he says, “you'd already be dead.”

Brian and I slide into our respective chairs in Dr. Chance's office. Five years have passed, but the seats fit like an old baseball glove. Even the photographs on the oncologist's desk have not changed—h is wife is wearing the same broad-brimmed hat on a rocky Newport jetty; his son is frozen at age six, holding a speckled trout—contributing to the feeling that in spite of what I believed, we never really left here.

The ATRA worked. For a month, Kate reverted to molecular remission. And then a CBC turned up more promyelocytes in her blood.

“We can keep pulsing her with ATRA,” Dr. Chance says, "but I think that its failure already tells us she's maxed out that course.”

“What about a bone marrow transplant?"

“That's a risky call—particularly for a child who still isn't showing symptoms of a full-blown clinical relapse.” Dr. Chance looks at us. “There's something else we can try first. It's called a donor lymphocyte infusion—a DLL Sometimes a transfusion of white blood cells from a matched donor can help the original clone of cord blood cells fight the leukemia cells. Think of them as a relief army, supporting the front line.”

“Will it put her into remission?” Brian asks. Dr. Chance shakes his head. “It's a stop-gap measure—Kate will, in all probability, have a full-fledged relapse—but it buys time to build up her defenses before we have to rush into a more aggressive treatment.”

“And how long will it take to get the lymphocytes here?” I ask. Dr. Chance turns to me. “That depends. How soon can you bring in Anna?”

When the elevator doors open there is only one other person inside it, a homeless man with electric blue sunglasses and six plastic grocery bags filled with rags. “Close the doors, dammit,” he yells as soon as we step inside. “Can't you see I'm blind?”

I push the button for the lobby. “I can take Anna in after school. Kindergarten gets out at noon tomorrow.”

“Don't touch my bag,” the homeless man growls.

“I didn't,” I answer, distant and polite.

“I don't think you should,” Brian says.

“I'm nowhere near him!”

“Sara, I meant the DLL I don't think you should take Anna in to donate blood.”

For no reason at all, the elevator stops on the eleventh floor, then closes again.

The homeless man begins to rummage in his plastic bags. “When we had Anna,” I remind Brian, “we knew that she was going to be a donor for Kate.”

“Once. And she doesn't have any memory of us doing that to her.”

I wait until he looks at me. “Would you give blood for Kate?”

“Jesus, Sara, what kind of question—”

“I would, too. I'd give her half my heart, for God's sake, if it helped. You do whatever you have to, when it comes to people you love, right?” Brian ducks his head, nods. “What makes you think that Anna would feel any different?”

The elevator doors open, but Brian and I remain inside, staring at each other. From the back, the homeless man shoves between us, his bounty rustling in his arms. “Stop yelling,” he shouts, though we stand in utter silence. “Can't you tell that I'm deaf?”

To Anna, it is a holiday. Her mother and father are spending time with her, alone. She gets to hold both of our hands the whole way across the parking lot. So what if we're going to a hospital?

I have explained to her that Kate isn't feeling good, and that the doctors need to take something from Anna and give it to Kate to make her feel better. I figured that was more than enough information.

We wait in the examination room, coloring line drawings of pterodactyls and T-Rexes. “Today at snack Ethan said that the dinosaurs all died because they got a cold,” Anna says, “but no one believed him.”

Brian grins. “Why do you think they died?”

“Because, duh, they were a million years old.” She looks up at him. “Did they have birthday parties back then?”

The door opens, and the hematologist comes in. “Hello, gang. Mom, you want to hold her on your lap?”

So I crawl onto the table and settle Anna in my arms. Brian gets stationed behind us, so that he can grab Anna's shoulder and elbow and keep it immobilized. “You ready?” the doctor asks Anna, who is still smiling.

And then she holds up a syringe.

“It's only a little stick,” the doctor promises, exactly the wrong words, and Anna starts thrashing. Her arms clip me in the face, the belly. Brian cannot grab hold of her. Over her screams, he yells at me. “I thought you told her!”

The doctor, who's left the room without me even noticing, returns with several nurses in tow. “Kids and phlebotomy never mix well,” she says, as the nurses slide Anna off my lap and soothe her with their soft hands and softer words. “Don't worry; we're pros.”

It is a deja vu, just like the day Kate was diagnosed. Be careful what you wish for, I think. Anna is just like her sister.

I'm vacuuming the girls' room when the handle of the Electrolux smacks Hercules' bowl and sends the fish flying. No glass breaks, but it takes me a moment to find him, thrashing himself dry on the carpet beneath Kate's desk.

“Hang on, buddy,” I whisper, and I flip him into the bowl. I fill it with water from the bathroom sink.

He floats to the top. Don't, I think. Please.

I sit down on the edge of the bed. How can I possibly tell Kate I've killed her fish? Will she notice if I run to the pet store and get a replacement?

Suddenly Anna is next to me, home from morning kindergarten. “Mommy? How come Hercules isn't moving?”

I open my mouth, a confession melting on my tongue. But at that moment the goldfish shudders sideways, dives, and starts to swim again. “There,” I say. “He's fine.”

When five thousand lymphocytes don't seem to be enough, Dr. Chance calls for ten thousand. Anna's appointment for a second donor lymphocyte draw falls in the middle of the gymnastics birthday party of a girl in her class. I agree to let her go for a little while, and then drive to the hospital from the gym.

The girl is a sugar-spun princess with fairy-white hair, a tiny replica of her mother. As I slip off my shoes to trek across the padded floor, I try desperately to remember their names. The child is… Mallory. And the mother is… Monica? Margaret?

I spot Anna right away, sitting on the trampoline as an instructor bounces them up and down like popcorn. The mother comes over to me, a smile strung on her face like a row of Christmas lights. “You must be Anna's mom. I'm Mittie,” she says. “I'm so sorry she has to leave, but of course, we understand. It must be amazing, going somewhere no one else ever gets to go.”

The hospital? "Well, just hope you never have to do the same.”

“Oh, I know. I get dizzy going up an elevator.“ She turns to the trampoline. ”Anna, honey! Your mother's here!"

Anna barrels across the padded floor. This is exactly what I'd wanted to do to my living room when the kids were all small: cushion the walls and floor and ceiling for protection. And yet it turned out that I could have rolled Kate in bubble wrap, the danger for her was already under the skin.

“What do you say?” I prompt, and Anna thanks Mallory's mother.

“Oh, you're welcome.” She hands Anna a small bag of treats. “Now, have your husband call us anytime. We'd be happy to take Anna while you're in Texas.”

Anna hesitates in the middle of a shoelace knot. “Mittie?” I ask, “what exactly did Anna tell you?”

“That she had to leave early so your whole family could take you to the airport. Because once training starts in Houston, you won't see them until after the flight.”

“The flight?”

“On the space shuttle…?”

For a moment I am stunned—that Anna would make up such a ridiculous story, that this woman would believe it. “I'm not an astronaut,” I confess. “I don't know why Anna would even say something like that.”

I pull Anna to her feet, one shoelace still untied. Dragging her out of the gymnasium, we reach the car before I say a word. “Why did you lie to her?”

Anna scowls. “Why did I have to leave the party?”

Because your sister is more important than cake and ice cream; because I cannot do this for her; because I said so.

I'm so angry that I have to try twice before I can unlock the van. “Stop acting like a five-year-old,” I accuse, and then I remember that's exactly what she is.

“It was so hot,” Brian says, “a silver tea set melted. Pencils were bent in half.”

I look up from the newspaper. “How did it start?”

“Cat and dog chasing each other, when the owners were on vacation. They turned on a Jenn-Air range.” He peels his jeans down, winces. “I got second-degree burns just kneeling on the roof.”

His skin is raw, blistered. I watch him apply Neosporin and gauze. He keeps talking, telling me something about a rookie nick-named Caesar who just joined their company. But my eyes are drawn to the advice column in the newspaper:

 

Dear Abby,

Every time my mother-in-law visits, she insists on cleaning out the refrigerator. My husband says she's just trying to help, but it makes me feel like I'm being judged. She's made my life a wreck. How do I make this woman stop without ruining my marriage?

Sincerely,

Past My Expiration Date, Seattle

 

What sort of woman considers this to be her biggest problem? I picture her scrawling out a note to Dear Abby on linen-blend stationery. I wonder if she's ever felt a baby turn inside her, tiny hands and feet walking in slow circles, as if the inside of a mother is a place to be carefully mapped.

“What are you glued to?” Brian asks, coming to read the column over my shoulder.

I shake my head in disbelief. “A woman whose life is being ruined by rings from jelly jars.”

“Cream gone bad,” Brian adds, chuckling.

“Slimy lettuce. Oh my God, how can she stand to be alive?” We both start laughing then. Contagious, all we have to do is look at each other to laugh even harder.

And then just as suddenly as all this was funny, it isn't anymore. Not all of us live in a world where our refrigerator contents are the barometer for our personal happiness. Some of us work in buildings that are burning down around us. Some of us have little girls who are dying. “Slimy fucking lettuce,” I say, my voice hitching. “It's not fair.”

Brian is across the room in an instant; he folds me into his embrace. “It never is, baby,” he answers.

One month later, we go back for a third lymphocyte donation. Anna and I take our seats in the doctor's office, waiting to be called. After a few minutes, she tugs on my sleeve. “Mommy,” she says.

I glance down at her. Anna is swinging her feet. On her fingernails is Kate's mood-changing nail polish. “What?”

She smiles up at me. “In case I forget to tell you after, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.”

One day my sister arrives unannounced, and with Brian's permission, spirits me away to a penthouse suite at the Ritz Carlton in Boston. “We can do anything you want,” she tells me. “Art museums, Freedom Trail walks, dinners out on the Harbor.” But what I really want to do is just forget, and so three hours later I am sitting on the floor beside her, finishing our second $100 bottle of wine.

I lift the bottle by its neck. “I could have bought a dress with this.”

Zanne snorts. “At Filene's Basement, maybe.” Her feet are on a brocade chair; her body is sprawled on the white carpet. On the TV, Oprah counsels us to minimize our lives. “Plus, when you zip up a great Pinot Noir, you never look fat.”

I look over at her, suddenly feeling sorry for myself.

“No. You’re not doing the crying thing. Crying is not included in the room rate.”

But suddenly all I can think of is how stupid the women on Oprah sound, with their stuffed Filofaxes and crammed closets. I wonder what Brian made for dinner. If Kate's all right. “I'm going to call home.”

She conies up on an elbow. “You are allowed to take a break, you know. No one has to be a martyr twenty-four/seven.”

But I hear her wrong. “I think once you sign on to be a mother, that's the only shift they offer.”

“I said martyr,” Zanne laughs. “Not mother.”

I smile a little. “Is there a difference?”

She takes the telephone receiver out of my hand. “Did you want to get your crown of thorns out of the suitcase first? Listen to yourself, Sara, and stop being such a drama queen. Yes, you drew a bad lot of fate. Yes, it sucks to be you.”

Bright color rises on my cheeks. “You have no idea what my life is like.”

“Neither do you,” Zanne says. “You're not living, Sara. You're waiting for Kate to die.”

“I am not—” I begin, but then I stop. The thing is, I am.

Zanne strokes my hair and lets me cry. “It is so hard sometimes,” I confess, words I have not said to anyone, not even Brian.

“As long as it's not all the time,” Zanne says. “Honey, Kate is not going to die sooner because you have one more glass of wine, or because you stay overnight in a hotel, or because you let yourself crack up at a bad joke. So sit your ass back down and turn up the volume and act like you're a normal person.”

I look around at the opulence of the room, at our decadent sprawl of wine bottles and chocolate strawberries. “Zanne,” I say, wiping my eyes, “this is not what normal people do.”

She follows my gaze. “You're absolutely right.” She picks up the remote control, flipping channels until she finds Jerry Springer. “That better?”

I start to laugh, and then she starts to laugh, and soon the room is spinning around me and we are lying on our backs, staring up at the crown molding edging the ceiling. I suddenly remember how, when we were kids, Zanne used to always walk ahead of me to the bus stop. I could have run and caught up—but I never did. I only wanted to follow her.

Laughter rises like steam, swims through the windows. After three days of a torrential downpour, the kids are delighted to be outside, kicking around a soccer ball with Brian. When life is normal, it is so normal.

I duck into Jesse's room, trying to navigate strewn LEGO pieces and comic books so that I can set his clean clothes down on the bed. Then I go into Kate and Anna's room, and separate their folded laundry.

When I place Kate's T-shirts on her dresser I see it: Hercules is swimming upside down. I reach into the bowl and turn him, holding his tail; he wafts for a few strokes and then floats slowly to the surface, white-bellied and gasping.

I remember Jesse saying that with good care, a fish might live seven years. This has only been seven months.

After carrying the fishbowl into my bedroom, I pick up the phone and dial Information. “Petco,” I say.

When I'm connected, I ask a clerk about Hercules. “Do you, like, want to buy a new fish?” she asks. “No, I want to save this one.”

“Ma'am,” the girl says, “we're talking about a goldfish, right?” So I call three vets, none of whom treat fish. I watch Hercules in his death throes for another minute, and then ring the oceanography department at URI, asking for any professor that's available. Dr. Orestes studies tide pools, he tells me. Mollusks and shellfish and sea urchins, not goldfish. But I find myself telling him about my daughter, who has APL. About Hercules, who survived once against all odds.

The marine biologist is silent for a moment. “Have you changed his water?”

“This morning.”

"You get a lot of rain down there the past couple of days?”

“Yes."

“Got a well?”

What does that have to do with anything? “Yes…”

“It's just a hunch, but with runoff, your water might have too many minerals in it. Fill the bowl with bottled water, and maybe he'll perk up.”

So I empty out Hercules' bowl, scrub it, and add a half-gallon of Poland Spring. It takes twenty minutes, but then Hercules begins to swim around. He navigates between the lobes of the fake plant. He nibbles at food.

Kate finds me watching him a half hour later. “You didn't have to change the water. I did it this morning.”

“Oh, I didn't know,” I lie.

She presses her face up to the glass bowl, her smile magnified. “Jesse says goldfish can only pay attention for nine seconds,” Kate says, “but I think Hercules knows exactly who I am.”

I touch her hair. And wonder if I have used up my miracle.

 

ANNA

If YOU LISTEN TO ENOUGH INFOMERCIALS you start to believe some crazy things: that Brazilian honey can be used as leg wax, that knives can cut metal, that the power of positive thinking can work like a pair of wings to get you where you need to be. Thanks to a little bout of insomnia and way too many doses of Tony Robbins, I decided one day to force myself into imagining what it would be like after Kate died. That way, or so Tony vowed, when it really happened, I'd be ready.

I kept at it for weeks. It is harder than you think to keep yourself in the future, especially when my sister was walking around at the time being her usual pain-in-the-butt self. My way of dealing with this was to pretend Kate was already haunting me. When I stopped talking to her, she figured she'd done something wrong, which she probably had, anyway. There were entire days where I did nothing but cry; others where I felt like I'd swallowed a lead plate; some more where I worked really hard at going through the motions of getting dressed and making my bed and studying my vocab words because it was easier than doing anything else.

But then, there were times when I let the veil lift a little, and other ideas would pop up. Like what it would be like to study oceanography at the University of Hawaii. Or try skydiving. Or move to Prague. Or any of a million other pipe dreams. I'd try to stuff myself into one of these scenarios, but it was like wearing a size five sneaker when your foot is a seven—you can get by for a few steps, and then you sit down and pull off the shoe because it just plain hurts too much. I am convinced that there is a censor sitting on my brain with a red stamp, reminding me what I am not supposed to even think about, no matter how seductive it might be.

It's probably a good thing. I have a feeling that if I really try to figure out who I am without Kate in the equation, I'm not going to like who I see.

My parents and I are sitting together at a table in the hospital cafeteria, although I use the word together loosely. It's more like we're astronauts, each wearing a separate helmet, each sustained by our own private source of air. My mother has the little rectangular container of sugar packets in front of her. She is organizing them with ruthlessness, the Equal and then the Sweet 'n Low and then the nubbly brown natural crystals. She looks up at me. “Honey.”

Why are terms of endearment always foods? Honey, cookie, sugar, pumpkin. It's not like caring about someone is enough to actually sustain you.

“I understand what you're trying to do here,” my mother continues. “And I agree that maybe your father and I need to listen to you a little bit more. But Anna, we don't need a judge to help us do this.”

My heart is a soft sponge at the base of my throat. “You mean it's okay to stop?”

When she smiles, it feels like the first warm day of March—after an eternity of snow, when you suddenly remember how summer feels on the backs of your bare calves and in the part of your hair. “That's exactly what I mean,” my mother says.

No more blood draws. No granulocytes or lymphocytes or stem cells or kidney. “If you want, I'll tell Kate,” I offer. “So you don't have to.”

“That's all right. Once Judge DeSalvo knows, we can pretend it never happened.”

In the back of my mind, a hammer trips. “But… won't Kate ask why I'm not her donor anymore?”

My mother goes very still. “When I said stop, I meant the lawsuit.” I shake my head hard, as much to give her an answer as to dislodge the knot of words tangled in my gut.

“My God, Anna,” my mother says, stunned. “What have we done to you to deserve this?”

“It's not what you've done to me.”

“It's what we haven't done, right?”

“You aren't listening to me!” I yell, and at that very moment, Vern Stackhouse walks up to our table.

The deputy looks from me to my mother to my father and forces a smile. “Guess this isn't the best time to interrupt,” he says. “I'm real sorry about this, Sara. Brian.” He hands my mother an envelope, nods, and walks off.

She pulls out the paper inside and reads it, then turns to me. “What did you say to him?” she demands. “To who?”

My father picks up the notice. It is full of legal language, which might as well be Greek. “What's this?”

“A motion for a temporary restraining order.” She grabs it from my father. “Do you realize you're asking to have me kicked out of the house, and to have no contact with you? Is that really what you want?” Kick her out? I can't breathe. “I never asked for that.”

“Well, an attorney wouldn't have filed it on his own behalf, Anna.” Do you know how sometimes—when you are riding your bike and you start skidding across sand, or when you miss a step and start tumbling down the stairs—you have those long, long seconds to know that you are going to be hurt, and badly? “I don't know what's going on,” I say.

“Then how can you think you're qualified to make decisions for yourself?” My mother stands so abruptly her chair clatters to the cafeteria floor. “If this is what you want, Anna, we can start right now.” Her voice, it's thick and rough as rope the moment before she leaves me.

About three months ago, I borrowed Kate's makeup. Okay, so borrowed wouldn't be the right word, exactly: stole. I didn't have any of my own; I wasn't supposed to be allowed to wear it until I turned fifteen. But a miracle had happened, and Kate wasn't around to ask, and desperate times call for desperate measures.

The miracle was five-eight, with hair the color of Silver Queen corn silk and a smile that made me feel like I'd been spinning in circles. His name was Kyle and he'd moved from Idaho, right into the homeroom seat behind mine. He didn't know anything about me or my family, so when he asked me if I wanted to go to a movie with him I knew it wasn't because he felt sorry for me. We saw the new Spider-Man movie, or at least he did. I spent all my time trying to figure out how electricity could leap the tiny space between my arm and his.

When I came home, I still was walking about six inches above the ground, which is why Kate was able to blindside me. She knocked me onto my bed, pinned me by my shoulders. “You thief,” she accused. “You went into my bathroom drawer without asking.”

“You take my things all the time. You borrowed my blue sweatshirt two days ago.”

“That's totally different. You can wash a sweatshirt.”

“How come it's okay to have my germs floating around your arteries, but not on your freaking Max Factor Cherry Bomb lip gloss?” I shoved a little harder, and managed to roll us, so that now I had the upper hand.

Her eyes lit up. “Who was it?”

“What are you talking about?”

“If you're wearing makeup, Anna, there must have been a reason.”

“Get lost,” I said.

“Fuck off.” Kate smiled at me. Then she reached one free hand under my arm and tickled me, taking me by surprise so much that I let go of her. A minute later we had wrestled off the bed, each of us trying to get the other to cry uncle. “Anna, stop already,” Kate gasped. “You're killing me.”

Those words, they were all it took. My hands fell off her as if I'd been burned. We lay shoulder to shoulder between our beds, staring up at the ceiling and breathing hard, both of us pretending that what she'd said had not cut quite so close to the bone.

In the car, my parents fight. Maybe we should hire a real lawyer, my father says, and my mother replies, / am one.

But Sara, my father says, if this isn't going to go away, all I'm saying is—

What are you saying, Brian? she challenges. What are you really saying? That some man in a suit whom you've never met would be able to explain Anna better than her own mother? And then my father drives the rest of the way in silence.

To my shock, there are TV cameras waiting on the steps of the Garrahy building. I'm sure they're here for something really big, so imagine my surprise when a microphone gets stuck into my face, and a reporter with helmet hair asks me why I am suing my parents. My mother pushes the woman away. “My daughter has no comment,” she says, over and over; and when one guy asks if I'm aware that I am Rhode Island's first designer baby, I think for a minute she might actually deck him.

I've known since I was seven how I was conceived, and it wasn't that huge a deal. First off, my parents told me when the thought of them having sex was far more disgusting than the thought of creation in a petri dish. Second, by then tons of people were having fertility drugs and septuplets and my story wasn't really all that original anymore. But a designer baby? Yeah, right. If my parents were going to go to all that trouble, you'd think they'd have made sure to implant the genes for obedience, humility, and gratitude.

My father sits next to me on a bench, his hands knotted between his knees. Inside the judge's chambers, my mother and Campbell Alexander are verbally slugging it out. Here in the hallway, we're unnaturally quiet, as if they've taken all possible words with them and left us with nothing.

I hear a woman curse, and then Julia rounds the bend. “Anna. Sorry I'm late; I couldn't get past the media. Are you all right?”

I nod, and then I shake my head.

Julia kneels down in front of me. “Do you want your mother to leave the house?”

“No!” To my utter embarrassment, my eyes get glassy with tears. “I've changed my mind. I don't want to do this anymore. None of it.”

She looks at me for a long moment, then nods. “Let me go in and talk to the judge.”

When she leaves, I concentrate on getting air into my lungs. There are so many things I have to work hard at now, that I used to be able to carry out instinctively—draw in oxygen, keep my silence, do the right thing. The weight of my father's eyes on me makes me turn. “Did you mean it?” he asks. “About not wanting to do this anymore?”

I don't answer. I don't move a fraction of an inch.

“Because if you're still not sure, maybe it's not such a bad idea, having some breathing space. I mean, I've got that extra bed in my room at the station.” He rubs the back of his neck. “It wouldn't be like we were moving out, or anything. Just. ..” He looks at me.

“… breathing,” I finish, and do just that.

My father stands up and holds out his hand. We walk out of the Garrahy Complex, side by side. The reporters come on like wolves, but this time, their questions bounce right off me. My chest feels full of glitter and helium, the way it used to when I was little and riding my father's shoulders at twilight, when I knew that if I held up my hands and spread my fingers like a net, I could catch the coming stars.

 

CAMPBELL

THERE MAY BE A SPECIAL CORNER of Hell for attorneys who are shamelessly self-aggrandizing, but you can bet we all are ready for our close-ups. When I arrive at the family court to find a horde of reporters on parade, I offer around sound bites as if they are candy, and make sure that the cameras are on me. I say the appropriate things about how this case is unorthodox, but ultimately painful for everyone involved. I hint that the judge's ruling may affect the rights of minors nationwide, as well as stem cell research. Then I smooth the jacket of my Armani suit, tug on Judge's leash, and explain that I really must go speak to my client.

Inside, Vern Stackhouse catches my eye and gives me a thumbs-up. I'd run into the deputy earlier, and very innocently asked whether his sister, a reporter for the ProJo, would be coming down today. “I can't really say anything,” I hinted, “but the hearing … it's going to be pretty big.”

In that special corner of Hell, there's probably a throne for those of us who try to capitalize off our pro bono work.

Minutes later, we are in chambers. “Mr. Alexander.” Judge DeSalvo lifts up the motion for a restraining order. “Would you like to tell me why you've filed this, when I explicitly addressed the issue yesterday?”

“I had my initial meeting with the guardian ad litem, Judge,” I reply. “While Ms. Romano was present, Sara Fitzgerald told my client the lawsuit was a misunderstanding that would work itself out.” I slide my glance toward Sara, who shows no emotion but a tightening of her jaw. “This is a direct violation of your order, Your Honor. Although this court tried to fashion conditions that would keep the family together, I don't think it's going to work until Mrs. Fitzgerald finds it possible to mentally separate her role as parent from her role as opposing counsel. Until then, a physical separation is necessary.”

Judge DeSalvo taps his fingers on the desk. “Mrs. Fitzgerald? Did you say those things to Anna?”

“Well, of course I did!” Sara explodes. “I'm trying to get to the bottom of this!”

The admission is a circus tent collapsing, leaving all of us in utter silence. Julia chooses that moment to burst through the door. “Sorry I'm late,” she says, breathless.

“Ms. Romano,” the judge asks, “have you had a chance to speak to Anna today?”

“Yes, just now.” She looks at me, and then at Sara. “I think she's very confused.”

“What's your opinion of the motion Mr. Alexander's filed?” She tucks an errant coil of hair behind one ear. “I don't think I have enough information to make a formal decision, but my gut feeling says it would be a mistake for Anna's mother to be removed from the house.”

Immediately, I tense. Reacting, the dog gets to his feet. "Judge, Mrs. Fitzgerald just admitted that she violated the court's order. At the very least she should be reported to the bar for ethical violations, and—'

“Mr. Alexander, there is more to this case than the letter of the law.” Judge DeSalvo turns to Sara. “Mrs. Fitzgerald, I strongly recommend you look into hiring an independent attorney to represent you and your husband in this petition. I am not going to grant the restraining order today, but I will warn you once again not to talk with your child about this case until the hearing next week. If it comes to my attention at some future date that you have ignored this directive once again, I will report you to the bar myself and personally escort you from your home.” He smacks the file folder shut and gets up. “Do not bother me again until Monday, Mr. Alexander.”

“I need to see my client,” I announce, and I hurry out to the hallway where I know Anna is waiting with her father.

Sara Fitzgerald, predictably, is right at my heels. Following her—intent on keeping the peace, no doubt—is Julia. All three of us come to an abrupt stop at the sight of Vern Stackhouse, dozing on the bench where Anna was sitting. “Vern?” I say.

He immediately leaps to his feet, clearing his throat defensively. “It's a lumbar problem. Gotta sit down every now and then to take the pressure off.”

“You know where Anna Fitzgerald went?”

He jerks his head toward the front door of the building. “She and her dad took off a while ago.”

From the look on Sara's face, this is news to her, too. “Do you need a ride back to the hospital?” Julia asks.

She shakes her head and peers through the glass doors, where the reporters have rallied. “Is there a back way out?”

At my side, Judge begins to stick his muzzle into my hand. Damn.

Julia steers Sara Fitzgerald toward the rear of the building. “I need to talk to you,” she calls over her shoulder to me.

I wait for her to turn her back. Then I promptly grab Judge's harness and haul him down a corridor.

“Hey!” A moment later, Julia's heels strike the tile behind me. “I said I wanted to talk to you!”

For a minute I seriously consider ducking out a window. Then I stop abruptly, turn, and offer up my most engaging smile. “Technically speaking, you said you needed to talk to me. If you'd said you wanted to talk to me, I might have waited around.” Judge sinks his teeth into the corner of my suit, my expensive Armani suit, and tugs. “Right now, though, I have a meeting to get to.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she says. "You told me you talked to Anna about her mother and that we were all on the same page.'

“I did, and we were—Sara was coercing her, and Anna wanted that to stop. I explained the alternatives.”

"Alternatives? She's a thirteen-year-old girl. Do you know how many kids I see whose take on a trial is completely different from their parents'? A mother comes in and promises that her child will testify against a child molester, because she wants the perp put away for life. But the child doesn't care what happens to the perp, as long as he never has to be in the same room as the guy again. Or he thinks that maybe the perp should get another chance, just like his parents give him when he's bad. You can't expect Anna to be like a normal adult client. She doesn't have the emotional capability to make decisions independent of her home situation.”

“Well, that's the point of this whole petition,“ I say. ”As a matter of fact, Anna told me, not a half hour ago, that she's changed her mind about this whole petition.“ Julia raises a brow. ”Didn't know that, did you?"

“She hasn't talked to me about it.”

“That's because you're talking about the wrong things. You had a conversation with her about a legal way to keep her from being pressured to call off the lawsuit. Of course she jumped all over that. But do you really think she was considering what it might truly mean—that there would be one less parent home to cook or drive or help her with homework, that she wouldn't be able to kiss her mother good night, that the rest of her family would most likely be very upset with her? All she heard, when you talked, were the words no pressure. She never heard separation.”

Judge begins to whine in earnest. “I have to go.” She follows me. “Where?”

“I told you, I have an appointment.” The corridor is lined with rooms, all locked. Finally I find a knob that turns in my hand. I walk inside and bolt the door behind me. “Gentlemen,” I say heartily.

Julia rattles the knob. She bangs on the smoky postage-stamp square of glass. I feel sweat break out on my forehead. “You're not getting away this time,” she yells through the door at me. “I'm still waiting right here.”

“I'm still busy,” I yell back. When Judge pushes his snout in front of me, I sink my fingers into the thick fur at his neck. “It's okay,” I tell him, and then I turn around to face the empty room.

 

JESSE

EVERY NOW AND THEN I have to contradict myself and believe in God, such as at this very moment when I come home to find a bodacious babe on my doorstep, one who gets to her feet and asks me if I know Jesse Fitzgerald. “Who's asking?” I say. “Me.”

I give her my most charming smile. “Then here I am.” Let me just step back for a moment and tell you that she's older than me, but with every glance that makes less and less of a difference—she's got hair I could get lost in, and a mouth so soft and full I have a hard time tearing my eyes away to check out the rest of her. I'm itching to get my hands on her skin—even the ordinary parts—just to see if it feels as smooth as it looks.

“I'm Julia Romano,” she says. “I'm a guardian ad litem.”

All the violins soaring in my veins screech to a stop. “Is that like a cop?”

“No, I'm an attorney, and I'm working with a judge to help your sister.”

“You mean Kate?”

Something in her face tightens. “I mean Anna. She filed a lawsuit for medical emancipation from your parents.”

“Oh, yeah. I know about that.”

“Really?” This seems to surprise her, as if defiance is something Anna's cornered the market on. “Do you happen to know where she is?”

I glance at the house, dark and empty. “Am I my sister's keeper?” I say. Then I grin at her. “If you feel like waiting, you can come up and see my etchings.”

To my shock, she agrees. “Actually, that's not a bad idea. I'd like to talk to you.”

I lean against the door again and cross my arms, so that my biceps flex. I give her the grin that's stopped half the female population of Roger Williams University in their tracks. “You got plans for tonight?”

She stares at me like I've just spoken Greek. No, damn, she'd probably understand Greek. Martian. Or freaking Vulcan. “Are you asking me out on a date?”

“I'm sure as hell trying,” I say.

“You're sure as hell failing,” she responds flatly. “I'm old enough to be your mother.”

“You have the most fantastic eyes.” By eyes, I mean tits, but whatever.

Julia Romano chooses that moment to button her suit jacket, which makes me laugh out loud. “Why don't we just talk here?”

“Whatever,” I say, and I lead her up to my apartment.

Given what it usually looks like, the place isn't so bad. The dishes on the counter are only a day or two old; and spilled cereal isn't nearly as bad to come home to after a full day as spilled milk. On the middle of the floor is a bucket and rag and container of gas; I'm working up some flresticks. There are clothes all over the floor, some artfully arranged to minimize the effect of a leak in my moonshine still.

“What do you think?” I smile at her. “Martha Stewart would love it, huh?”

“Martha Stewart would make you her life project,” Julia murmurs. She sits down on the couch, leaps up, and removes a handful of potato chips that have, holy God, already left a grease print in the shape of a heart on her sweet ass.

“You want a drink?” Don't let it be said my mother never taught me manners.

She glances around, then shakes her head. “I'll pass.”

Shrugging, I pull a Labatt's out of the fridge. “So there's been a little fallout along the home front?”

“Wouldn't you know?”

“I try not to.”

“How come?”

“Because it's what I do best.” Grinning, I take a nice long pull of my beer. “Although this is one blowout I would've loved to see.”

“Tell me about Kate and Anna.”

“What am I supposed to tell you?” I swing down next to her on the couch, way too close. On purpose.

“How do you get along with them?”

I lean forward. “Why, Ms. Romano. Are you asking me if I play nice?” When she doesn't as much as blink, I knock off the act. “They survive me,” I answer. “Like everyone else.”

This answer must interest her, because she writes something down on her little white pad. “What was it like, growing up in this family?”

A dozen flip responses work their way up my throat, but the one that comes out Is a totally dark horse. “When I was twelve, there was this time Kate got sick—not even big sick, just an infection, but she couldn't seem to get rid of it by herself. So they took Anna in to give granulocytes—white blood cells. It wasn't like Kate planned it or anything, but it happened to be Christmas Eve. We were supposed to all go out as a family, you know, and get a tree.” I pull a pack of smokes from my pocket. “You mind?” I ask, but I never give her a chance to answer before I light up. “I was shuttled over to some neighbor's house last minute, which sucked, because they were having a nice Christmas Eve with their relatives and kept whispering about me like I was a charity case and deaf to boot. Anyway, that all got lame pretty fast, so I said I had to pee and I snuck out. I walked home and took one of my dad's axes and a handsaw and chopped down this little spruce in the middle of the front yard. By the time the neighbor figured out I was gone, I had the whole thing set up in our living room in the tree stand, garland, ornaments, you name it.”

In my mind, I can still see those lights—red and blue and yellow, blinking over and over on a tree as overdressed as an Eskimo in Bali. “So Christmas morning, my parents come to the neighbors to collect me. They look like hell, the both of them, but when they bring me home there are presents under the tree. I'm all excited and I find one with my name on it, and it turns out to be this little windup car—something that would have been great for a three-year-old, but not me, and that I happened to know was for sale in the hospital gift shop. As was every single other present I got that year. Go freaking figure.” I stab my cigarette butt out on the thigh of my jeans. “They never even said anything about the tree,” I tell her. “That's what it's like growing up in this family.”

“Do you think it's the same for Anna?”

“No. Anna's on their radar, because she plays into their grand plan for Kate.”

“How do your parents decide when Anna will help Kate medically?” she asks.

“You make it sound like there's some process involved. Like there's actually a choice.”

She lifts her head. “Isn't there?”

I ignore her, because that's a rhetorical question if I've ever heard one, and stare out the window. In the front yard, you can still see the stump from that spruce. No one in this family ever covers up their mistakes.

When I was seven I got it in my head to dig to China. How hard could it be, I figured—a straight shot, a tunnel? I took a shovel out of the garage and I started a hole just wide enough for me to slip into. Every night I would drag the old plastic sandbox cover across it, just in case of rain.

For four weeks I worked at this, as the rocks bit into my arms to make battle scars, and roots grabbed at my ankles.

What I didn't count on were the tall walls that grew around me, or the belly of the planet, hot under my sneakers. Digging straight down, I'd gotten hopelessly lost. In a tunnel, you have to light your own way, and I've never been very good at that.

When I yelled out, my father found me in seconds, although I'm sure I waited through several lives. He crawled into the pit, torn between my hard work and my stupidity. “This could have collapsed on you!” he said, and lifted me onto solid ground.

From that point of view, I realized that my hole was not miles deep after all. My father, in fact, could stand on the bottom and it only reached up to his chest.

Darkness, you know, is relative.

 

BRIAN

IT TAKES ANNA LESS THAN TEN MINUTES to move into my room at the station. While she puts her clothes into a drawer and sets her hairbrush next to mine on the dresser, I go out to the kitchen where Paulie is chefing up dinner. The guys are all waiting for an explanation.

“She's going to stay with me here for a while,” I say. “We're working some things out.”

Caesar looks up from a magazine. “Is she gonna ride with us?”

I haven't thought of this. Maybe it will take her mind off things, to feel like she's an apprentice of sorts. “You know, she just might.”

Paulie turns around. He's making fajitas tonight, beef. “Everything okay, Cap?”