OLLY HELD THE TINY ENVELOPE tightly in her hands and glanced up at the clock on the wall over the kitchen table. It was twelve-fifteen. Usually Sharon and Denise would have called her by now, all excited to hear about what was inside the envelope. But so far neither of them had called. It seemed news of an engagement and a pregnancy beat the news of a message from Gerry these days. Holly scorned herself for being so bitter; she wanted to be happy for her friends, she wanted to be back in the restaurant right now celebrating their good news with them like the old Holly would have done. But she couldn't bring herself even to smile for them.

She was jealous of them and their good fortune. She was angry with them for moving on without her. Even in the company of friends she felt alone; in a room of a thousand people she would feel alone. But mostly when she roamed the rooms of her quiet house she felt so alone.

She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt truly happy, when somebody or something caused her to laugh so hard her stomach pained her and her jaw ached. She missed going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on her mind, she missed enjoying eating food instead of it becoming something she just had to endure in order to stay alive, she hated the butterflies she got in her tummy every time she remembered Gerry. She missed enjoying watching her favorite television programs instead of their just becoming something she would stare at blankly to pass the hours. She hated feeling like she had no reason to wake up; she hated the feeling when she did wake up. She hated the feeling of having no excitement or anything to look forward to. She missed the feeling of being loved, of knowing Gerry was watching her as she watched television or ate her dinner. She missed sensing his eyes on her as she entered a room; she missed his touches, his hugs, his words of advice, his words of love.

She hated counting down the days till she could read another one of his messages because they were all she had left of him, and after this one there would be only three more. And she hated to think of what her life might be like when there would be no more Gerry. Memories were fine, but you couldn't touch them, smell them or hold them. They were never exactly as the moment had been, and they faded with time.

So damn Sharon and Denise, they could go on with their happy lives, but for the next few months all Holly had was Gerry. She wiped a tear from her face, tears had become such a permanent feature on her face the past few months, and she slowly opened her seventh envelope.

Shoot for the moon, and if you miss you'll still be among the stars.

Promise me you will find a job you love this time!

PS, I love you . . .

Holly read and reread the letter, trying to discover how it made her feel. She had been dreading going back to work for such a long time now, had believed that she wasn't ready to move on, that it was too soon. But now she knew she had no choice. It was time. And if Gerry said it was to be, it would be. Holly's face broke into a smile. "I promise, Gerry," she said happily. Well, it was no holiday to Lanzarote, but at least it was one step further to getting her life back on track. She studied his writing for a long time after reading it, as she always did, and when she was satisfied with the fact she had analyzed every word, she rushed over to the kitchen drawer, took out a notepad and pen and began to write her own list of possible jobs.

LIST OF POSSIBLE JOBS

1.FBI Agent?-Am not American. Do not want to live in America. Have no police experience.

2.Lawyer-Hated school. Hated studying. Do not want to go to college for ten million years.

3.Doctor-Ugghh.

4.Nurse-Unflattering uniforms.

5.Waitress-Would eat all the food.

6.Professional people-spotter-Nice idea, but no one would pay me.

7.Beautician-Bite my nails and wax as rarely as possible. Do not want to see areas of other people's bodies.

8.Hairdresser-Would not like boss like Leo.

9.Retail assistant-Would not like boss like Denise.

10.Secretary-NEVER AGAIN.

11.Journalist-Cont spill properly enuff. Ha-ha, should be comedienne.

12.Comedienne-Reread last joke. Wasn't funny.

13.Actress-Could not possibly outdo my wonderful performance in the critically acclaimed "Girls and the City."

14.Model-Too small, too fat, too old.

15.Singer-Rethink idea of comedienne (number 12).

16.Hotshot businesswoman in control of life-Hmm . . . Must do research tomorrow . . .

Holly finally collapsed onto her bed at three in the morning and dreamed of being a big hotshot advertising woman making a presentation in front of a huge conference table on the top floor of a skyscraper overlooking Grafton Street. Well, he did say aim for the moon . . . She woke up early that morning excited from her dreams of success, had a quick shower, beautified herself and walked down to her local library to look up jobs on the Internet.

Her heels made a loud noise on the wooden floor as she walked across the room to the librarian's desk, which caused several people to look up from their books and stare at her. She continued clattering across the huge room and her face blushed as she realized everyone was watching her. She slowed down immediately and started to tiptoe so as not to attract any more attention. She felt like one of the cartoon characters on TV that hugely exaggerated their tiptoeing, and her face flared up even more when she realized she must have looked like a complete idiot. A couple of schoolkids dressed in their uniforms who were obviously playing truant for the day sniggered together as she made her way past their table. Holly stopped her weird walk halfway between the door and the librarian's desk and tried to decide what to do next.

"Shush!" The librarian scowled over at the schoolkids. More people looked up from their books to watch the woman standing in the middle of the room. She decided to keep on walking and quickened her pace. Her heels clicked loudly on the floor and echoed around the room and the sound got faster and faster as she raced to the desk in order to end this humiliation.

The librarian looked up and smiled and tried to appear surprised to see someone standing at the counter. As if she hadn't heard Holly thudding across the room.

"Hi," Holly whispered quietly, "I was wondering if I could use the Internet."

"Excuse me?" The librarian spoke normally and moved her head closer to Holly so she could hear.

"Oh," Holly cleared her throat, wondering what happened to having to whisper in libraries, "I was wondering if I could use the Internet."

"No problem, they're just over there," she smiled, directing her over to the row of computers on the far side of the room. "It's five euro for every twenty minutes online."

Holly handed over her last ten euro. It was all she had managed to take out of her bank account that morning.

She had kept a long line of people waiting behind her at the ATM machine as she worked her way down from one hundred euro to ten as the ATM embarrassingly beeped every time she entered a sum of money to let her know she had "insufficient funds." She couldn't believe that was all she had left, but it had given her even more reason to go job-hunting immediately.

"No no," the librarian said, handing back her money, "you can pay when you finish."

Holly stared across the floor to the computers. She would have to make another big noise just to get there. She took a deep breath and raced over, passing rows and rows of tables. Holly nearly laughed at the sight of everyone; it was almost like dominos as she passed, each head arose from a book to stare at her. Finally she reached the computers and realized that there were none free. She felt like she had just lost a game of musical chairs and that everyone was laughing at her. This was getting ridiculous. She raised her hands angrily at them as if to say, "What are you all looking at?" and they quickly buried their heads in their books again.

Holly stood in the center of the floor between the rows of tables and computers, drummed her fingers on her handbag and looked around. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head as she spotted Richard tapping away on one of the computers. She tiptoed over to him and touched him on the shoulder. He jumped with fright and swirled around in his chair.

"Hiya," she whispered.

"Oh hello, Holly, what are you doing here?" he said uneasily, as though she had caught him doing something naughty.

"I'm just waiting for a computer," she explained. "I'm finally looking for a job," she said proudly. Even saying the words made her feel like less of a vegetable.

"Oh right." He turned to face his computer and shut down the screen. "You can use this one so."

"Oh no, you don't have to rush for me!" she said quickly.

"Not at all. I was just doing some research for work." He stood up from his chair and made room for her to sit down.

"All the way over here?" she said, surprised. "Don't they have computers in Blackrock?" she joked. She wasn't quite sure what exactly it was that Richard did for a living, and it would seem rude to ask him after he'd worked there more than ten years. She knew it involved wearing a white coat, wandering around a lab and dropping colorful substances into test tubes. Holly and Jack had always said he was making a secret potion to rid the world of happiness. She felt bad now for ever saying that. While Holly couldn't imagine ever being truly close to Richard, and he would probably always drive her crazy, she was coming to realize he had his good qualities. Like giving her his space at the library computer, for one.

"My work brings me everywhere," Richard joked awkwardly.

"Shush!" the librarian said loudly. Holly's audience once again looked up from their books. Oh, so now she was supposed to whisper, Holly thought angrily.

Richard said a quick good-bye, made his way over to pay at the desk and slipped quietly out of the room.

Holly sat down at the computer and the man beside her smiled strangely at her. She smiled back and glimpsed nosily at his computer screen. She looked away quickly and nearly gagged at the sight of the porn on his screen. He continued to stare at her with a scary smile on his face while Holly ignored him and became engrossed in her job-hunting.

Forty minutes later she shut down the computer happily, made her way to the librarian and placed her ten euro on the desk. The woman tapped away on the computer and ignored the money on the counter. "That's fifteen euro, please."

Holly gulped as she looked down at her note, "But I thought you said it was five for twenty minutes."

"Yes, that's right," she smiled at her.

"But I was only online for forty minutes."

"Actually, you were on for forty-four minutes, which cuts into the extra twenty minutes," she said, consulting her computer.

Holly giggled, "But that's only a few minutes more. It's hardly worth five euro."

The librarian just continued to smile back at her.

"So you expect me to pay?" Holly asked, surprised.

"Yes, that's the rate."

Holly lowered her voice and moved her head closer to the woman. "Look, this is really embarrassing, but I actually only have the ten on me now. Is there any way I can come back with the rest later on today?"

The librarian shook her head. "I'm sorry, but we can't allow that. You need to pay the entire amount."

"But I don't have the entire amount," Holly protested.

The lady stared back blankly.

"Fine," Holly huffed, taking out her mobile.

"Sorry, but you can't use that in here." She pointed to the NO MOBILE PHONES sign on the counter.

Holly looked up slowly at her and counted to five in her head. "If you won't let me use my phone, well then I can't phone somebody for help. If I can't phone somebody, then they can't come down here to give me the money. If they don't come down here with the money, well then I can't pay you. So we have a little problem here, don't we?" she raised her voice.

The lady shuffled nervously from foot to foot.

"Can I go outside to use the phone?"

The lady thought about the dilemma. "Well, usually we don't allow people to leave the premises without paying, but I suppose I can make an exception." She smiled and then added quickly, "As long as you stand just in front of the entrance there."

"Where you can see me?" Holly said sarcastically.

The lady nervously shuffled papers below the counter and pretended to go back to work.

Holly stood outside the door and thought about who to call. She couldn't call Denise and Sharon. Although they would probably rush home from work for her, she didn't want them to know about her failures in life now that they were both so blissfully happy. She couldn't call Ciara because she was on a day shift at Hogan's pub, and seeing as Holly already owed Daniel twenty euro, she didn't think it would be wise to call her sister away from work for the sake of five euro. Jack was back teaching at the school, Abbey was too, Declan was at college and Richard wasn't even an option.

Tears rolled down her face as she scrolled down through the list of names in her phone book. The majority of people in her phone hadn't even called her since Gerry had died, which meant she had no other friends to call.

She turned her back on the librarian so she wouldn't see that she was upset. What should she do? How embarrassing her situation was to actually have to call somebody to ask for five euro. It was even more humiliating that she had absolutely nobody to call. But she had to or the snotty librarian would probably call the police on her. She dialed the first number that came into her head.

"Hi, this is Gerry, please leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

"Gerry," Holly said crying, "I need you . . ."

Holly stood outside the door of the library and waited. The librarian kept a close watch on her just in case she ran off. Holly made a face at her and turned her back to her.

"Stupid bitch," she growled.

Finally her mum's car pulled up outside and Holly tried to make herself appear as normal as she could.

Watching her mother's happy face driving in and parking in the car park brought back memories. Her mum used to collect her from school every day when she was younger and she was always so relieved to see that familiar car come to rescue her after her hellish day in school. Holly had always hated school, well, she had until she met Gerry. Then she would look forward to going to school each day so they could sit together and flirt down the back of the class.

Holly's eyes filled with tears again and Elizabeth rushed over to her and wrapped her arms around her baby.

"Oh, my poor poor Holly, what happened, love?" she said, stroking her hair and casting evil glances in at the librarian as Holly explained the story.

"OK, love, why don't you wait out in the car and I'll go in and deal with her." Holly did as she was told and sat in the car flicking through the radio stations as her mum confronted the school bully.

"Silly cow," her mother grumbled as she climbed back into the car. She looked over at her daughter, who looked so lost. "Why don't we go home and we can relax?"

Holly smiled gratefully and a tear trickled down her face. Home. She liked the sound of that.

Holly snuggled up on the couch with her mum in Portmarnock. She felt like a teenager again. She and her mum used to always cuddle up on the couch and fill each other in on all the gossip in their lives. She wished she could have the same giggling conversations with her now as she used to have then. Her mum broke into her thoughts, "I rang you last night at home, were you out?" She took a sip of her tea.

Oh, the wonders of the magical tea. The answer to all of life's little problems. You have a gossip and you make a cup of tea, you get fired from your job and you have a cup of tea, your husband tells you he has a brain tumor and you have a cup of tea . . .

"Yeah, I went out to dinner with the girls and about a hundred other people I didn't know." Holly rubbed her eyes tiredly.

"How are the girls?" Elizabeth said fondly. She had always gotten along well with Holly's friends, unlike Ciara's friends, who terrified her.

Holly took a sip of her tea. "Sharon's pregnant and Denise got engaged," she said, still staring off into space.

"Oh," Elizabeth squeaked, not sure how to react in front of her obviously distressed daughter. "How do you feel about that?" she asked softly, brushing a hair away from Holly's face.

Holly stared down at her hands and tried to compose herself. She wasn't successful and her shoulders began to tremble and she tried to hide her face behind her hair.

"Oh Holly," Elizabeth said sadly, putting her cup down and moving closer to her daughter. "It's perfectly normal to feel like this."

Holly couldn't even manage to get any words out of her mouth.

The front door banged and Ciara announced to the house, "We're hoooome!"

"Great," Holly sniffed, resting her head on her mum's chest.

"Where is everyone?" Ciara shouted, banging doors closed around the house.

"Just a minute, love," Elizabeth called out, angry that her moment with Holly was ruined.

"I have news!" Ciara's voice got louder as she got nearer to the living room. Mathew burst open the door carrying Ciara in his arms. "Me and Mathew are moving back to Australia!" she yelled happily into the room.

She froze as she saw her upset sister in her mum's arms. She quickly jumped down from Mathew's arms, led him out of the room, and closed the door silently behind them.

"Now Ciara's going too, Mum," Holly cried even harder, and Elizabeth cried softly for her daughter.

Holly stayed up late that night talking to her mum about everything that had been bubbling up inside her for the past few months. And although her mother offered many words of kind reassurance, Holly still felt as trapped as before. She stayed in the guest bedroom that night and woke up to a madhouse the following morning. Holly smiled at the familiarity of the sound of her brother and sister running around the house screaming about how they were late for college and late for work, followed by their dad grumbling at them to get a move on, followed by her mum's gentle pleas for everyone to stay silent so as not to disturb Holly. The world went on, simple as that, and there was no bubble big enough to protect her.

At lunchtime Holly's dad dropped her home and squeezed a check for five thousand euro into her hand.

"Oh, Dad, I can't accept this," Holly said, overcome with emotion.

"Take it," he said, gently pushing her hand away. "Let us help you, love."

"I'll pay back every cent," she said, hugging him tightly.

Holly stood at the door and waved her father off down the road. She looked at the check in her hand and immediately a weight was lifted from her shoulders. She could think of twenty things she could do with this check, and for once buying clothes wasn't one of them. Walking into the kitchen she noticed the red light flashing on the answering machine on the table in the hall. She sat on the end of the stairs and hit the button.

She had five new messages.

One was from Sharon ringing to see if she was OK because she hadn't heard from her all day. The second was from Denise ringing to see if she was OK because she hadn't heard from her all day. The two girls had obviously been talking to each other. The third was from Sharon, the fourth was from Denise and the fifth was just somebody hanging up. Holly pressed delete and ran upstairs to change her clothes. She wasn't quite ready to talk to Sharon and Denise yet; she needed to get her life into order first so she could be more of a support for them.

She sat in the spare room in front of her computer and began to type up a CV. She had become an old pro at doing this as she changed her jobs so often. It had been a while since she had to worry about going to interviews, though. And if she did get an interview, who would want to hire someone who hadn't been working for a whole year?

It took her two hours to finally print out something that she thought was at least half decent. In fact, she was really proud of what she had done, she had somehow managed to make herself look intelligent and experienced. She laughed loudly in the room, hoping she would manage to fool her future employers into thinking she was a capable worker. Reading back over her CV she decided that even she would hire herself.

She dressed smartly and drove down to the village in the car she had finally managed to fill with petrol. She parked outside the recruitment office and applied lip gloss in her car mirror. There was to be no more time wasting. If Gerry said to find a job, she was going to find a job.