uch as I hate to admit that my mother's ever right about anything, I can see that she does seem to have a point, that bit about me being in a bad mood, but the problem is the only time I'm really in a bad mood, other than when I'm at my parents' of course, is when I'm with Ed.

I just don't understand why all of a sudden he seems to irritate me, and there seems to be a bit of a pattern developing which is beginning to worry me. Ed constantly smothers me with affection, attention and love, and the more he smothers me the more claustrophic I find it. Eventually I snap at him, and then he gets that look, and then I have a bit of breathing space, until I feel so guilty at hurting him I apologize and then he starts smothering me all over again.

You would think, given that I am one of the most self-aware people I know, that there would have been a book written about this syndrome, but I've flicked through all the usual ones, and I can't find anything that pertains to this particular problem.

And the thing is, maybe it isn't a problem. Maybe deep down I don't believe I deserve to be happy, so now that I have found a really good man who treats me well, I'm deliberately trying to sabotage it because I don't think I deserve someone who treats me well.

Or maybe he just irritates me.

But I don't want to consider that as an option because it's just too damn easy. It's too damn easy to say that I am irritated with Ed because he is an irritating person. And if I admitted that, then I couldn't marry him, and I so badly want to marry him, I so badly want this to work.

I suppose I've never had anyone treat me like this before, worship me in the way Ed does, want to do anything to make me happy, and I suspect I just don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes I feel as if I'm almost testing Ed. The more loving and giving he is to me, the more it pisses me off, the more I push him away. Sometimes I think I'm just seeing how far I can push him, because when, eventually, he dumps me, as he'd have to if I continued treating him the way I have been, then I can turn around and say, 'See? I told you so?' Because everyone else has always dumped me eventually, and maybe part of me expects that, so in a sick sort of way I'm trying to create that situation.

I know it sounds complicated, but it makes sense to me. I ran it by Jules the other night, and she nodded in all the right places, but then didn't say anything at the end, so I just went into overdrive explaining why I was so convinced this was the case.

'Are you absolutely sure you should be engaged to him?' was all she said.

'Absolutely,' I said, as I tried to explain that the only way out of this one, as far as I could see, was to work through it, and work through it with him. There would be no point in breaking off the engagement, being single again and then trying to deal with it. I have to be in it, experiencing it right now if I'm ever going to come through and learn how to really love.

Although I suspect learning how to really love isn't an issue for me. I've always felt that I've had masses of love to give. Before Ed I was always the one doing the smothering. I'd do whatever I could to make myself indispensable to whoever was the current man in my life. And I was always the one who drove them away. I suppose it's a bit like that old Groucho Marx saying — I wouldn't want to join any club that would have me as a member.

Perhaps the main issue, for me now, is actually learning how to be loved. All the men with whom I've been involved before Ed treated me appallingly, and the worse they treated me, the more I wanted to make them change, the more I'd shower love, affection and attention on them.

Much like Ed is doing to me.

God. I feel like I'm having a breakthrough. That's exactly what's happening. The roles have been reversed, and I'm doing to Ed exactly what has always been done to me. I remember Jon growing more and more distant. I remember him turning round at the end of the evening and saying, 'I'm sorry, do you mind if you don't stay the night, I'd just really like to be on my own.' I remember covering Jon with kisses as he became less and less affectionate.

Thank God I've realized this now. Before it's too late. Because I will work this one through, and I will walk down that aisle if it's the last thing I ever do.

'So come on, then, sis. Tell me all about him.'

'Olly, you're going to be meeting him in about six hours. You'll see for yourself.'

'He's definitely a big hit with Mum, but I'm never sure if that's a good sign or not.'

'Tell me about it. Has Dad said anything to you?' Is it my imagination or does Olly suddenly sound slightly shifty? 'Nah,' he says. 'You know what Dad's like. Conversation isn't exactly his bag.'

I laugh.

'Wait until they meet Carolyn,' I say. 'Then you'll know just what I've been going through.'

'I know,' he sighs. 'I think I'm going to have to get it over with. I've told them about her, so now Mum's driving me mad.'

'Ha ha! Good. Shit, someone needs me. Listen, I've gotta go, but you'll be there on time, won't you?'

'Yup. I'll see you then.'

'All right, darling. Bye.' I put the phone down and turn to Jo, who's been making worried faces at me while I've been chatting. 'What's the matter, Jo?'

'You're going to kill me,' she says. 'I'm really, really sorry.'

'Please don't tell me you can't come,' I say slowly.

'I'm really sorry,' she says, wincing. 'My friend Jill called to check I was coming to her birthday party, and I completely forgot, and she went bananas when I said I couldn't make it, I'm so sorry.'

'Don't worry,' I sigh, completely pissed off but not enough to shout about it, because I probably would have done the same thing. It's what single women do. We'll make arrangements, and then if something better comes up, i.e. some event where we're more likely to meet Mr Right, we'll cancel our first arrangements without even thinking about whether we're upsetting anyone.

And I'm not upset, it's just that the numbers are now uneven, and who the hell will I put with Nick? Thankfully, my phone rings, so Jo takes the opportunity to slink back to reception while I sigh a 'hello' into the receiver.

'Darling! It's me.' Now 'me' could be any number of me's, but in this case I know, instantly, it's Amanda Baker, and a lightbulb in my head switches on.

'Amanda! I was just going to call you! I know this is incredibly short notice, but basically, umm' — time for a little white lie here — 'Ed and I decided to get together with a few friends this evening and I know how horribly busy you are, but I really want you to come. I can't believe you called, I was literally, just this second, picking up the phone to call you.'

'How lovely!' she exclaims, as I wait with bated breath. 'Actually, I'm not doing anything tonight. I was going to have a bath and give myself lots of face packs and things, but I'd love to come out for dinner with Ed McMahon. And you.'

'Wonderful!' I exclaim, mustering up some enthusiasm from somewhere. 'That's great!'

'Just tell me,' she interrupts, 'is it going to be couple hell?'

I laugh. 'Sort of. But there is a single man there, although I don't think he's your type.'

'That's okay, as long as I'm not the only single person there.'

'Nope. Don't worry,' and, as I tell her where to be and at what time, I breathe a sigh of relief because I never have to be ashamed of being single again.

I remember clearly all those times I'd turn down invitations to dinner parties because I'd always be the only person on my own, and those times I'd turn up to find I'd been fixed up with someone awful, and how inferior I felt to those cosy couples, how I vowed I'd never go again until I had a partner.

And now I do, and I never have to ask those questions, and even though my friends said I was being ridiculous, how could I possibly feel inferior to them just because I was single, even though I believed them at the time, as I put down the phone to Amanda, I realize, and I know this is not exactly a nice thing to realize, but I realize that I do feel slightly superior to her. I've got a partner. A fiancé. I'm now, officially, a grown-up.

Jules says there are three things that make you a grown-up: radiator cabinets, gin, vodka and whisky in the house, and making your bed every morning. But I disagree with her. I think you're officially a grown-up when you've got another half. When you don't have to live in fear of other couples. When you don't have to feel you're not good enough.

I make sure that Ed and I are early, the first to arrive, and we order champagne as we sit down. Ed kisses me and tells me how beautiful I am. Just as the champagne arrives, so does Jules, followed swiftly by Olly and Carolyn.

Ed kisses Jules, and shakes hands with the others, telling Olly how delighted he is to meet him, having heard so much about him.

'We're all thrilled Libby's finally settling down,' Olly says, winking at me. 'We're just slightly surprised at how quick it's all been.'

'Ha ha!' laughs Ed. 'I'm surprised myself, but when it's right, it's right.'

Right.

'So where's Jamie, then?' Olly asks, looking at Jules quizzically. 'Got a big case on again, I suppose?'

Jules manages to pull off a shrug that looks genuine to everyone but me, but then again I'm the only one who knows the truth. 'You know how it is,' she says with a sad smile. 'Bloody barristers.'

'You could have asked him, you know,' I whisper, sidling up to her and pulling her to one side.

'I know,' she says. 'And he phoned today, and I so nearly asked him, but he hasn't suffered enough. Not yet.'

'So what did you say?'

'Well, I told him you were having an engagement do tonight, and I think he thought I was going to invite him, but I changed the subject.'

'How do you feel?'

'Lonely as hell.'

I put my arm around her shoulders and give her a squeeze, and then I hear,' Libby!' and Sal comes bustling through the restaurant. 'I'm so excited for you!' she says, throwing her arms around me and giving me a huge hug. 'Paul and Nick are parking the car. They'll be here any second.' She looks at the others, who are now standing by the side of the table making small talk, and seems to do a double-take when she sees Ed. 'Is that him?' she says finally, sounding surprised.

'Yes. Why? You sound surprised.'

She shakes her head. 'Sorry. God, I'm really sorry, Libby. It's just that, he's, well, he's not really what I would have thought you'd go for.'

'You mean he's not good-looking?'

She leans forward and whispers, 'I thought you hated moustaches.'

'I do,' I whisper back. 'I'm working on it.'

'You must think I'm really rude. He looks lovely. It's just that I've only ever really seen you with,' and she stops, checking that no one hears as she mouths 'Nick' at me.

'And?'

'And I suppose I assumed that was your type.'

'Sal, I don't have a type. I never have had a type. And Ed's lovely. You'll see.'

'Of course he is!' she says, squeezing my arm. 'He's marrying you, so he has to be!'

'Ed?' I call over to get his attention. 'Come and meet Sal.'

Ed walks over, smiling, and extends a hand, looking a bit taken aback when Sal reaches up and gives him a hug. 'Lovely to meet you,' she says. 'We've heard all about you, except I suppose you're sick of hearing that, aren't you?'

Ed chuckles. 'Not at all. Not at all. And how do you know Libby?'

As Sal's explaining, I see Paul walk into the restaurant with Nick at his heels, and for a second my heart catches in my throat. He's in his old chinos with his DMs and a scruffy old raincoat, but he looks so familiar, so gorgeous, that for a second I think I'm going to start crying.

'Libby. You look lovely,' he says, giving me a sedate kiss on each cheek. 'Congratulations.'

'I'm so pleased you're here, Nick,' I say, and I am. 'I was a bit worried about, well, you know.'

'Don't be silly. We're friends, aren't we? I wouldn't miss this for anything. I'm dying to know what the infamous Ed's like.' Nick turns and sees Ed talking to Sally.

'That's not him, is it? Please tell me that's not him.'

'Nick! What do you mean? Why not?'

'Libby, he's old enough to be your grandfather.'

'Crap,' I laugh, suddenly remembering Nick's sense of humour. 'He's only ten years older than me.'

'Nice tache,' Nick says. 'Hmm, I've always fancied one of those.'

'Oh shut up.' I slap him. 'Anyway, hopefully he won't have it for much longer.'

'If I were you I'd wait until he's asleep, then shave it off. The less painful the better.'

'I might just do that,' I laugh. 'Come and meet him.'

'Umm, is there a reason you've left an empty seat beside me?' Nick leans over the table to me. 'Has my personal hygiene problem become that bad?'

I laugh. 'No. Amanda Baker's coming. She's late, she should be here any minute.'

'Amanda Baker?' Nick's eyes widen. 'Here? Tonight? Sitting next to me? Phwooargh.'

'I might have known you'd know who she is,' I laugh. 'You're the only person I know who watches daytime TV on a regular basis.'

'When it comes to Amanda Baker,' he drools, 'the word salivate comes to mind. Is she my blind date, then?'

'No,' I say sternly, suddenly feeling slightly nauseous, because what if they do get on? What if Amanda decides Nick's just her type? I'm not sure I could cope with that, seeing Nick and Amanda together. Oh shit. What have I done here?

'Speak of the devil,' whispers Nick, as Amanda sashays towards the table.

'Libby!' she kisses me, then kisses Ed, moving back round the table to sit next to Nick. 'I'm so sorry I'm late,' she says. 'I had to do another bloody interview.' She waits for someone to comment on the fact that she's famous, but no one does, until Nick steps in to fill the void.

'I watch you all the time on TV,' he says. 'I never realized you were a friend of Libby.'

'Yes. Do you like the show?' Her face lights up, happy at being given the opportunity to talk about herself.

Jules rolls her eyes at me as I suppress a giggle, but I watch Amanda very carefully, and, although she's obviously delighted at having found a fan, I can't hear a glimmer of flirtation in her voice, or a flicker of interest. I look up to catch Jules watching me watching her, and Jules raises an eyebrow as I shrug and turn to Ed, who's got his hand on my knee.

'Are you enjoying yourself?' he asks, pursing up for a kiss. I kiss him and nod.

'Are you?'

He smiles. 'Of course,' and looks round the table. 'Who would like some more champagne?'

'Yes, please,' says Sal, proffering her glass. 'I'll never say no to a bit of fizz.'

Ed refills her glass, then says, 'Do you know Amanda?'

'We haven't met,' says Sal, as Amanda looks up at the mention of her name. 'Hello. I'm Sally Cross.'

'How do you do,' says Amanda, a distracted look on her face. 'Sally Cross. That's a familiar name. Have we met before?'

'No, I don't think so,' says Sal.

'What do you do? Are you in TV?'

Sal explains her job, and Amanda's voice immediately warms up. A journalist! Another potential hit to get a feature written about herself! They start talking shop, and after a few minutes Amanda stops in mid-flow and taps Nick on the shoulder, 'Sorry, but could we swap places for a bit, it's just that it's so rude talking across you.'

Nick shrugs and stands up, and Amanda pushes past him to sit in his recently vacated seat, as she carries on talking about her career as a presenter.

'How's the book going?' Olly shouts over to Nick.

Nick taps the side of his nose mysteriously. 'All sorts of things going on, but can't talk about them.

'Yet,' he adds.

Olly laughs. 'You mean that we're actually going to be able to read it soon?'

'Time will tell,' says Nick, in his Mystic Meg voice.

'You're an author?' Ed, for the first time this evening, is showing an interest in Nick.

'Aspiring,' Nick says with a smile.

'You're not published, then?'

'Not yet. But things are looking hopeful.'

'What sort of a book have you written?'

'Oh, usual thriller, cloak and dagger type stuff.'

'So if you're not published you must do other work.'

'Nope. The only other work I do is walk to the dole office and back.'

'Oh ha ha! Very funny.' Ed's laughing, and Nick looks at him peculiarly.

'Yes, well, I'm glad you think it's funny. Unfortunately, it's not a joke.'

'Oh gosh!' Ed colours a deep red. 'I'm terribly sorry. I thought, I assumed you were joking.'

'I wouldn't joke about a thing like that.'

'I've never met anyone on the dole before,' says Ed, digging himself deeper and deeper as far as I'm concerned. Nick catches my eye, and I can't help it, I shrug and raise my eyes to the ceiling.

'Well, there are plenty of us about,' Nick says, as I decide to step in and help the conversation change course.

'Come on, Nick, tell us what your book's about.'

'You wouldn't be interested,' he says.

'Yes, yes! We would.' Jules joins in with me, and for the next ten minutes Nick holds centre stage as he details the plot for us, while I sit there absolutely staggered, because it is brilliant! Seriously, it is one of the most original ideas I've heard for ages, and I wish I'd listened to him before. I can't believe that no one's already done it.

'That sounds fantastic!' says Olly, who by now is also listening in. 'You shouldn't have any trouble getting that published.'

'I agree,' says Paul. 'I'd buy it.'

'I hope you will,' laughs Nick, who's puffed up with pride at the positive reaction to his story. 'I expect all of you to contribute to my royalty payments.'

Amanda and Sal have finished their shop talk, and Amanda taps Ed on the shoulder. 'Binky Donnell says hello,' she says, smiling, 'and congratulations.'

'Binky Donnell!' exclaims Ed, his eyes lighting up. 'There's a name I haven't heard in a while. How is the old rascal?'

Nick nudges me and mouths, 'Rascal?' I kick him under the table, but I can see that even Jules has a smirk on her face.

'He's lovely,' she says. 'I had dinner with Binky and Bunny last week.'

Nick nudges me again and this time I can't help myself, I start giggling, and I honestly can't believe I'm going to marry someone who has friends called Binky and Bunny.

'I can't believe you're going to marry someone who has friends called Binky and Bunny,' Nick mutters, when he's finally recovered.

'Oh I see,' I say, 'and Moose is so much better?'

'At least Moose is cool,' Nick says, mock indignantly. 'Binky and Bunny don't exactly have much street cred.'

'How do you know? For all you know Binky drives a vintage Harley, and Bunny's a blonde bombshell rock chick.'

'With long floppy ears?'

'Quite possibly,' I snort, and we both collapse with laughter again, completely unnoticed by Ed and Amanda, who are now shrieking with delight at having so many people in common. More power to them, as far as I'm concerned.

Even Jules shoots me an odd look, and I just shrug, more than happy that Ed's found something in common with at least one of my friends, even if Amanda isn't exactly a friend.

Olly and Carolyn are chatting away to Sal and Paul, and as far as I can tell the evening's a success. Everyone's had a chance to meet Ed, they all seem to be getting on, and okay, so not everyone's really had a chance to talk to Ed, but then that's always the problem with large groups of people at dinner, isn't it? Olly, for example, has barely exchanged words with Ed, but at least they've met, and it's a starting point. On the other hand, maybe they should have a bit more of a chat.

When the coffee arrives I get up and go to see Olly at the other end of the table.

'Why don't you talk to Ed a bit? Get to know him?'

Olly sighs. 'Libby, I'm not sure what I'd have to say to him.'

'Olly! That's not very nice. This is the man I'm marrying. You could make an effort. How do you know you wouldn't have anything to say to him?'

'Okay, you're right. But I've heard him across the table and…' He pauses.

'And what?'

'Nothing.' He sighs. 'Anyway. He's deep in conversation with your friend Amanda. I don't want to interrupt.'

'Okay,' I say warily. 'Maybe you and Carolyn will come over for dinner with us?'

'Maybe,' he says distractedly. 'Look, let's talk about this tomorrow, shall we?'

'God, Oll. Anyone would think you'd taken an instant dislike to him.'

'Libby, we'll talk about it tomorrow.'