remember everything, Campbell,” she interrupts. “If I didn't, this wouldn't be so hard.”

My pulse jumps so high that Judge gets to his feet and pushes his snout into my hip, alarmed. I had believed back then that nothing could hurt Julia, who seemed to be so free. I had hoped that I could be as lucky.

I was mistaken on both counts.

 

ANNA

IN OUR LIVING ROOM we have a whole shelf devoted to the visual history of our family. Everyone's baby pictures are there, and some school head shots, and then various photos from vacations and birthdays and holidays. They make me think of notches on a belt or scratches on a prison wall—proof that time's passed, that we haven't all just been swimming in limbo.

There are double frames, singles, 8 x 10s, 4 x 6s. They are made of blond wood and inlaid wood and one very fancy glass mosaic. I pick up one of Jesse—he's about two, in a cowboy costume. Looking at it, you'd never know what was coming down the pike.

There is Kate with hair and Kate all bald; one of Kate as a baby sitting on Jesse's lap; one of my mother holding each of them on the edge of a pool. There are pictures of me, too, but not many. I go from infant to about ten years old in one fell swoop.

Maybe it's because I was the third child, and they were sick and tired of keeping a catalog of life. Maybe it's because they forgot.

It's nobody's fault, and it's not a big deal, but it's a little depressing all the same. A photo says, You were happy, and I wanted to catch that. A photo says, You were so important to me that I put down everything else to come watch.

My father calls at eleven o'clock to ask if I want him to come get me. “Mom's going to stay at the hospital,” he explains. “But if you don't want to be alone in the house, you can sleep at the station.”

“No, it's okay,” I tell him. “I can always get Jesse if I need something.”

“Right,” my father says. “Jesse.” We both pretend that this is a reliable backup plan.

“How's Kate?” I ask.

“Still pretty out of it. They've got her drugged up.” I hear him drag in a breath. “You know, Anna,” he begins, but then there is a shrill bell in the background. “Honey, I've got to go.” He leaves me with an earful of dead air.

For a second I just hold the phone, picturing my dad stepping into his boots and pulling up the puddle of pants by their suspenders. I imagine the door of the station yawning like Aladdin's cave, and the engine screaming out, my father in the front passenger seat. Every time he goes to work, he has to put out fires.

It's just the encouragement I need. Grabbing a sweater, I leave the house and head for the garage.

There was this kid in my school, Jimmy Stredboe, who used to be a total loser. He got zits on top of his zits; he had a pet rat named Orphan Annie; and once in science class he puked into the fish tank. No one ever talked to him, in case dorkhood was contagious. But then one summer he was diagnosed with MS. After that, no one was mean to Jimmy anymore. If you passed him in the hall, you smiled. If he sat next to you at the lunch table, you nodded hello. It was as if being a walking tragedy canceled out ever having been a geek.

From the moment I was born, I have been the girl with the sick sister. All my life bank tellers have given me extra lollipops; principals have known me by name. No one is ever outright mean to me.

It makes me wonder how I'd be treated if I were like everyone else.

Maybe I'm a pretty rotten person, not that anyone would ever have the guts to tell me this to my face. Maybe everyone thinks I'm rude or ugly or stupid but they have to be nice because it could be the circumstances of my life that make me that way.

It makes me wonder if what I'm doing now is just my true nature.

The headlights of another car bounce off the rearview mirror, lighting up like green goggles around Jesse's eyes. He drives with one wrist on the wheel, lazy. He needs a haircut, in a big way. “Your car smells like smoke,” I say.

“Yeah. But it covers the aroma of spilled whiskey.” His teeth flash in the dark. “Why? Is it bothering you?”

“Kind of.”

Jesse reaches across my body to the glove compartment. He takes out a pack of Merits and a Zippo, lights up, and blows smoke in my direction. “Sorry,” he says, though he isn't.

“Can I have one?”

“One what?”

“A cigarette.” They are so white they seem to glow.

“You want a cigarette?” Jesse cracks up.

“I'm not joking,” I say.

Jesse raises one brow, and then turns the wheel so sharply I think he might roll the Jeep. We wind up in a huff of road dust on the shoulder. Jesse turns on the interior lights and shakes the pack so that one cigarette shimmies out.

It feels too delicate between my fingers, like the fine bone of a bird. I hold it the way I think a drama queen ought to, between the vise of my second and middle fingers. I put it up to my lips.

“You have to light it first.” Jesse laughs, and he sparks up the Zippo.

There is no freaking way I'm leaning into a flame; chances are I'll set my hair on fire instead of the cigarette. “You do it for me,” I say.

“Nope. If you're gonna learn, you're gonna learn it all.” He flicks the lighter again.

I touch the cigarette to the burn, suck in hard the way I have seen Jesse do. It makes my chest explode, and I cough so forcefully that for a minute I actually believe I can taste my lung at the base of my throat, pink and spongy. Jesse goes to pieces and plucks the cigarette out of my hand before I drop it. He takes two long drags and then tosses it out the window.

“Nice try,” he says.

My voice is a sandpit. “It's like licking a barbecue.”

While I work on remembering how to breathe, Jesse pulls into the road again. “What made you want to?”

I shrug. “I figured I might as well.”

“If you'd like a checklist of depravity, I can make one up for you.” When I don't reply, he glances over at me. “Anna,” he says, “you're not doing the wrong thing.”

By now he's pulled into the hospital's parking lot. “I'm not doing the right thing, either,” I point out.

He turns off the ignition but doesn't make an attempt to leave the car. “Have you thought about the dragon guarding the cave?”

I narrow my eyes. “Speak English.”

“Well, I'm guessing Mom's asleep about five feet away from Kate.”

Oh, shit. It is not that I think my mother would throw me out, but she certainly won't leave me alone with Kate, and right now that's what I want more than anything. Jesse looks at me. “Seeing Kate isn't going to make you feel better.”

There's really no way to explain why I need to know that she's okay, at least now, even though I have taken steps that will put an end to that.

For once, though, someone seems to understand. Jesse stares out the window of the car. “Leave it to me,” he says.

We were eleven and fourteen, and we were training for the Guinness Book of World Records. Surely there had never been two sisters who did simultaneous headstands for so long that their cheeks went hard as plums and their eyes saw nothing but red. Kate had the shape of a pixie, all noodle arms and legs; and when she bent to the ground and kicked up her feet, it looked as delicate as a spider walking a wall. Me, I sort of defied gravity with a thud.

We balanced in silence for a few seconds. “I wish my head was flatter,” I said, as I felt my eyebrows scrunch down. “Do you think there's a man who'll come to the house to time us? Or do we just mail a videotape?”

“I guess they'll let us know.” Kate folded her arms along the carpet.

“Do you think we'll be famous?”

“We might get on the Today show. They had that eleven-year-old kid who could play the piano with his feet.” She thought for a second. “Mom knew someone who got killed by a piano falling out a window.”

“That's not true. Why would anyone push a piano out a window?”

“It is true. You ask her. And they weren't taking it out, they were putting it in.” She crossed her legs against the wall, so that it looked like she was just sitting upside down. “What do you think is the best way to die?”

“I don't want to talk about this,” I said.

“Why? I'm dying. You're dying.” When I frowned, she said, “Well, you are.” Then she grinned. “I just happen to be more gifted at it than you are.”

“This is a stupid conversation.” Already, it was making my skin itch in places I knew I would never be able to scratch.

“Maybe an airplane crash,” Kate mused. “It would suck, you know, when you realized you were going down… but then it happens and you're just powder. How come people get vaporized, but they still manage to find clothes in trees, and those black boxes?”

By now my head was starting to pound. “Shut up, Kate.”

She crawled down the wall and sat up, flushed. “There's just sleeping through it as you croak, but that's kind of boring.”

“Shut up,” I repeated, angry that we had only lasted about twenty-two seconds, angry that now we were going to have to try for a record all over again. I tipped myself sunny-side up again and tried to clear the knot of hair out of my face. “You know, normal people don't sit around thinking about dying.”

“Liar. Everyone thinks about dying.”

“Everyone thinks about you dying,” I said.

The room went so still that I wondered if we ought to go for a different record—how long can two sisters hold their breath?

Then a twitchy smile crossed her face. “Well,” Kate said. “At least now you're telling the truth.”

Jesse gives me a twenty-dollar bill for cab fare home; because that's the only hitch in his plan—once we go through with this, he isn't going to be driving back. We take the stairs up to the eighth floor instead of the elevator, because they let us out behind the nurse's station, not in front of it. Then he tucks me inside a linen closet filled with plastic pillows and sheets stamped with the hospital's name. “Wait,” I blurt out, when he's about to leave me. “How am I going to know when it's time?” He starts to laugh. “You'll know, trust me.”

He takes a silver flask out of his pocket—it's one my father got from the chief and thinks he lost three years ago—screws off the cap, and pours whiskey all over the front of his shirt. Then he starts to walk down the hall. Well, walk would be a loose approximation—Jesse slams like a billiard ball into the walls and knocks over an entire cleaning cart. “Ma?” he yells out. “Ma, where are you?”

He isn't drunk, but he sure as hell can do a great imitation. It makes me wonder about the times I have looked out my bedroom window in the middle of the night and seen him puking into the rhododendrons—maybe that was all for show, too.

The nurses swarm out from their hive of a desk, trying to subdue a boy half their age and three times as strong, who at that very moment grabs the uppermost tier of a linen rack and pulls it forward, making a crash so loud it rings in my ears. Call buttons start ringing like an operator's switchboard behind the nurse's desk, but all three of the night-duty ladies are doing their best to hold Jesse down while he kicks and flails.

The door to Kate's room opens, and bleary-eyed, my mother steps out. She takes a look at Jesse, and for a second her whole face is frozen with the realization that, in fact, things can get worse. Jesse swings his head toward her, a great big bull, and his features melt. “Hiya, Mom,” he greets, and he smiles loosely up at her.

“I am so sorry,” my mother says to the nurses. She closes her eyes as Jesse stumbles upright and throws his sloppy arms around her.

“There's coffee in the cafeteria,” one nurse suggests, and my mother is too embarrassed to even answer her. She just moves toward the elevator banks with Jesse attached to her like a mussel on a crusty hull, and pushes the down button over and over in the fruitless hope that it will actually make the doors open faster.

When they leave, it is almost too easy. Some of the nurses hurry off to check on the patients who've rung in; others settle back behind their desk, trading hushed commentary about Jesse and my poor mother like it's some card game. They never look my way as I sneak out of the linen closet, tiptoe down the hall, and let myself into my sister's hospital room.

One Thanksgiving when Kate was not in the hospital, we actually pretended to be a regular family. We watched the parade on TV, where a giant balloon fell prey to a freak wind and wound up wrapped around a NYC traffic light. We made our own gravy. My mother brought the turkey's wishbone out to the table, and we fought over who would be granted the right to snap it. Kate and I were given the honors. Before I got a good grip, my mother leaned close and whispered into my ear, “You know what to wish for.” So I shut my eyes tight and thought hard of remission for Kate, even though I had been planning to ask for a personal CD player, and got a nasty satisfaction out of the fact that I did not win the tug-of-war.

After we ate, my father took us outside for a game of two-on-two touch football while my mother was washing the dishes. She came outside when Jesse and I had already scored twice. “Tell me,” she said, “that I am hallucinating.” She didn't have to say anything else—we'd all seen Kate tumble like an ordinary kid and wind up bleeding uncontrollably like a sick one.

“Aw, Sara.” My dad turned up the wattage on his smile. “Kate's on my team. I won't let her get sacked.”

He swaggered over to my mother, and kissed her so long and slow that my own cheeks started to burn, because I was sure the neighbors would see. When he lifted his head, my mother's eyes were a color I had never seen before and don't think I have ever seen again. “Trust me,” he said, and then he threw the football to Kate.

What I remember about that day was the way the ground bit back when you sat on it—the first hint of winter. I remember being tackled by my father, who always braced himself in a push-up so that I got none of the weight and all of his heat. I remember my mother, cheering equally for both teams.

And I remember throwing the ball to Jesse, but Kate getting in the way—an expression of absolute shock on her face as it landed in the cradle of her arms and Dad yelled her on to the touchdown. She sprinted, and nearly had it, but then Jesse took a running leap and slammed her to the ground, crushing her underneath him.

In that moment everything stopped. Kate lay with her arms and legs splayed, unmoving. My father was there in a breath, shoving at Jesse. “What the hell is the matter with you!”

“I forgot!”

My mother: “Where does it hurt? Can you sit up?”

But when Kate rolled over, she was smiling. “It doesn't hurt. It feels great.”

My parents looked at each other. Neither of them understood like I did, like Jesse did—that no matter who you are, there is some part of you that always wishes you were someone else—and when, for a millisecond, you get that wish, it's a miracle. “He forgot,” Kate said to nobody, and she lay on her back, beaming up at the cold hawkeye sun.

Hospital rooms never get completely dark; there is always some glowing panel behind the bed in the case of catastrophe, a runway strip so that the nurses and doctors can find their way. I have seen Kate a hundred times in beds like this one, although the tubes and wires change. She always looks smaller than I remember.

I sit down as gently as I can. The veins on Kate's neck and chest are a road map, highways that don't go anywhere. I trick myself into believing that I can see those rogue leukemia cells moving like a rumor through her system.

When she opens her eyes, I nearly fall off the bed; it's an Exorcist moment. “Anna?” she says, staring right at me. I have not seen her look this scared since we were little, and Jesse convinced us that an old Indian ghost had come back to claim the bones buried by mistake under our house.

If you have a sister and she dies, do you stop saying you have one? Or are you always a sister, even when the other half of the equation is gone?

I crawl onto the bed, which is narrow, but still big enough for both of us. I rest my head on her chest, so close to her central line that I can see the liquid dripping into her. Jesse is wrong—I didn't come to see Kate because it would make me feel better. I came because without her, it's hard to remember who I am

 

You, if you were sensible,

When I tell you the stars flash signals, each one dreadful,

You would not turn and answer me

“The night is wonderful.”

—D. H. LAWRENCE, “Under the Oak”

 

BRIAN

WE NEVER KNOW, AT FIRST, if we are headed into a cooker or a smudge. At 2:46 A.M. last night, the lights went on upstairs. The bells went off, too, but I can't say that I ever really hear them. In ten seconds, I was dressed and walking out the door of my room at the station. In twenty, I was stepping into my turnout gear, pulling up the long elastic suspenders, and shrugging into the turtle-shell of my coat. By the time two minutes passed, Caesar was driving the engine onto the streets of Upper Darby; Paulie and Red were the can man and the hydrant man, riding behind.

Sometime after that, consciousness came in small bright flashes: we remembered to check our breathing apparatus; we slid on our gloves; dispatch called to tell us that the house was on Hoddington Drive; that it appeared to be either a structure fire or a room and contents fire. 'Turn left here," I told Caesar. Hoddington was only eight blocks away from where I lived.

The house looked like the mouth of a dragon. Caesar drove around as far as he could, trying to get me a view of three sides. Then we all piled out of the engine and stared for a moment, four Davids against a Goliath. “Charge a two-and-a-half inch line,” I told Caesar, tonight's motor pump operator. A woman in a nightgown ran toward me, sobbing, three children holding her skirt. “Mija,” she screamed, pointing. “Mija!”

“iDdnde esta?” I got right in front of her, so that she couldn't see anything but my face. “iCuantos anos tiene?”

She pointed to a window on the second floor. “Tres,” she cried.

“Cap,” Caesar yelled, “we're ready over here.”

I heard the approaching whine of a second engine, the reserve guys coming to back us up. “Red, vent the northeast corner of the roof; Paulie, put the wet stuff on the red stuff and push it out when it's got somewhere to go. We've got a kid on the second floor. I'm going in to see if I can get her.”

It was not, like in the movies, a slam dunk-a scene for the hero to go win his Oscar. If I got in there, and the stairs had gone… if the structure threatened to collapse… if the temperature of the space had gotten so hot that everything was combustible and ripe for flashover—I would have backed out and told my men to back out with me. The safety of the rescuer is of a higher priority than the safety of the victim. Always.

I'm a coward. There are times when my shift is over that I'll stay and roll hose, or put on a fresh pot of coffee for the crew coming in, instead of heading straight to my house. I have often wondered why I get more rest in a place where, for the most part, I'm roused out of bed two or three times a night. I think it is because in a firehouse, I don't have to worry about emergencies happening-they're supposed to. The minute I walk through the door at home, I'm worrying about what might come next.

Once, in second grade, Kate drew a picture of a firefighter with a halo above his helmet. She told her class that I would only be allowed to go to Heaven, because if I went to Hell, I'd put out all the fires. I still have that picture.

In a bowl, I crack a dozen eggs and start to whip them into a frenzy. The bacon's already spitting on the stove; the griddle's heating for pancakes. Firemen eat together—or at least we try to, before the bells ring. This breakfast will be a treat for my guys, who are still showering away the memories of last night from their skin. Behind me, I hear the fall of footsteps. “Pull up a chair,” I call over my shoulder. “It's almost ready.”

“Oh, thanks, but no,” says a female voice. “I wouldn't want to impose.” I turn around, brandishing my spatula. The sound of a woman here is surprising; one who's shown up just shy of seven A.M. is even more remarkable. She is small, with wild hair that makes me think of a forest fire. Her hands are covered with winking silver rings. “Captain Fitzgerald, I'm Julia Romano. I'm the guardian ad litem assigned to Anna's case.”

Sara's told me about her-the woman the judge will listen to, when push comes to shove.

“Smells great,” she says, smiling. She walks up and takes the spatula out of my hand. “I can't watch someone cook without helping. It's a genetic abnormality.” I watch her reach into the fridge, rummaging around. Of all things, she comes back with a jar of horseradish. “I was hoping you might have a few minutes to talk.”

“Sure.” Horseradish?

She adds a good wad of the stuff to the eggs, and then pulls orange zest off the spice rack, along with some chili powder, and sprinkles this on as well. “How's Kate doing?”

I pour a circle of batter on the griddle, watch it come to a bubble. When I flip it, it's an even, creamy brown. I've already spoken to Sara this morning. Kate's night was uneventful; Sara's wasn't. But that's because of Jesse.

There is a moment during a structure fire when you know you are either going to get the upper hand, or that it's going to get the upper hand on you. You notice the ceiling patch about to fall and the staircase eating itself alive and the synthetic carpet glued to the soles of your boots. The sum of the parts overwhelms, and that's when you back out and force yourself to remember that every fire will burn itself out, even without your help.

These days, I'm fighting fire on six sides. I look in front of me and see Kate sick I look behind me and see Anna with her lawyer. The only time Jesse isn't drinking like a fish, he's strung out on drugs; Sara's grasping at straws. And me, I've got my gear on, safe. I'm holding dozens of hooks and irons and poles-all tools that are meant to destroy, when what I need is something to rope us together.

“Captain Fitzgerald … Brian!” Julia Romano's voice knocks me out of my own head, into a kitchen that's rapidly filling with smoke. She reaches past me and shoves the pancake that's burning off the griddle.

“Jesus!” I drop the charcoal disk that used to be a pancake into the sink, where it hisses at me. “I'm sorry.”

Like open sesame, those two simple words change the landscape. “Good thing we've got the eggs,” Julia Romano says.

In a burning house, your sixth sense kicks in. You can't see, because of the smoke. You can't hear, because fire roars loud. You can't touch, because it will be the end of you.

In front of me, Paulie manned the nozzle. A line of firefighters backed him up; a charged hose was a thick, dead weight. We worked our way up the stairs, still intact, intent on shoving this fire out the hole Red had put in the roof. Like anything that's confined, fire has a natural instinct to escape.

I got down on my hands and knees and started to crawl through the hallway. The mother said it was the third door on the left. The fire rolled along the other side of the ceiling, racing to the vent. As the spray attacked, white steam swallowed the other firefighters.

The door to the child's room was open. I crawled in calling her name. A larger shape at the window drew me like a magnet, but it turned out to be an oversized stuffed animal. I checked the closets and under the bed, too, but nobody was there.

I backed into the hallway again and nearly tripped over the hose, fist-thick. A human could think; a fire couldn't. A fire would follow a specific path; a child might not. Where would I have gone if I were terrified?

Moving fast, I started poking my head into doorways. One was pink, a baby's room. Another had Matchbox cars all over the floor and bunk beds. One was not a room at all, but a closet. The master bedroom was on the far side of the staircase.

If I were a kid, I'd want my mother.

Unlike the other bedrooms, this one was leaking thick, black smoke. Fire had burned a seam at the bottom of the door. I opened it, knowing I was going to let in air, knowing it was the wrong thing to do and the only choice I had.

Predictably, the smoldering line ignited, flame filling the doorway. I charged through it like a bull, feeling embers rain down the back of my helmet and coat. “Luisa!” I yelled out. I felt my way around the perimeter of the room, found the closet. I knocked hard and called again.

It was faint, but there was definitely a knock back.

“We've been lucky,” I tell Julia Romano, quite possibly the last words she'd ever expect to hear me say. “Sara's sister watches the kids if it's going to be a long haul. For shorter runs, we swap off—you know, Sara stays with Kate one night at the hospital, and I go home to the other kids, or vice versa. It's easier now. They're old enough to take care of themselves.”

She writes something down in her little book when I say that, and it makes me squirm in my seat. Anna's only thirteen-is that too young to stay alone in a house? Social Services might say so, but Anna's different. Anna grew up years ago.

“Do you think Anna's doing okay?” Julia asks.

“I don't think she would have filed a lawsuit if she was.” I hesitate. “Sara says she wants attention.”

“What do you think?”

To buy time, I take a forkful of eggs. The horseradish turned out to be surprisingly good. It brings out the orange. I tell Julia Romano this.

She folds her napkin next to her own plate. “You didn't answer my question, Mr. Fitzgerald.”

“I don't think it's that simple.” I very carefully set my silverware down. “Do you have brothers or sisters?”

“Both. Six older brothers and a twin sister.”

I whistle. “Your parents must have a hell of a lot of patience.”

She shrugs. “Good Catholics. I don't know how they did it, either, but none of us fell through the cracks.”

“Did you always think so?” I ask. “Did you ever feel, when you were a kid, that maybe they were playing favorites?” Her face tightens, just the tiniest bit, and I feel bad about putting her on the spot. “We all know you're supposed to love your kids equal, but that's not always how it works out.” I get to my feet. “You got a little extra time? There's someone I'd like you to meet.”

Last winter we got an ambulance call in the dead of winter for a guy who lived up a rural road. The contractor he hired to plow his driveway had found him and called 911; apparently the guy had gotten out of his car the night before, slipped, and froze right to the gravel; the contractor nearly ran over him, thinking he was a drift.

When we got to the scene, he'd been outside for nearly eight hours, and he was nothing more than an ice cube with no pulse. His knees were bent; I remember this, because when we finally pried him out and set him on a backboard, there they were, sticking straight up in the air. We got the heat cranked in the ambulance and brought him inside, starting to cut off his clothes. By the time we had our paperwork in order for the hospital transport, the guy was sitting up and talking to us.

I tell you this to show you that in spite of what you'd think, miracles happen.

It's a cliche, but the reason I became a firefighter in the first place was because I wanted to save people. So the moment I emerged from the fiery arched doorway with Luisa in my arms, when her mother first saw us and fell to her knees, I knew I had done my job and done it well. She swooped down beside the EMT from the second crew who got a line into the girl's arm and put her on oxygen. The kid was coughing, frightened, but she would be fine.

The fire was all but out; the boys were inside doing salvage and overhaul. Smoke drew a veil over the night sky; I couldn't make out a single star in the constellation Scorpio. I took off my gloves and wiped my hands across my eyes, which would sting for hours. “Good work,” I said to Red, as he packed up the hose.

“Good save, Cap,” he called back.

It would have been better, of course, if Luisa had been in her own room, as her mother expected. But kids don't stay where they're supposed to. You turn around and find her not in the bedroom but hiding in a closet; you turn around and see she's not three but thirteen. Parenting is really just a matter of tracking, of hoping your kids do not get so far ahead you can no longer see their next moves.

I took off my helmet and stretched the muscles of my neck. I looked up at the structure that was once a home. Suddenly I felt fingers wrap around my hand. The woman who lived here stood with tears in her eyes. Her youngest was still in her arms; the other kids were sitting in the fire truck under Red's supervision. Silently she raised my knuckles to her lips. A streak of soot came off my jacket to stripe her cheek. “You're welcome,” I said.

On our way back to the station I directed Caesar the long way, so that we passed right down the street where I live. Jesse's Jeep sat in my driveway; the lights in the house were all off. I pictured Anna with the covers pulled up to her chin, like usual; Kate's bed empty.

“We all set, Fitz?” Caesar asked. The truck was barely crawling, almost stopped directly in front of my driveway.

“Yeah, we're set,” I said. “Let's take it on home.” I became a firefighter because I wanted to save people. But I should have been more specific. I should have named names.

 

JULIA

BRIAN FITZGERALD'S CAR IS FILLED with stars. There are charts on the passenger seat and tables jammed into the console between us; the backseat is a palette for Xerox copies of nebulae and planets. “Sorry,” he says, reddening. “I wasn't expecting company.”

I help him clear off a space for me, and in the process pick up a map made of pinpricks. “What's this?” I ask.

“A sky atlas.” He shrugs. “It's kind of a hobby.”

“When I was little, I once tried to name every star in the sky after one of my relatives. The scary part is I hadn't run out of names by the time I fell asleep.”

“Anna's named after a galaxy,” Brian says.

“That's much cooler than being named after a patron saint,” I muse. “Once, I asked my mom why stars shine. She said they were night-lights, so the angels could find their way around in Heaven. But when I asked my dad, he started talking about gas, and somehow I put it all together and figured that the food God served caused multiple trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night.”

Brian laughs out loud. “And here I was trying to explain atomic fusion to my kids.”

“Did it work?”

He considers for a moment. “They could all probably find the Big Dipper with their eyes closed.”

“That's impressive. Stars all look the same to me.”

“It's not that hard. You spot a piece of a constellation—like Orion's belt—and suddenly it's easier to find Rigel in his foot and Betelgeuse in his shoulder.” He hesitates. “But ninety percent of the universe is made of stuff we can't even see.”

“Then how do you know it's there?”

He slows to a stop at a red light. “Dark matter has a gravitational effect on other objects. You can't see it, you can't feel it, but you can watch something being pulled in its direction.”

Ten seconds after Campbell left last night, Izzy walked into the living room where I was just on the cusp of having one of those bone-cleansing cries a woman should treat herself to at least once during a lunar cycle. “Yeah,” she said dryly. “I can see this is a totally professional relationship.”

I scowled at her. “Were you eavesdropping?”

“Pardon me if you and Romeo were having your little tete-a-tete through a thin wall.”

“If you've got something to say,” I suggested, “say it.”

“Me?” Izzy frowned. “Hey, it's none of my business, is it?”

“No, it's not.”

“Right. So I'll just keep my opinion to myself.”

I rolled my eyes. “Out with it, Isobel.”

“Thought you'd never ask.” She sat down beside me on the couch. “You know, Julia, the first time a bug sees that big purple zapper light, it looks like God. The second time, he runs in the other direction.”

“First, don't compare me to a mosquito. Second, he'd fly in the other direction, not run. Third, there is no second time. The bug's dead.”

Izzy smirked. “You are such a lawyer.”

“I am not letting Campbell zap me.”

“Then request a transfer.”

“This isn't the Navy.” I hugged one of the throw pillows from the couch. “And I can't do that, not now. It'll make him think that I'm such a wimp I can't balance my professional life with some stupid, silly, adolescent. . . incident.”

“You can't.” Izzy shook her head. “He's an egotistical dickhead who's going to chew you up and spit you out; and you have a really awful history of falling for assholes that you ought to run screaming from; and I don't feel like sitting around listening to you try to convince yourself you don't still feel something for Campbell Alexander when, in fact, you've spent the past fifteen years trying to fill in the hole he made inside you.”

I stared at her. “Wow.”

She shrugged. "Guess I had a lot to get off my chest, after all.”

“Do you hate all men, or just Campbell?"

Izzy seemed to think about that for a while. “Just Campbell,” she said finally.

What I wanted, at that moment, was to be alone in my living room so that I could throw things, like the TV remote or the glass vase or preferably my sister. But I couldn't order Izzy out of a house she'd moved into just hours before. I stood up and plucked my house keys off the counter. “I'm going out,” I told her. “Don't wait up.”

I'm not much of a party girl, which explains why I hadn't frequented Shakespeare's Cat before, although it was a mere four blocks from my condo. The bar was dark and crowded and smelled of patchouli and cloves. I pushed my way inside, hopped up on a stool, and smiled at the man sitting next to me.

I was in the mood to make out in the back row of the movie theater with someone who did not know my first name. I wanted three guys to fight for the honor of buying me a drink.

I wanted to show Campbell Alexander what he'd been missing.

The man beside me had sky-eyes, a black ponytail, and a Gary Grant grin. He nodded politely at me, then turned away and began to kiss a white-haired gentleman flush on the mouth. I looked around and saw what I had missed on my entrance: the bar was filled with single men—but they were dancing, flirting, hooking up with each other.

“What can I get you?” The bartender had fuchsia porcupine hair and an oxen ring pierced through his nose.

“This is a gay bar?”

“No, it's the officers' club at West Point. You want a drink or not?” I pointed over his shoulder to the bottle of tequila, and he reached for a shot glass.

I rummaged in my purse and pulled out a fifty-dollar bill. “The whole thing.” Glancing down at the bottle, I frowned. “I bet Shakespeare didn't even have a cat.”

“Who peed in your coffee?” the bartender asked.

Narrowing my eyes, I stared at him. “You're not gay.”

“Sure I am.”

“Based on my track record, if you were gay, I'd probably find you attractive. As it is…” I looked at the busy couple beside me, and then shrugged at the bartender. He blanched, then handed me back my fifty. I tucked it back into my wallet. “Who says you can't buy friends,” I murmured.

Three hours later, I was the only person still there, unless you counted Seven, which was what the bartender had rechristened himself last August after deciding to jettison whatever sort of label the name Neil suggested. Seven stood for absolutely nothing, he had told me, which was exactly the way he liked it.

“Maybe I should be Six,” I told him, when I'd made my way to the bottom of the tequila bottle, “and you could be Nine.”

Seven finished stacking the clean glasses. “That's it. You're cut off.”

“He used to call me Jewel,” I said, and that was enough to make me start crying.

A jewel's first a rock put under enormous heat and pressure. Extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never think to look.

But Campbell had looked. And then he'd left me, reminding me that whatever he'd seen wasn't worth the time or effort.

“I used to have pink hair,” I told Seven.

“I used to have a real job,” he answered.

“What happened?”

He shrugged. “I dyed my hair pink. What happened to you?”

“I let mine grow out,” I answered.

Seven wiped up a spill I'd made without noticing. “Nobody ever wants what they've got,” he said.

Anna sits at the kitchen table by herself, eating a bowl of Golden Grahams. Her eyes widen, as she is surprised to see me with her father, but that's as much as she'll reveal. “Fire last night, huh?” she says, sniffing.

Brian crosses the kitchen and gives her a hug. “Big one.”

“The arsonist?” she asks.

“Doubt it. He goes for empty buildings and this one had a kid in it.”

“Who you saved,” Anna guesses.

“You bet.” He glances at me. “I thought I'd take Julia up to the hospital. Want to come?”

She looks down at her bowl. “I don't know.”

“Hey.” Brian lifts her chin. “No one's going to keep you from seeing Kate.”

“No one's going to be too thrilled to see me there, either,” she says.

The telephone rings, and he picks it up. He listens for a moment, and then smiles. “That's great. That's so great. Yeah, of course I'm coming in.” He hands the phone to Anna. “Mom wants to talk to you,” he says, and he excuses himself to change clothes.

Anna hesitates, then curls her hand around the receiver. Her shoulders hunch, a small cubicle of personal privacy. “Hello?” And then, softly: “Really? She did?”

A few moments later, she hangs up. She sits down and takes another spoonful of cereal, then pushes away her bowl. “Was that your mom?” I ask, sitting down across from her.

“Yeah. Kate's awake,” Anna says.

“That's good news.”

“I guess.”

I put my elbows on the table. “Why wouldn't it be good news?”

But Anna doesn't answer my question. “She asked where I was.”

“Your mother?”

“Kate.”

“Have you talked to her about your lawsuit, Anna?”

Ignoring me, she grabs the cereal box and begins to roll down the plastic insert. “It's stale,” she says. “No one ever gets all the air out, or closes the top right.”

“Has anyone told Kate what's going on?”

Anna pushes on the box top to get the cardboard tab into its slot, to no avail. “I don't even like Golden Grahams.” When she tries again, the box falls out of her arms and spills its contents all over the floor. “Shoot!” She crawls under the table, trying to scoop up the cereal with her hands.

I get on the floor with Anna and watch her shove fistfuls into the liner. She won't look in my direction. “We can always buy Kate some more before she gets home,” I say gently.

Anna stops and glances up. Without the veil of that secret, she looks much younger. “Julia? What if she hates me?”

I tuck a strand of hair behind Anna's ear. “What if she doesn't?”

“The bottom line,” Seven explained last night, “is that we never fall for the people we're supposed to.”

I glanced at him, intrigued enough to muster the effort to raise my face from where it was plastered on the bar. “It's not just me?”

“Hell, no.” He set down a stack of clean glasses. “Think about it: Romeo and Juliet bucked the system, and look where it got them. Superman has the hots for Lois Lane, when the better match, of course, would be with Wonder Woman. Dawson and Joey—need I say more? And don't even get me started on Charlie Brown and the little redheaded girl.”

“What about you?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Like I said, it happens to everyone.” Leaning his elbows on the counter, he came close enough that I could see the dark roots beneath his magenta hair. “For me, it was Linden.”

“I'd break up with someone who was named for a tree, too,” I sympathized. “Guy or girl?”

He smirked. "I'll never tell.”

“So what made her wrong for you?“ Seven sighed. ”Well, she—"

“Ha! You said she!”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, Detective Julia. You've outed me at this gay establishment. Happy?”

“Not particularly.”

“I sent Linden back to New Zealand. Green card ran out. It was that, or get married.”

“What was wrong with her?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Seven confessed. “She cleaned like a banshee; she never let me wash a dish; she listened to everything I had to say; she was a hurricane in bed. She was crazy about me, and believe it or not, I was the one for her. It was, like, ninety-eight percent perfect.”

“What about the other two percent?”

“You tell me.” He started stacking the clean glasses on the far side of the bar. “Something was missing. I couldn't tell you what it was, if you asked, but it was off. And if you think of a relationship as a living entity, I guess it's one thing if the missing two percent is, like, a fingernail. But when it's the heart, that's a whole different ball of wax.” He turned to me. “I didn't cry when she got on the plane. She lived with me for four years, and when she walked away, I didn't feel much of anything at all.”

“Well, I had the other problem,” I told him. “I had the heart of the relationship, and no body to grow it in.”

“What happened then?”

“What else,” I said. “It broke.”

The ridiculous irony is that Campbell was attracted to me because I stood apart from everyone else at The Wheeler School; and I was attracted to Campbell because I desperately wanted a connection with someone. There were comments, I knew, and stares sent our way as his friends tried to figure out why Campbell was wasting his time with someone like me. No doubt, they thought I was an easy lay.

But we weren't doing that. We met after school at the cemetery. Sometimes we would speak poetry to each other. Once, we tried to have an entire conversation without the letter “s.” We sat back to back, and tried to think each other's thoughts—pretending clairvoyance, when it only made sense that his whole mind would be full of me and mine would be full of him.

I loved the way he smelled whenever his head dipped close to hear what I was saying—like the sun striking the cheek of a tomato, or soap drying on the hood of a car. I loved the way his hand felt on my spine. I loved.

“What if,” I said one night, stealing breath from the edge of his lips, “we did it?”

He was lying on his back, watching the moon rock back and forth on a hammock of stars. One hand was tossed up over his head, the other anchored me against his chest. “Did what?”

I didn't answer, just got up on one elbow and kissed him so deep that the ground gave way. “Oh,” Campbell said, hoarse. “That.”

“Have you ever?” I asked.

He just grinned. I thought that he'd probably fucked Muffy or Buffy or Puffy or all three in the baseball dugout at Wheeler, or after a party at one of their homes when they both still smelled of Daddy's bourbon. I wondered why, then, he wasn't trying to sleep with me. I assumed that it was because I wasn't Muffy or Buffy or Puffy, but just Julia Romano, which wasn't good enough.

“Don't you want to?” I asked.

It was one of those moments where I knew we were not having the conversation that we needed to be having. And since I didn't really know what to say, never having crossed this particular bridge between thought and deed before, I pressed my hand up against the thick ridge in his pants. He backed away from me.

“Jewel,” he said, “I don't want you to think that's why I'm here.”

Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them. “Then why are you here?”

“Because you know all the words to 'American Pie,' ” Campbell said. “Because when you smile, I can almost see that tooth on the side that's crooked.” He stared at me. “Because you're not like anyone I've ever met.”

“Do you love me?” I whispered.

“Didn't I just say that?”

This time, when I reached for the buttons of his jeans, he didn't move away. In my palm he was so hot I imagined he would leave a scar. Unlike me, he knew what to do. He kissed and slipped, pushed, cracked me wide. Then he went perfectly still. “You didn't say you were a virgin,” he said.

“You didn't ask.”

But he'd assumed. He shuddered and began to move inside me, a poetry of limbs. I reached up to hold on to the gravestone behind me, words I could see in my mind's eye: Nora Deane, b. 1832, d. 1838.

“Jewel,” he whispered, when it was over. “I thought. . .”

“I know what you thought.” I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same.

I blame Campbell Alexander entirely for my bad luck with relationships. It is embarrassing to admit, but I have only had sex with three and a half other men, and none of those were any great improvement on my first experience.

“Let me guess,” Seven said last night. “The first was a rebound. The second was married.”

“How'd you know?”

He laughed. “Because you're a cliche.”

I swirled my pinky in my martini. It was an optical illusion, making the finger look split and crooked. “The other one was from Club Med, a windsurfing instructor.”

“That must have been worthwhile,” Seven said.

“He was absolutely gorgeous,” I answered. “And had a dick the size of a cocktail frank.”

“Ouch.”

“Actually,” I mused, “you couldn't feel it at all.”

Seven grinned. “So he was the half?”

I turned beet red. “No, that was some other guy. I don't know his name,” I admitted. “I sort of woke up with him on top of me, after a night like this one.”

“You,” Seven pronounced, “are a train wreck of sexual history.”

But this is inaccurate. A runaway train is an accident. Me, I'll jump in front of the tracks. I'll even tie myself down in front of the speeding engine. There's some illogical part of me that still believes if you want Superman to show up, first there's got to be someone worth saving.

Kate Fitzgerald is a ghost just waiting to happen. Her skin is nearly translucent, her hair so fair it bleeds into the pillowcase. “How are you doing, baby?” Brian murmurs, and he leans down to kiss her on the forehead.

“I think I might have to blow off the Ironman competition,” Kate jokes.

Anna is hovering at the door in front of me; Sara holds out her hand. It is all the encouragement Anna needs to crawl up on Kate's mattress, and in my mind I mark off this small gesture from mother to child. Then Sara sees me standing at the threshold. “Brian,” she says, “what is she doing here?”

I wait for Brian to explain, but he doesn't seem inclined to utter a word. So I paste a smile on my face and step forward. “I heard Kate was feeling better today, and I thought it might be a good time to talk to her.”

Kate struggles to her elbows. “Who are you?” I expect a fight from Sara, but it is Anna who speaks up. “I don't think it's such a good idea,” she says, although she knows this is the very reason I've come here. “I mean, Kate's still pretty sick.” It takes me a moment, but then I understand: in Anna's life, everyone who ever talks to Kate takes Kate's side. She is doing what she can to keep me from defecting.

“You know, Anna's right,” Sara hastily adds. “Kate's only just turned a corner.”

I place my hand on Anna's shoulder. “Don't worry.” Then I turn to her mother. “It's my understanding that you wanted this hearing—”

Sara cuts me off. “Ms. Romano, could we have a word outside?” We step into the hallway, and Sara waits for a nurse to pass with a Styrofoam tray of needles. “I know what you think of me,” she says.

“Mrs. Fitzgerald—”

She shakes her head. “You're sticking up for Anna, and you should. I practiced law once, and I understand. It's your job, and part of that is figuring out what makes us us.” She rubs her forehead with one fist. “My job is to take care of my daughters. One of them is extremely ill, and the other one's extremely unhappy. And I may not have it all figured out yet, but… I do know that Kate won't get better any quicker if she finds out that the reason you're here is because Anna hasn't withdrawn her lawsuit yet. So I'm asking you not to tell her, either. Please.”

I nod slowly, and Sara turns to go back into Kate's room. With her hand on the door, she hesitates. “I love both of them,” she says, an equation I am supposed to be able to solve.

I told Seven the Bartender that true love is felonious.

“Not if they're over eighteen,” he said, shutting the till of the cash register.

By then the bar itself had become an appendage, a second torso holding up my first. “You take someone's breath away,” I stressed. “You rob them of the ability to utter a single word.” I tipped the neck of the empty liquor bottle toward him. “You steal a heart.”

He wiped up in front of me with a dishrag. “Any judge would toss that case out on its ass.”

“You'd be surprised.”

Seven spread the rag out on the brass bar to dry. “Sounds like a misdemeanor, if you ask me.”

I rested my cheek on the cool, damp wood. “No way,” I said. “Once you're in, it's for life.”

Brian and Sara take Anna down to the cafeteria. It leaves me alone with Kate, who is eminently curious. I imagine that the number of times her mother has willingly left her side is something she can count on two hands. I explain that I'm helping the family make some decisions about her health care.

“Ethics committee?” Kate guesses. “Or are you from the hospital's legal department? You look like a lawyer.”

“What does a lawyer look like?”

“Kind of like a doctor, when he doesn't want to tell you what your labs say.”

I pull up a chair. “Well, I'm glad to hear you're doing better today.”

“Yeah. Apparently yesterday I was pretty out of it,” Kate says. “Doped up enough to make Ozzy and Sharon look like Ozzie and Harriet.”

“Do you know where you stand, medically, right now?”

Kate nods. “After my BMT, I got graft-versus-host disease—which is sort of good, because it kicks the leukemia's butt, but it also does some funky stuff to your skin and organs. The doctors gave me steroids and cyclosporine to control it, and that worked, but it also managed to break down my kidneys, which is the emergency flavor of the month. That's pretty much the way it goes—fix one leak in the dike just in time to watch another one start spouting. Something is always falling apart in me.”

She says this matter-of-factly, as if I've grilled her about the weather or what's on the hospital menu. I could ask her if she has talked to the nephrologists about a kidney transplant, if she has any particular feelings about undergoing so many different, painful treatments. But this is exactly what Kate is expecting me to ask, which is probably why the question that comes out of my mouth is completely different. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“No one ever asks me that.” She eyes me carefully. “What makes you think I'm going to grow up?”

“What makes you think that you're not? Isn't that why you're doing all this?”

Just when I think she isn't going to answer me, she speaks. “I always wanted to be a ballerina.” Her arm goes up, a weak arabesque. “You know what ballerinas have?” Eating disorders, I think.

“Absolute control. When it comes to their bodies, they know exactly what's going to happen, and when.” Kate shrugs, coming back to this moment, this hospital room. “Anyway,” she says. “Tell me about your brother.”

Kate starts to laugh. “You haven't had the pleasure of meeting him yet, I guess.”

“Not yet.”

“You can pretty much form an opinion about Jesse in the first thirty seconds you spend with him. He gets into a lot of bad stuff he shouldn't.”

“You mean drugs, alcohol?”

“Keep going,” Kate says.

“Has that been hard for your family to deal with?”

“Well, yeah. But I don't really think it's something he does on purpose. It's the way he gets noticed, you know? I mean, imagine what it would be like if you were a squirrel living in the elephant cage at the zoo. Does anyone ever go there and say, Hey, check out that squirrel? No, because there's something so much bigger you notice first.” Kate runs her fingers up and down one of the tubes sprouting out of her chest. “Sometimes it's shoplifting, and sometimes it's getting drunk. Last year, it was an anthrax hoax. That's the kind of stuff Jesse does.”